I sighed. “I can’t answer that because I don’t know.”
“So you slept with a married woman, who just happened to be your best friend’s mom, and then lied about it?”
“Sort of.” I groaned into my hands, and then said the one thing I knew I’d been saying for the past three months. Like a broken record, I just repeated what I knew. “It’s complicated.” I glanced to where Nat was sitting. But she was gone. She’d left the room. Panic rose in my chest as I stood.
“Sit down, Alec.”
“We’re done. I’m done. You have your damn story, Ruben. I hope you’re happy. Not only are you potentially ruining my career, but the lives of the people I care about.”
I stormed out of the room in search of Nat.
I searched the house. Demetri silently pointed to the door that led to the back deck.
I walked out and sat down next to her, putting my feet in the pool.
“Say something.” My voice shook as I fought not to reach for her hands.
Tears still streamed down her face. “I can’t be mad at you. I want to be, but I can’t. We weren’t together, and as much as you must hate yourself right now, Alec, you were in a bad place.”
“You don’t understand.” I hung my head and sighed. “Nat, I messed up. But that’s not it. It’s not even what happened. It’s the fact that I’m still so damn messed up. I crack under the pressure and then to make myself feel better, I let you consume me. I let us consume me.”
“Why is that bad?” She reached for my hand, but I jerked away.
“Why isn’t using my own girlfriend for sex bad? Seriously, Nat? I love you, but I’m using you. Don’t you get it? I can’t get over everything. How could I possibly get over everything when all I’ve ever done is try to keep everyone together? When we moved here I was so focused on Demetri keeping his shit together, I just pushed mine away. When I met you it was such a breath of fresh air. It was like I could finally breathe again. But it’s not enough.”
“Not enough?” Her voice wavered. “I’m not enough?”
“Shit. It’s not that, Nat, and you know it.”
“I use you to feel better.” I’d said it. I’d finally admitted it out loud, and I felt like a complete and total ass**le. I’d felt guilty about what happened last year, but more than anything I felt guilty for what I had been doing to Nat.
I went off drugs only to find a new addiction — something to mask the pain.
Her.
“Use me, as in…?”
“Sex.” I closed my eyes. “I use you, Nat. I love you, don’t get me wrong, but every time I’m stressed, every time my past haunts me, I don’t go to alcohol. It doesn’t work. I don’t go to pills. They never did much. I go to you. I can’t survive without you.”
Nat pushed away from me and stood. “It’s not about sex.”
“But it is, Nat. For me it is.”
“Not for me.” Her chest heaved as she fought for air and began pacing in front of me.
I stood and joined her, grabbing her hands as I said, “Maybe in a way you’re right. It’s not about sex. It’s not even about being physical, Nat. It’s the damning reality that the minute I met you, I met someone I could share my soul with. Sharing my body was one thing, but sharing my soul? I can’t get that back. I don’t want to get that back. But the worst part is, after everything that’s happened, I still want you to have a piece of me, even if it’s only a little bit. Just like I still want a piece of you even though it hurts so much I want to scream myself to sleep. I’ve always wanted you. I just didn’t realize until it was too late how much I craved you — needed you in order to function. Maybe, just maybe, this was a good thing, because you can’t learn how to function as a couple if, when separated, you fall apart.”
“What about me?” Nat sobbed against my chest. “What about us? I don’t understand! Why is it such a bad thing? Why can’t we get through this together?”
I sighed into her hair, memorizing her scent. “Because I never got through it alone, Nat.”
“But I can help. I can—”
I kissed her hard across the mouth. “Do you feel this?” I said against her lips. “I want to forget this whole damn conversation. I want to lose myself in you.”
“Then do it.” She arched against me. I backed up and cursed.
“Nat, it’s not healthy. Don’t you see? Don’t you see how you’ll live to resent me? Live to resent us? This? What we have? It isn’t balanced — it isn’t healthy.”
“Oh, and you’re the expert on healthy relationships, Alec?” she snapped.
“No. I just know you deserve to be in one.”
“I want you. Only you.” Her shoulders shook.
“I want you too. But just because I want you doesn’t make it right, Nat. Just because I love you doesn’t make it okay to keep using you the way I am.”
“So that’s it?” Thick tears ran down her cheeks.
I cursed and ran my hands through my hair. “Yeah, Nat. That’s it.”
“So what happens now?” She wiped some moisture from her cheeks and crossed her arms protectively over her chest.
I would forever remember that moment. During those lonely nights when I was tempted to do something stupid, I’d remember the look of betrayal on her face. I’d remember the way her tears even seemed to look beautiful as her clear eyes searched mine for the one thing I couldn’t give her — reassurance.