I hadn't looked at my list of resolutions since orientation. Saturday morning, I set the list on my desk, pulled the cap off my pen, and slashed through two more. Then I stared at the words until my vision blurred.
kill first vampire
get drunk
kiss a boy
lose virginity
One more left to go.
That night I had laid awake thinking.
I almost died a virgin. I mean, what experience was more life altering than sex?
It's true that getting drunk and being kissed weren't the great experiences I thought they'd be, but sex had to be different. It had to be better. Scratch that. It had to be like no other physical sensation known to mankind.
There was only one way to find out.
Scott was as good a candidate as anyone. I liked him. He liked me.
Isn't that how it worked?
There was only one way to find out.
When I came down to breakfast, I cleared my throat. "I'm going over to a friend's."
Mom stood behind the kitchen counter, pouring a can of Diet Coke into a glass filled with ice.
She turned around. "Which friend's?"
"Her name's Noel."
Mom's shoulders relaxed. "Noel. That's a nice name. How come you've never mentioned her before?"
"We just met."
"Will you be back for dinner?"
"No."
"Can I have your friend's phone number?"
"Mom, I have a cell."
"You don't always answer it."
"Fine."
I jotted down Noel's number on the back of an envelope and slapped it onto the counter.
Mom followed me into the entryway and watched as I wrapped first my red scarf around my neck and then put on my coat.
"Where does Noel live?"
"By school."
Finally Mom's face relaxed. "Call me if you need a ride home. Have fun with your friend."
"Thanks," I said quickly. "Bye."
I called Noel on my way down the hill and asked her to cover for me if my mom called.
When Noel starting asking questions I told her I had to go. If she knew what I was up to she might try to cheer me on or talk me out of it. I had my mind made up.
To get to Scott's neighborhood, I needed to take the bus that picked up across the street. At least I had my pick of seats, it being Saturday afternoon and all.
Halfway to Scott's house, I pulled the bus cord. A moment later, the tires slowed and came to a grinding halt beside Jewel Lake Quickie Mart.
It sorta sucked getting off and having to wait again, but I wasn't in any real hurry, and best to come prepared.
The parking lot was empty except for two cars, thank god. It was warm inside the minimart, unlike the public bus.
I passed the chips and candy aisle and found condoms at the end of a row beside a section of toiletries. I didn't stop to read the labels or anything; I just grabbed a box of Trojans and headed to the checkout counter.
There was no line, but the cashier was on the phone.
I set the box down and stared at the tangle of brown hair streaming down the cashier's back.
Someone threw a pack of American Spirits beside the box of condoms. I glanced over, only to see Fane Donado standing next to me.
My stomach flopped down to my feet. Luckily I managed to keep cool.
I arched a challenging brow. "See something interesting?"
Fane reached over. At first I thought he was going for the box of Trojans, but he pulled gently on my scarf instead. The gesture took me aback. I didn't know how he got so close to me.
"I like your scarf."
I lifted my chin. "Thanks. Apparently red's my color."
A smile quirked over Fane's mouth. He nodded toward the box on the check stand. "Who's the prince who sent his girl in to fetch his rubbers?"
I pressed my lips together and concentrated on the register.
Fane leaned closer and spoke inside my ear. "I wouldn't want anyone to know the name of the wuss I was banging, either."
My eyes sparked. I turned until I was face-to-face with Fane. He thought he was so badass and grown up. He thought he understood pain and darkness. He probably even thought I was fumbling around with some science geek who spent his lunch hour in lab.
I straightened up. "Not that it's any of your business, but I'm on my way to hang out with Scott Stevens."
"Right, then," Fane said. "I can see how someone in your shoes might find that numbnut attractive."
I laughed. I couldn't help it. "Did you seriously just use the word 'numbnut'?"
"That'll be six thirty-five."
I didn't notice the clerk swiping the box of Trojans under the scanner. I dug out my wallet, pulled out a ten, and handed it to the cashier.
"I don't need a bag," I said.
I felt Fane's eyes all over me. His voice dropped. "This won't make him love you, you know."
So now he thought I was the numbnut. I turned my head slowly. When my eyes met his I almost willed him to stop me.
Who was I kidding? The last person who would ever care about my welfare was Fane Donado. I was nothing to him, and he certainly wasn't anything to me other than an ill-timed annoyance.
