I watch as Charlotte’s face reddens in embarrassment and I can’t help but be a little happy that she’s in the hot seat for once instead of me.
“Um, I don’t…uh, oh, my God,” Charlotte stammers, looking at me with wide eyes and a look on her face that clearly says “Help me the f**k out”.
I just shrug and smile at her. I’d like to know the answer to this question, as well. The two of them are already acting like they’re married; they might as well make it official.
“I bet he’ll do it on Christmas in front of everyone,” I offer.
Charlotte shoots me a dirty look and I can’t help but laugh. We’ve talked plenty of times over the years about the perfect proposal and Charlotte hates the idea of it going down on a holiday in front of a bunch of people. Especially people as insane as our family.
“Oh, thank God. If your Aunt Claire doesn’t get to wear that blue dress she bought for the wedding soon, her ass is going to outgrow it,” mom says as she pours herself a cup of coffee.
“Well, at least my tits won’t be falling out of my dress like a cheap hooker,” Aunt Claire adds, not looking up from her frosting work.
“Hey, I am a high priced hooker, get it right,” mom fires back.
“I love you, bitch,” Aunt Claire says with a smile.
Mom puts her hand over her heart. “Right back at you, skank.”
Right then, Aunt Jenny burst into tears.
“What the hell, Jenny? You know we love you too,” mom says in confusion, walking up behind her and patting her on the back.
Charlotte grabs a few tissues from the box on the counter and holds them out for Aunt Jenny to take. She blows her nose and takes a few minutes to calm down before she speaks.
“I think Drew is cheating on me,” she tells us with a sniffle.
“I will cut off his dick and shove it down his throat,” my mom states angrily.
Aunt Claire puts her frosting knife down and holds up her hands. “Wait just a minute. Why in the hell would you think Drew is cheating on you?”
“When we had sex the other night, he said he was too tired to use the nipple clamps and chip dip,” Aunt Jenny complains, starting to cry again.
“Oh, gross. You two are almost fifty. Is there ever going to come a time when you have sex like normal people?” mom complains.
Ignoring her, Aunt Claire continues with her questions. “So, aside from that, is there anything else? I mean, maybe he really was just tired.”
Aunt Jenny dabs at her eyes with a tissue. “He’s been gone a lot lately and he keeps telling me he has meetings, but I think he’s lying. Three times in the last week, I’ve found glitter on his clothes.”
“He’s probably just going to a strip club or something,” Charlotte tells her with a shrug.
Aunt Jenny shakes her head. “No, it’s definitely not stripper glitter. This glitter was thick and dark. Stripper glitter is fine and antidepressant.”
“Well, I’ve always wondered if stripper glitter had anxiety issues,” my mom mutters.
“Do you mean iridescent?” Charlotte asks Aunt Jenny softly.
“I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore,” Aunt Jenny sighs. “Just forget about it. I’m going to sit Drew down and make him tell me what’s going on. I swear to God if he’s having sex with another woman and didn’t ask me to join, beds are gonna roll.”
Mom groans. “HEADS are gonna roll, Jenny, HEADS.”
“Okay, change of subject,” Aunt Claire announces, turning to look at Charlotte. “I’m going to make a ‘Congratulations on your Engagement’ cake for you and Gavin to serve at Christmas dinner, so let me know what flavor you want. Oh, and your mom and I already picked out the invitations for the engagement party and I’ve got some great new cookie cutters of diamond rings we can use for favors-”
“Ava is falling for Tyler!” Charlotte suddenly shouts, cutting off Aunt Claire.
“What the f**k, Charlotte?” I yell back.
I get that she’s freaking out about the prospect of getting engaged and everyone planning everything before it’s even happened, but Jesus, she didn’t need to throw me under the damn bus! Falling for Tyler…as if!
“Well, as luck would have it, we just got a new line of My Little Pony sex toys in at the shop,” mom says with a sigh. “You’ll never run out of gifts to celebrate your love. I’m particularly fond of the My Little Pony Fleshlight. They come in pretty colors.”
Aunt Jenny finally perks up after her little meltdown. “I bought Drew one of those already! I also got him the Lyra Plushie and he can stick his penis in her ass. She’s so cute. But word to the wide, make sure Tyler doesn’t finish in her. Whatever she’s made out of is a bitch to clean.”
We all groan in disgust.
“I am not falling for Tyler and I will not be supporting his freaky My Little Pony habit by purchasing anything from that line of toys, thank you very much,” I inform them.
Just because he has fabulous abs and a perfect dick, he’s easy to talk to and occasionally says really nice things to me doesn’t mean I’m falling in love with him. That’s just stupid.
“Did you hear about what happened with the whole sperm bank mix up?” Charlotte asks.
Everyone nods and mutters words of compassion for Tyler while I stand there in confusion for several minutes until Charlotte notices.