It was like the Stone game. He’d just set another piece on the board, one that revealed his old strategy. I filled in all he had not said. “So you know that I returned there. That I studied with him for a time.”
He gave a half-nod. “I wasn’t certain of it. But I suspected it was you. I received the news with joy. Prior to that, the last I had heard of you was what Starling and Kettricken reported when they left you at the quarry. To hear you were alive and well . . . For months, I half-expected you to turn up at my doorstep. I looked forward to hearing from your lips of what had happened after Verity-as-Dragon left the quarry. There was so much we did not know! I envisioned that reunion a hundred ways. Of course, you know that I waited in vain. And eventually, I realized you’d never come back to us of your own will.” He sighed, remembering old pain and disappointment. Then he added quietly, “Still, I was glad to hear that you were alive.”
The words were not a rebuke. They were only his admission of pain. My choice had hurt him, but he had respected my right to make it. After my time with Rolf, he would have had spies watching for me. They would not know it was FitzChivalry Farseer they sought, but doubtless they had found me. Otherwise, how would Starling have found her way to my door, all those years ago? “You’ve always had an eye on me, haven’t you?”
He looked down at the table and said stubbornly, “Another man might see it as a hand oversheltering you. As I have just told you, Fitz. I always keep track of significant people.” He next spoke as if he could hear my thoughts. “I tried to leave you alone, Fitz. To find what peace you could, even if it excluded me from your life.”
Ten years ago, I could not have understood the pain in his voice. I would only have seen him as interfering and calculating. Only now, with a son of my own intent on ignoring every bit of advice I’d ever given him, could I recognize what it had cost him to let me go my own way and make my own choices. He had probably felt as I did about Hap, that he was so obviously choosing the wrong course. But Chade had let me steer it.
In that instant, I made my decision. I pushed Chade off balance with it. “Chade. If you wish, I could attempt . . . do you want me to try to teach you the Skill?”
His eyes were suddenly impenetrable. “Ah. So you offer that now, do you? Interesting. But I think I am proceeding with my own studies well enough. No, Fitz. I don’t wish you to teach me.”
I bowed my head. Perhaps I deserved his disdain. I took a breath. “Then I’ll do as you ask, this time. I’ll train Thick. Somehow, I’ll persuade him to let me teach him. As strong as he is, perhaps he will be all the coterie that Dutiful will need.”
Shock silenced him for a moment. Then, he smiled sourly. “I doubt that, Fitz. And you don’t doubt it; you don’t believe it at all. Nevertheless, for the time being, we will leave it at that. You will begin Thick’s training. In exchange, I will leave Nettle where she is. You have my thanks. And now I must go to see what mischief Dutiful has gotten himself into.” He rose as if his back and knees pained him. I watched him go but said no more.
Chapter X
RESOLUTIONS
By all accounts, both Kebal Rawbread and the Pale Woman perished in the last month. They set sail in the last White Ship for Hjolikej with a crew of their most stalwart followers. They were not seen again, nor was any wreckage of the ship ever found. The assumption is that, like so many other Out Island ships, the dragons overflew it, throwing the crew into a vacant-eyed stupor, and then destroyed it with the great wind and waves that their wings could stir. As the ship was heavily loaded with what translates from the Outislander tongue as “dragonstone,” it probably went down swiftly.
— A REPORT TO CHADE FALLSTAR, PENNED AT THE END OF THE RED SHIP WAR
I made my slow descent to Lord Golden’s chambers. I tried to focus on the Prince’s difficulties, but could only wonder what larger problem I had created for myself. I could barely instruct the Prince, and he was an apt and amiable student. I’d be lucky if Thick didn’t kill me when I attempted to teach him. But there was a worse shadow to it. Chade had tempted me well, as only one who knew me so deeply could. Nettle, here at Buckkeep, where I could see her daily and watch her blossom into womanhood, and perhaps chart for her an easier life than the one Burrich and Molly could give her. I tried to tear that idea from my mind. It was a selfish yearning.
On my trip through Chade’s secret corridors, I made a brief detour to one of the spy posts. I stood a time beside it, hesitating. It would be the first time I had deliberately come to spy and listen. Then I sat down silently on the dusty bench and peered into the Narcheska’s chambers.