I grabbed the box of condoms. "I'm not looking for a soul mate."
I pushed through the doors and walked briskly through the parking lot to the bus stop. I opened the box of Trojans and shoved the individually wrapped condoms inside my coat pocket before dumping the box inside a wastebasket cemented to the sidewalk. I jammed my hands inside my pockets and ran a thumb over the foil. My teeth began to chatter.
Fane pulled up alongside the bus stop in his ugly heap of a car. He leaned over and rolled down the passenger window by hand.
"Get in. I'll give you a lift home."
What a jerk. He acted like Mr. Nice in Valerie's absence, then the moment she entered the scene I ceased to exist. I couldn't believe I ever wanted to kiss those mismatched lips. From what I'd seen he was just as sloppy as Scott and way less pleasing on the eyes.
"I'm not going home!" I snapped. "And I would never get inside a car with you."
"What's the matter, Aurora? Afraid I'll bite?"
That got my attention. Something odd and unsettling fluttered inside my chest. I snapped my head in Fane's direction. He smiled, and his teeth gleamed. A shudder worked its way down my spine to my toes.
I sucked in a breath. "Thanks for the offer, but my bus will be here any minute."
Fane's grin widened. His car inched away, but not before Fane pierced me with one last shaded look. "Suit yourself. Be safe, Aurora Sky."
Scott lived in a picturesque neighborhood three blocks from the bus stop. Small white lights glowed along fence railings, bushes, and rooftops. Every now and then, I'd pass a household that hadn't gotten around to removing their Christmas decorations.
I walked in the street because snow covered the sidewalks. Along the way, I slipped a couple condoms from my coat pocket into my jeans.
I didn't need to check the number on the two-story house with the French windows. Scott's Dodge Ram was parked in the drive. I marched up to the front steps and pounded on the door.
I believed that once a decision was made it should be carried out without hesitation. And shouldn't I feel fortunate to share my first time with my number one crush? But that was part of the problem. That crush belonged to the old Aurora Sky.
An image of Fane appeared in my head. I shoved it back out.
When Scott opened the door, he smiled and asked me inside. He was wearing jeans and a white T-shirt. I pulled my arms out of my jacket as I walked inside. When Scott didn't offer to take my coat, I tossed it onto the nearest chair.
Scott nodded at my neck. "Want to take off your scarf?"
"Not right now."
The living room furniture was all dark wood with burgundy upholstery. I avoided stepping on the brown bear hide pancaked to the floor. The head stuck up off the floorboards facing the TV.
I nodded to the rug. "That's gross."
Scott flashed a toothy smile. "Isn't it great? My dad shot it."
I passed the head of a mountain goat mounted to the wall. "Can we go someplace else?"
"How about my room?"
"Sure."
I followed Scott down the hall, but stopped as he led me past the kitchen.
"Do you have anything to drink?" I asked.
He turned and grinned. "You mean like beer?"
"Do you have anything stronger?"
"I can make a rum and Coke."
"Sure."
Apparently, Scott's mom had a thing for roosters. They were on all the kitchen towels and the set of ceramic jars lined on the counter by the stove. There was a rooster on the switch plate cover, kitchen mat, and clock. The only thing missing was a stuffed rooster head coming out of the wall.
"How about vodka? Got any of that?" I sat on a stool at the counter listening to the clink of bottles as Scott rummaged through his parents' liquor cabinet.
"Yep, lots of vodka." He set the bottle in front of me, reached for two shot glasses, and filled them to the brim.
I lifted my glass. "To the last semester."
Scoot grinned. He threw back his shot glass and emptied it in one gulp.
I did the same then coughed and sputtered. "Ick!"
Scott rocked with laughter.
I grinned, too. "That's awful."
Scott laughed harder. I pushed my glass toward him. "Give me more."
"More?"
"More."
"You're really cool, you know? I always figured you for a goody two-shoes."
I rolled my eyes. "Just pour, already."
The next shot didn't go down any easier. I coughed and waved a hand in front of my face. "Obviously people don't drink it for the taste."
"Usually you mix it with something. We have Kahlua."
"I'll take it straight."
