“Why would I do that?” I met his gaze.
“Because I need this.” His voice cracked, and his nostrils flared and there it was. The same desperation I had seen in the mirror for the better part of two years. “I need this so damn bad. And I can’t… I can’t keep hurting people I love.”
“When will you be back?”
He walked past me and paused in the doorway. “I don’t know.”
“She may not ever forgive you, Alec. Don’t walk away from her. Battle your demons with her.”
“They’ll consume us both,” he whispered. “I can’t… I just can’t.”
“Then you’re a coward,” I whispered under my breath, hoping he wouldn’t hear me.
In an instant Alec was in front of me. He lifted me and pushed me against the wall, holding onto my favorite shirt like it was a noose around my neck. “Don’t you dare say I’m a coward! Do you know how damn hard it is to walk away? You don’t. Because you’ve always faced things head on, and wonder-of-all-wonders, it all worked out for you. It just took near death to get your head screwed on straight.” The man had a point.
“Not everyone is like you, Demetri. Not everyone is willing to jump off that cliff and have faith that everything’s going to be okay.”
He released his hold and cursed. “A coward would stay, man. A coward would crawl into his shell and pretend that the damn sun was still shining. A coward would use every excuse in the book to lie to himself, to lie to the person he loved while he slowly destroyed the light in her eyes. I’m not a coward. I’m walking away before I hurt her more. I’m walking away before I destroy the most important person in my existence.”
“And what about you?” I called after him as he grabbed his large suitcase. “What will you do?”
“Be the man she deserves without using her to block away my past.”
I let him go.
I walked slowly out of the room with the camera crew. I knew I wasn’t the only one sweating after that little exchange. Jaymeson muttered a curse next to me and ran down the stairs. After tonight he really was going to need plastic surgery to fix some of the cuts on his face, not to mention veneers for the missing teeth.
Alec slammed the door behind him.
The SUV started.
And I have to admit I waited for him to get over it and come back. I waited for two hours before I finally gave up and went into my room for some sleep.
Alyssa was quietly sitting on my bed, her hands folded in her lap.
Crap, something was up.
“Spill.” I lay down next to her and patted the spot beside me. She lay down next to me and sighed.
“I swore I wouldn’t say anything.”
“Well, now you have to tell me.” I yawned. “But please let it be soon because I’ve had probably the worst night of my life.”
“Even worse than that time you dreamt seagulls broke through your window and were swarming your room?” she joked.
“Hilarious. And yes, even worse than that. Though, no lie, that possibility still creeps me out.”
“We have a problem.”
“We? What’s this we business?” I pulled her over me so she was straddling me, her hair cascaded over her me like a waterfall, tickling my jaw.
Taking a deep breath she blurted, “Nat’s pregnant.”
Shit.
Chapter Twenty-seven
Alec
I drove for hours. Basically I went in circles. I had intentions of going to the airport and flying home.
Instead I went where I should have gone the minute I fell for Nat. The minute I saw myself falling into old habits and pushing everything away.
She was my last hope. I knocked twice and waited.
“Alec?” The door opened. Mrs. Murray stepped out. “What are you doing? It’s late. Where’s Nat?”
My mouth opened. I tried to speak but nothing came out except for a cross between a curse and a whimper.
“Come on.” Mrs. Murray, my old shrink and the original reason for AD2 settling in Seaside for a year, and of course, as luck would have it, Nat’s mom, let me into her small office off the living room.
I sat on the couch, suddenly exhausted.
“Am I Nat’s mom or your shrink?” Mrs. Murray asked softly.
“If you were Nat’s mom you’d castrate me,” I muttered. “So please be the shrink. Put on the professional hat, sit back, pull out your notepad, and fix this.”
“Fix what?”
I shuddered. “Me. Fix me.”
“I can’t fix you.”
“You fixed Demetri.”
“Demetri fixed himself.” Mrs. Murray’s pen clicked in the background. “I just gave him the steps toward that.”
“I need more than steps. I need a freaking map with stickers that say, Go This Way.”
“Alec…” Mrs. Murray cleared her throat. “Let’s start at the beginning.”
“The beginning?” I repeated, clenching my eyes shut as I fought to keep all of the memories tightly sealed. “I—I can’t.”
“You can.”
I thought of Nat, of her smile, and why I couldn’t be with her. I thought of all the different ways I had failed her. I couldn’t fail her now. There were so many secrets, so many lies, so many things I had kept to myself and never told Demetri because I knew it would destroy him. I had thought him too weak to deal with it, so I did it for him. In my own ridiculous way, I handled things. I just ignored them and ignored how they ate at my soul every single day.