“Fine,” Jayne huffed. “I can tell I’m no longer welcome.”
“Sharp as a nail.” Max wandered into the room, his face pale. “Oh, why are you still here?”
“You used to want me.” Jayne’s lips trembled.
“I was eighteen,” Max defended. “I also thought buying a monkey and keeping it in my closet was a stellar plan.”
“Fred.” Reid sighed. “Damn, that monkey was quick, didn’t even see him sneak up on me like that.”
Max winced. “Sorry, man, I forgot about—”
“It’s cool.” He nodded. “I’m still a bit out of it, yeah, whatever.”
“You had a monkey?” This from Jason. “Badass!”
Max stole a guilty look at his brother. “He had a fascination with Reid.”
“And when you say fascination.” I paused. “You mean—”
“It wasn’t my fault!” Reid shouted.
“Shhh, shh!” Max ran over and pulled Reid in for a hug. “Remember, it’s not your fault, okay?”
“Mom, Dad, Max, the monkey has my balls, the monkey has my balls!” Reid started shaking.
“This entire family is insane.” Jayne stomped out of the kitchen and slammed the door behind her.
Meanwhile Max and Reid pulled apart and went from looking insane to looking completely normal.
I narrowed my eyes as suspicion struck. “There was no monkey, was there?”
“Nope.” Max smirked and gave his brother a high five. “I can’t believe you still knew that skit from camp.”
“I remember everything,” Reid said.
“So what now?” I looked around the room. “I guess we should start calling guests and—”
“No!” Mom shouted, slamming her good hand across the table. “We’re not un-inviting anyone!”
“Okay.” I held my hands out in front of me. “I was just thinking—”
“Stop thinking, Milo!” Max shouted. “Your mom’s clearly overwrought!”
“I am,” Mom whimpered. “But I think now is as good a time as any to tell you kids . . .”
“Oh, no,” I whispered.
“We’re moving.” She looked out the window. “This is our last real event here—and I won’t have it ruined by that, that, that—”
“Don’t hurt yourself,” I interrupted.
“Hussy!” she shouted. “We’re having a wedding and that’s that!”
I raised my hand. “Unless you plan on marrying Jason off to Reid, we have no bride or groom. The marriage license says—”
Jason laughed. “About that.”
“What?” I almost didn’t want to hear.
He scratched his head. “I, uh, forgot to get a marriage license, so legally we wouldn’t have been married today, but we’d have three days to get the license and make it official.”
“So we went through hell for nothing?” I jumped to my feet, ready to charge my brother and mess up his other eye.
“No.” Colton’s arms wrapped around me from behind as he whispered in my ear, “Not for nothing.”
My mom’s eyes widened as an excited grin erupted across her face. “Yes, that will do. That will do just fine, Colton.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
MILO
“Time out!” I held up my hands and made a T. “What will do?”
“You.” Mom grinned, then started clapping her hands.
“Mom, don’t clap, it makes you look like a seal.”
Colton leaned in and whispered, “Your mom just bitch-slapped Jayne—let the woman clap. Hell, give her a medal. As far as I’m concerned, she can do whatever the hell she wants.”
Max watched our exchange and started making a driving motion with his hands. He honked a horn, kept driving, and then motioned to Reid, who then got on all fours and collapsed as Max’s imaginary car ran him over.
“Are you high too?” I asked, fighting the urge to feel his forehead.
His answer? “The wheels on the bus go round and round—oh, look! I just ran over Milo.”
My eyes narrowed. “Hilarious.”
“Champagne for everyone!” Mom yelled. “We celebrate!”
“Getting run over by a bus?” I yelled.
“Marriage!” Mom said, ignoring me.
“I’ll drink to anything,” Jason grumbled from the table. He had his arm raised high above his head and was leaning to the side. The guy needed an all-inclusive vacation—away from me.
“What are we drinking to?” I took the champagne.
“Guests will be arriving in an hour!” Mom shouted. “So I’m going to need everyone to pitch in.”
“Jason can’t marry himself,” I felt the need to point out, you know, just in case I was the only person left in that room with a working brain.
“Oh, silly.” Mom chuckled and did a little dance in place. “He’s not getting married.”
“Max and I aren’t engaged.” I shook my head violently. “You know that, right?”
“I’ll take care of things.” Colton grabbed my shoulders and turned me toward the hall and pushed. “Walk.”
“Walk where?”
“Just walk.”
“I’m not into it, you know, that whole dominant-submissive thing? I don’t get it.” But I kept walking. “I don’t like being ordered around. It makes me want to punch you in the face. It doesn’t make me hot.”