Maybe the third one would do the trick. Wasn't the guy supposed to be the one getting the girl plastered so she'd sleep with him? Women had to do everything these days.
The fifth shot finally hit me. I don't think it was the quantity as much as the timing. I was downing them so fast the alcohol hadn't had a chance to catch up till now. I gripped the counter and grinned.
"So let's see your room."
I felt all warm and tingly inside. It was the only way. Otherwise I'd back out.
I'd passed through the hunting lodge and farm house. I could hardly wait to see Scott's room, but it was like entering the sports zone. The walls were covered in baseball and basketball posters. He'd nailed up blue and white Denali flags and the letters he'd earned playing on the team.
His walls were like a tacky, four-sided collage.
Shorts and balled-up white and gray-edged socks littered the floor. School books were tossed in a corner. A pair of jeans stretched across a chair.
No tidying up for company.
The bed wasn't made. Big surprise.
"What do you wanna do?" Scott asked.
"It," I said before bursting into a fit of giggles. "I want to do it."
I was in hysterics now. Scott was laughing, too.
What a fun guy. He was really fun.
I closed my eyes for a second and felt the world spin circles. The weirdest part was everything stayed in place when I reopened them.
Closed. Spinning.
Opened. Fine.
Scott closed his bedroom door and I doubled over laughing again.
"What?"
I tried to answer and ended up snorting. As soon as I caught my breath I said, "Why did you close your door when nobody's home?"
Scott's cheeks dimpled. His shoulders shook when he laughed, but he wasn't laughing anywhere near as hard as me.
I stopped suddenly and looked at Scott. "I almost died a virgin. Can you think of anything more tragic than that?"
Scott scratched his head. "Yeah, that would have really sucked."
I can't believe I ever found Scott intimidating. He was so easy to talk to.
I took a step toward him, wobbling on the second and third.
"Whoa, there," Scott said, catching me.
I liked his arms. They felt good, especially when he stroked my back.
"I don't want to take any more chances," I said.
"Aurora, are you sure?"
"Sure I'm sure," I said, making myself laugh again.
Scott stopped stroking my back and took my head in his hands. He pulled me forward and put his mouth over mine.
Finally, he was taking charge...if only his wet lips weren't plastered over mine. I reached down for the fly on his pants.
I was tired of feeling dead inside. I wanted someone to wake me up.
Scott reached for my zipper. He didn't fumble, I'd give him that. He got me unbuttoned and unzipped in no time. I had on a pair of black lace underwear. I mean, if a boy was about to see them, black was the way to go. Scott finished where I'd left off, releasing the top button of his jeans.
He maneuvered me onto his bed. I scooted all the way on top and stretched out over the tangled sheets. Scott climbed over me on all fours. His expression was serious. Laughter bubbled up my throat, so I bit my tongue.
"Oh, I've got these." I dug the condoms out of my pocket and held them up.
Scott took one. I dropped the extra somewhere in the sheets and stared at the ceiling while Scott pulled down his briefs and put the condom on. I knew when he was finished because the bed shifted and he loomed over me.
I wasn't liking that position.
Scott pulled down my panties. I clenched instinctively, which made it difficult for him to shove his way in. The procedure was slow and excruciating. Pain arched over my pelvis. I tried to make my scream sound like one of pleasure rather than agony when Scott made it in.
The rubbing was like acid over a raw wound.
Maybe if I acted like I was enjoying it he'd hurry up and finish. I pushed myself against him a couple times and, thankfully, he blew his load in a matter of seconds. When he pulled out, it felt like a knife being yanked from my body.
I rolled off the bed and pulled my underwear and pants up. "Where's your bathroom?"
"Down the hall."
I staggered down the hall and locked myself inside.
I lowered the toilet seat before yanking down my pants and underwear. I sat staring at the bathtub. Slowly, I ripped off several squares of toilet paper and dabbed gingerly between my legs. When I peeked at the tissue, it was stained with blood. I dropped it into the toilet bowl and ripped off more paper, dabbing until there wasn't a trace of blood. Then I flushed it down, washed my hands, and returned to Scott's room.
Scott launched an inflatable basketball into a mini wall-mounted basketball hoop. The ball made it into the hoop and landed inside a laundry hamper beneath.
He grinned at me. "Now you don't have to worry about dying a virgin."