“Using people how?” I have to wonder if this is where I come in.
Lex watches the ice cubes swirl in his glass. “He’d screw a girl I was dating just to piss me off. He made relationships impossible for a while and I just kind of took it, because he was already fucked up and I felt like it was my fault that it got worse. But he just kept pushing, and every time I pushed back it would escalate. I didn’t want to keep perpetuating that kind of toxic conflict, it was too consuming, and it was making a mess of my life. So after a while if he wanted something, I just let him have it.”
So much makes sense now. I ask the question I have half an answer to already. “Is that what happened with me?”
“I pointed you out to someone at that event. I didn’t realize Armstrong was listening. I called dibs like an asshole and went to talk to you.”
“And when you went to get me a drink . . .”
Lex smiles ruefully. “Armstrong did what he does best, he stepped in and put on the charm.”
“He warned me about you, said he was saving me from making a mistake.”
“Sounds exactly like something he would say, and I’m sure in his mind it’s true.”
My mouth is dry and my palms are clammy. “And how did you retaliate?”
“I didn’t. I mean, sure, I was annoyed, and yeah, I wanted to, but that’s just what Armstrong does. I figured he would screw up somehow and that whatever was going on between you wouldn’t last long. I was shocked when you got engaged. And then I figured maybe you were really good for him. That you’d been able to bring out better parts in him, if there were any left.”
“But I didn’t.”
“In your defense, I don’t think there is any good in Armstrong to bring out. I just really couldn’t understand how he managed to get you to agree to marry him.” Lex looks at me like he’s expecting answers of his own.
Explaining is hard, because my reasons for agreeing to marry Armstrong weren’t the right ones. “Obviously I made a huge mistake.”
“I want you to know that as much as I didn’t like that Armstrong was marrying you, I never would’ve done anything to compromise that. I get that it might be difficult not to see the coincidences as more than that, but I had no plans to sabotage him, not with Brittany, not with me being in your bridal suite. It was the best place to hide.”
“What about Bora Bora?”
“My being there was another very odd coincidence. I’d like to think of it more as fate pulling strings.” He gives me a small smile.
“So sleeping with me wasn’t about getting back at Armstrong?”
“You were in a bad headspace, Amie. Revenge isn’t a good enough reason to hurt someone who’s already hurting. I really tried to do the right thing, but then you were in the bar, and that guy was hitting on you. The last thing I wanted was you getting taken advantage of by some island rando. I thought I was a better distraction.”
I drop my eyes, unable to meet his gaze right now. “You were an excellent distraction.”
“But I wasn’t just a distraction, was I? I might be able to understand if Bora Bora was a complete fuckfest, but that’s not what it felt like to me. The only time we weren’t together was when I had meetings, and even then I found ways to keep you with me. And what about the past two months? You sleep in my bed. I sleep in yours. You have a toothbrush in my bathroom and the code to my condo.
“That would have to be a pretty elaborate ruse, and I would have to be a pretty awful person to string you along like that, especially after what you’ve been through. That would make me far worse than Armstrong. I hope you don’t think I’m capable of that kind of maliciousness.”
I shift so I’m facing him. “I would never want to believe you could be that spiteful. I just . . . I’ve just made so many bad choices. Even the ones I thought were good ended up being bad.”
“And that’s what you’re worried about? That I’m another bad choice?”
“Not exactly. I’m worried Armstrong won’t sign the papers. And even when he does, can you honestly tell me you want to get caught up in all of this with me?” I want to be right about him. I want him to want me the way I want him.
“Come on, Amie. I thought we were past this. I know you’ve been through a lot and I haven’t wanted to push you into something you’re not ready for, but now . . . I don’t know. Knowing you the way I do, I’m just trying to understand what you were doing with Armstrong in the first place and whether the papers are just an excuse to keep this”—he motions between us—“from being something real.”
I hadn’t really considered that; the possibility that the papers are just another way to keep myself guarded from the things I want but fear I’m not meant to have, like happiness and love. “I just wanted to make the right choice for once.”
“You keep saying that, and I’m not sure I understand what it means.”
“I made a lot of bad boyfriend decisions when I was younger, and that didn’t really change as I got older. Before Armstrong, I got involved with someone who caused a lot of problems.”
“What kind of problems?”
“The kind where I ended up detained in an interrogation room in a Mexican airport with a room full of armed guards.”
His eyes widen in shock. “You want to elaborate?”
“Apparently the import-export business isn’t always aboveboard.”
“Apparently.”
“That was the worst trouble I’d ever gotten into, and I promised myself and my family it wouldn’t happen again. When you introduced yourself that night I was so taken. You seemed like exactly my type; gorgeous, smooth, and that sleeve . . .” I tilt my head to the side, remembering the way his cuff had pulled up when he kissed the back of my hand. How electric that feeling had been. “But when Armstrong followed it up with a warning—”
“You heeded it.”
“He was the exact opposite of the guys I usually ended up with, and he seemed like a safe choice.”
After a brief silence he asks, “Did you love him?”
“I thought I did. I wanted to believe I did, but I fell in love with the idea of him, not the reality. At the time I couldn’t differentiate between the two.” I rub my temple, trying to ease the ache. “It’s hard to come to terms with knowing the entire relationship was a lie. He only wanted me so you couldn’t have me.”
“I don’t know that it’s that simple.”
“It feels that simple.” It’s so much to process, and I worry that this honesty will make Lex look at me differently, make him want me less, or maybe not at all.
“He cared about you as much as he knows how to care about anyone other than himself.”
“It just makes me question everything. All my choices.”
“Am I included in those choices?”
There’s pain in his voice. I don’t want to look at him and see the hurt. So much has changed over the course of this evening, and yet, so much is still the same. “I don’t want you to be. I’m confused. I was already conflicted tonight when we almost got caught, and then all this stuff with Armstrong happened. My head is mixed up. I’m still afraid to trust my own feelings.”
Lex taps the edge of the couch. “And what are your feelings?”