She was so precious to me. I couldn’t lose her — refused to lose her again. If she still wanted me, I was all hers. If she would forgive me, I would love her forever. If she wouldn’t — then I would continue going on loving her from a distance… for as long as I had breath. As long as blood surged through my body, as long as my heart continued to pump, I was hers — body and soul.
Chapter Thirty-four
Demetri
I walked aimlessly down the halls, confused about so many things, and wishing I could somehow make it all better. I think there’s a point in everyone’s life where they try to figure out that one moment where they took a wrong turn and then watch as the catastrophic events after it fall like a trail of dominoes. Did one choice really affect your future that much?
One choice affected April’s, which in turn affected mine, which affected Jaymeson’s. My head spun with all the possibilities, all the outcomes.
I’d thought I’d been making progress over the past year ,but the truth of the matter was I was still like a kid waiting for the approval of others and hoping to God I was doing the right thing.
I walked past a few rooms. I glanced to my left and saw Alec’s hands folded and his head resting against them, against Nat’s bed. I turned to walk into the room and knocked softly on the door.
His head jerked up.
“You okay?” I asked, taking a seat on the other side of the bed.
He looked at Nat then back at me. “Not really. You?”
“Not really.”
We both laughed. Not because it was funny, but because it was so damn tragic.
I reached for Nat’s hand, thankful that it was warm, meaning she was living — breathing. “I, uh, I remembered something today.”
“Yeah?” Alec leaned forward resting his elbows against the bed. “What?”
“Dad.” My voice cracked. “When he told you about my adoption. It’s funny the memory had always been fuzzy. All I remembered was the word, and remembering it meant I was different. Maybe it was my mind’s own stupid way of protecting me, but I remember everything now.”
Alec’s eyes held mine for a second before he cursed and looked down. “Then you remember what I promised.”
“Yeah.”
“I failed you.”
“What?” I let out a frustrated laugh. “You didn’t. You were a little kid, Alec. I think we’ve already established that you aren’t Superman.”
He didn’t say anything so I just kept talking. “Our dad gave you a huge job. He asked you to do something that a kid your age barely even understands. All you knew was that you were going to be alone except for me—”
“I hated you,” Alec interrupted. “For five whole minutes I hated you. I hated that you still had a mom and dad. I hated that mine was stolen from me, and I hated that the last thing my dad said to me was to take care of you.”
I didn’t know what to say. I mean, what are you supposed to say when someone says something like that?
Alec clenched and unclenched his fists. “And then after five minutes you walked into the room. Dad had given you some money to go buy some candy at the gift shop.” Alec bit down hard on his lip as his eyes glazed over with tears. “You bought a bear instead.”
“I did?”
“Yeah.” Alec snorted. “You bought a bear. It was wearing a shirt that said “Cancer free.” You said you weren’t really sure what it meant but that the lady in the store said it would make us feel better about our dad having cancer, because even though he did, the bear didn’t, and we could still hug our bear and he would remind us that we still had each other. We could still fight. We had something to fight for.”
My heart hammered in my chest as my throat tightened with just barely restrained tears. “I don’t remember at all.”
“Blocked it out.” Alec nodded. “I’m sure you blocked it out, but in that moment I couldn’t hate you anymore. I think the jealousy was always there. You were always so… easy.”
“Thanks, man.” I laughed. “I feel like you just called me a whore.”
Alec laughed with me. “Shut up. You know what I mean, and I think we both know who’d get the label in our little group.”
I chuckled and rubbed Nat’s hand some more. “What are we going to do?”
Steely resolved reflected in Alec’s gaze. “We’re going to do what he didn’t.”
“What’s that?”
“Survive.” Alec looked back to Nat. “Survive and fight like hell.” He kissed her forehead and rose from his seat. “I’m going to go do something I should have done long ago.”
“What?”
“Get my head out of my ass and apologize to every single person who was affected by my lies — by my actions. Starting with your mom.”
I followed him to the door. “Does she deserve it? After everything?”
“Nobody deserves grace, Demetri. That doesn’t mean we don’t still offer it when given the opportunity.”
I smirked. “There he is.”
“What?”
“My big brother. I knew he was in there somewhere.”
He glared. “Very funny.”
I stretched my arms over my head and yawned. “Finally, I can go back to being the stupid immature one. Thank God. Another five minutes of playing the funny, attractive, mature one, and you were going to have to check me into the mental ward of this hospital.”