"Gavin, let go NOW!" I yelled.
"You better do as your mom says, Gavin. She gets grumpy when she can't play with her toy," my dad laughed.
Carter laughed right along with him until I shot him a look that clearly said "If you don't shut the f**k up and help me, I will never let you in my pants again."
His mouth quickly shut and he finally moved.
"Hey, Gavin, I got something for you I left on the front porch. And it's a much better toy than your mom's. Why don't you run out and grab it," Carter suggested.
Gavin released his death grip on the vibrator without another word and ran out the front door.
"You are so lucky you helped me when you did or there would have been serious repercussions," I told Carter angrily.
Obviously he didn't get the severity of the situation since he was actually giggling right now. And my dad was wiping tears out of his eyes. Then I looked down and realized I had been enunciating my point by shaking the vibrator in Carters face.
I quickly put my arm down, opened one of the end table drawers and shoved the damn thing inside just as Gavin ran back into the house with a toy gun, cowboy hat and sheriff’s badge stuck to his shirt.
"Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they cut your wiener," Gavin sang as he pointed his gun at random objects.
"Wow, cops have gotten pretty hardcore lately," Carter muttered.
***
I forgave Carter on our ride to the bar because come on, look at him. I couldn't hold a grudge and fantasize about his penis. It was a major conflict of interest.
Business was just starting to pick up at the bar as the after-work crowd started filing in around seven. Liz and Jim ate dinner with Carter at one of the booths and the three of them moved over to the bar after they were done. On one of my many trips walking past them, Carter reached out and grabbed my arm. He swiveled his seat to the side so he could pull me between his legs. I set my empty tray on top of the bar next to him and he rested his hands on my hips.
"Remember when I told you that I would always tell you if your ass looked fat?" he asked.
Oh man, I knew I shouldn't have licked the bowl of milk chocolate clean last night after I finished making turtles. I could feel my thighs getting bigger while I stood here. Were they rubbing together tonight when I walked? I bet he was worried my rubbing thighs were going to start a spark.
Only you can prevent thigh fires. That Smokey the bear jerk only cared about the forest. Fuck the forest. My vagina could catch on fire because Carter thought I was fat.
"Shut your brain off. I wasn't going to tell you that you looked fat," he scolded.
I knew that.
"I was just going to say, I forgot to also mention that I will always tell you when your ass looks so f**king amazing that I want to wrap my hands around it every time you walk by."
I bit my bottom lip and smiled.
"Anything else?"
Yeah, I was fishing for compliments again. I just had a meltdown about a thigh inferno. I earned this.
"Yes," Carter answered after kissing me softly. "I will also always tell you when your legs look so long and sexy that all I can think about is having them wrapped around my waist."
He kissed my lips again.
"And I will always tell you when you are so beautiful that somebody better call God, because he's missing an angel."
"Awww did you just use a cheesy pick-up line on me?" I asked.
"I've been waiting to use that since I was fifteen," Carter said with a smile.
"Are you guys done yet? I just threw up in my mouth a little listening to this shit," Liz muttered from her seat on the other side of Carter.
"Well aren't you two just the cutest couple?"
I turned away from Carter when I heard the female voice behind me dripping with sarcasm.
"Tasha, what the f**k are you doing here?" Carter demanded as he stood up behind me.
Whoa, f**king whoa! Tasha? The ex? This was who Carter dated before he came here? Isn’t this just a pickle on the crap sandwich that is my life. Of course she had to look like a p**n star. Miles of long blonde hair, bright blue eyes and a perfect complexion. Not to mention the tiniest waist known to man and the nicest set of boobs I’ve ever seen. They had to be fake. Real boobs weren’t that perfectly round. If I didn’t hate her on sight, I might have asked her if I could touch them. She looked familiar. She flipped her hair behind one shoulder and it suddenly came to me where I knew her from.
"Hey, you were at Jenny’s sex toy party a few weeks ago."
I felt Liz walk up next to me.
"Oh yeah, I remember her. Twat Face Tasha," Liz said with a smile as she crossed her arms in front of her.
Twatty huffed in irritation. "It was Tantalizing Tasha."
"Nope, I'm pretty sure it was Twat Face," Liz said, looking to me for confirmation.
I nodded in agreement.
"Oh it definitely was. She probably doesn't remember because we talked about it behind her back," I said with a shrug.
Before I knew it, Cunty was up in my face.
"Listen slut, just because you're Carter’s new flavor of the week doesn't make you anything special."
All hell broke loose then. Carter started yelling at Tasha, Tasha yelled at all of us and Liz pushed her away from me. I just stood there in the middle of the commotion in shock.
"That's enough Tasha," Carter said angrily. "Tell me what you want, or leave. You will not just show up here out of the blue and insult Claire."