I moaned again and tried to push her head forward so she could take me back in her mouth.
"Hey, what's wrong with your wiener?"
I jerked awake and turned my head, screaming at the top of my lungs when I saw Gavin standing a foot away from me on the couch, staring down between my legs. I followed his line of sight and groaned when I saw the huge morning wood I sported poking up under the blanket.
I sat up quickly and bunched the blanket around my lap as best I could as Claire came running into the living room, a look of panic on her face from my scream moments ago.
"What happened?" she asked in alarm as she ran over and knelt down next to Gavin.
Stop thinking about Claire on her knees. Stop thinking about Claire on her knees. Think about that old lady from Titanic naked.
Gavin pointed to me. "Carter’s got a big wiener, Mom. Sumfin's wrong with him. He was making the same noises I do when my tummy hurts."
Claire smothered a laugh and finally looked me in the eyes.
"I guess I don't need to ask if you slept well!" she said brightly.
I shook my head at how chipper she was this early in the morning after last night.
"How are you even able to function this morning?" I asked, looking her over. Aside from looking a little sleepy, she still looked amazing. Her hair was wild, she had a little bit of make-up smudged underneath one eye and she wore an old tank top and shorts that had seen better days, yet she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.
She laughed and pointed to Gavin.
"You learn real quickly that as a parent, you don't have time for a hangover. Extra Strength-Rapid Release Tylenol and I have become very close over the years."
The phone rang and she hurried out of the living room to answer it, leaving Gavin to stand there and stare at me.
"So, how was your sleepover at Grandpas last night?" I asked as I flung the blanket off of me now that my morning glory was under control.
He shrugged.
"Do I have a vagina?"
I stared blankly at him, not quite sure I heard him correctly.
"Uh, what?" I asked, swinging my legs around and placing my feet on the floor.
He let out a huff of irritation with me.
"I said, do I have a vagina?"
I turned towards the kitchen to see Claire on the phone, pacing back and forth. Shit, I was on my own with this one. How the hell does he even know the word vagina? Wait, maybe he doesn't. He's four for f**k's sake. He probably thinks vagina means Cleveland.
"Well, Gavin, um…do you know what that words means?"
Please say Cleveland. Please say Cleveland.
"Papa watched a movie last night and the guy said he felt like he was driving around in a vagina. Can I drive a vagina? Does a vagina have windows and a horn?"
Oh holy mother of shit.
"Shit. Son of a bitch!" Claire cursed as she walked back into the living room.
Gavin opened his mouth but Claire was quick to cut him off.
"Don't you even think about repeating what I said. Go to your room and find some clothes to wear. You have to go to work with Mommy today."
Gavin scampered off and his vagina comment was momentarily forgotten when I saw the look of worry on Claire’s face.
"What's going on? What happened?"
She flopped down next to me on the couch, rested her head on the back of it and closed her eyes.
"My dad was supposed to watch Gavin today so I could finish up some things at the shop but he got called in to work," she said with a sigh.
Light bulb.
"I can watch him for you," I said immediately.
She lifted up her head and stared at me with her mouth open.
"Seriously, Claire, let me do this for you. I would be happy to take him today and get to spend some time with him."
After forty minutes of Claire listing all of the small objects he could fit into his mouth, making me repeat the number for Poison Control back to her eight times and drawing me a diagram with stick figures on a paper towel of how to do CPR, Gavin and I kissed Claire good-bye, got into my car and headed to the library for story time.
It was a public place, full of kids and parents who knew how to take care of kids in case I had a problem or questions. What could possibly go wrong?
***
"…and the sex? Oh you can just kiss that shit good-bye right now. Before we had our son my wife was a dirty little whore. She'd give me blow jobs while I drove down the freeway, she'd dress up in a naughty nurse uniform and greet me at the door when I got home from work and whenever we went out, we always pulled the car over on the way home and f**ked in the front seat."
The man sitting next to me let out a great big sigh. He was another father I met when Gavin and I arrived at the library. He was there with his three-year old son and eight-year-old daughter. His daughter was from a previous relationship and he had his son with his current wife. We started talking when I sat down next to him on one of the couches while the boys sat in a circle with a bunch of other kids a few feet away listening to the librarian read them a book. After telling him the condensed version of my relationship with Claire and Gavin, I asked him for some parenting tips since he’d been around the block a lot longer than me. Little did I know it would turn into a "how much kids f**ked up my life" speech.
"But after our son was born, my penis got put on the "do not call" list. Sometimes, if I listen really closely, I can often hear the sound of "Taps" being played from my lonely balls," he whispered to me as he waved his hand and smiled at his son.