We drove in silence. When the car pulled up to my house she didn’t move.
“Nat…”
She closed her eyes and sighed. “Tell me everything.”
“It’s complicated. I don’t think…”
“Tell me. Now.”
“Heroin.” I laughed humorlessly. “I told her it would help her relax.” I couldn’t look at Nat as I told the story. “We had been partying all weekend and Demetri was already in bed. She was drunk.”
Tears rolled down Nat’s cheeks. I was a monster. A complete, and total monster.
“It was all over within twenty minutes. Neither of us was really thinking. Had I been thinking, I wouldn’t have gone through with it. But alcohol? Drugs? They have a way of messing with you. I knew what I was doing — I just didn’t care. I knew it was wrong, but I felt so good — it felt so good — that I refused to acknowledge there would be any consequences.” I cursed and shook my head “Demetri found us in bed together.”
Nat gasped.
“I’ve never seen that look on his face before. They had a huge fight, broke up, and we didn’t hear from her again until we found out she was pregnant. By then we also found out she was hooked on everything under the sun, made easy by yours truly, considering I paid her off to keep her mouth shut.”
We sent her into rehab. Our little boy, whom I never met, went to his grandma’s. The next we heard from her, she was released from rehab and sounded really happy. I apologized again and told her how sorry I was. She and Demetri talked on the phone and got in a fight. She, um… She went to pick up Benjamin and was hit in a head on collision. She went the wrong way on the freeway.”
Nat closed her eyes. Her voice shook as she spoke, “So the canceled concert tour this year? The time off?”
“Grief counseling and addiction.”
“Addiction?”
“Not me, Nat.” I bit my lip. “I don’t touch the stuff. I don’t touch anything. It ruined a part of me that I don’t think I’ll ever get back. The addiction? That would be my brother’s. Also my fault.”
“He makes his own choices. It’s not your fault.” Why the hell was she defending me?
I laughed bitterly, “Yeah, I think it is, Nat. It was all me. I was the partier, the wild one. I never got in trouble. I never had any consequences. Somehow, I got lucky, and for some reason I never felt addicted. I just liked the feeling drugs gave me. That was not the case with Demetri.”
“Is he on drugs now?”
“I don’t know. He’s drinking heavily again, that much is clear. Nat…” I licked my lips. “You don’t have to stay. You can go.” I was trying like hell to hold back tears. “I kill everything I touch. It’s like I’m poison.”
“No!” She reached for me but I jerked back. I didn’t want to taint her, to bring black to what was so white. She reached for me again and pulled my body into her arms, the console kept us from being closer. Which was probably a good thing considering I would have sobbed in her lap like a baby had I had the opportunity to actually make it to her side of the car.
“Alec, look at me.” I choked tears back, fought with every shred of dignity I had to keep from losing my shit, “What you did was messed up. I’m not going to deny it. Nor am I going to say that I’m not seriously tempted to jump out of this car and run away from you, but I love you. I love who you are now. The man you are now. If those things wouldn’t have happened to you, who knows where you would be?”
My entire body trembled. “Nat, you have to know. I’m not that guy anymore. I don’t even know who that guy was, I just—”
Her kiss was forceful and pleading. Nat wrapped her hands around my shoulders, jerking me closer to her. My tongue reached out, licking her lower lip then dove slowly into her mouth. Her taste was an addiction in and of itself — if I was being completely honest, just being with her made everything fade into the darkness. I was able to store the pain, because she made me feel like it didn’t exist. I was desperate for her.
“Nat—” I groaned against her mouth, my hands gripping her shoulders as I pushed her tenderly away. “I love you so much, you know that right? I would never do anything to hurt you.”
“I know.”
Rain began to fall, sounding like a loud applause. Good timing. Nat smirked. “Race you to the house?”
That was it. After everything, she was going to forgive me? Love me? It was too good to be true. I instantly relaxed. “Yeah, Nat, race you to the house.”
She beat me. Then again I let her. It wasn’t about winning; hell I’d already won.
When I reached her, I started laughing; she looked like a drowned rat. Drenched from head to toe, she leaned towards me. I traced her face with my fingers. “You’re so beautiful, Nat.”
She winked then rose to her tiptoes expectantly. Mine. She was finally mine. I chuckled and lifted her off the ground for a kiss and crushed my lips against her mouth.
“Get a room or something,” Demetri grumbled pushing past us, he wasn’t even walking in a straight line.
Shit! I set Nat on her feet and reached for my brother. He wasn’t well. Not at all. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?”
“Out!” Demetri stumbled to his car and threw open the door. The wind picked up, whipping it across my face.
“The hell you are!” I ran toward the car and tried to jerk the door open, but Demetri locked the doors and slammed the car into drive. “Demetri! Don’t!” I yelled so much my voice was hoarse.