Hurtful things, so many hurtful things I spit at her.
“You need to get a life.”
I’m sorry, I love you, please forgive me.
“All those sad, pathetic letters…”
I’m lying, don’t believe me, please don’t believe me. I loved your letters, I kept them all and I cherish every one of them.
She presses her soft, sweet hands to my face and I rest my forehead against hers. I’m weak, I can’t help it. I need to breathe her in one last time. I need to feel her close to me and remember why I’m doing this, why I’m doing all of these awful things to her. I need her to walk away. I need her to hate me enough to leave so she can be safe. I’ll do anything to keep her safe. Every word I speak kills more and more of me, until I’m sure there’s nothing left but an empty shell. She slides her hands under my shirt and I’m immediately hard for her. Her mouth makes its way down to my neck and I want to growl with my need for her when her lips and her teeth press into my skin. I need her. I love her.
But I can’t have her or I will wind up killing her.
“I prefer women with a little more experience…”
I don’t mean it. I don’t mean any of it. Knowing I’m the only man who has ever been inside of you makes me feel like a fucking king and the luckiest man alive. I’m sorry, I love you, please forgive me.
She tells me she hates me and that empty shell crumbles to pieces and I know there’s nothing left.
“It doesn’t get better when I come home to you…I hate this life…”
I’m lying! Every word is a lie. I love our life and I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. I love you, I love you, I love you.
I grab her suitcases from the bed and toss them to the floor before I change my mind. I walk right past her, not saying a single word, even though I want to pull her into my arms and beg her not to leave me. It’s too late for that now. Looking at the devastation on her face, I’m certain that all the lies I told, all the things I said to her to play on her insecurities and make her hate me…it worked. It worked just like I wanted it to. It worked so well that I know there’s no hope of ever getting her to forgive me.
I don’t deserve her forgiveness. I never deserved her to begin with, so now she’ll be free to find security and happiness without having to worry about the broken man she married who can never be fixed.
Chapter 14
Fisher
Present Day
“How does it feel to be the talk of the town? Again? Jesus, you’re mister popularity,” Bobby says with a laugh as I help him wash his gear down by the water.
Bobby runs his parents’ snorkeling and scuba hut during the summer season as well as a golf cart and bike rental business, doing so well for himself that he doesn’t need to work during the winter months. One of the perks of being friends with him is that I can dive anytime I want as long as I help him wash down all the gear when I’m finished. Bobby and I went for an early-morning dive before all the tourists woke up and it was a good way for me to clear my head. There’s nothing like being all alone, down on the ocean floor, surrounded by fish and coral with nothing but the sound of your breathing apparatus filling your ears to think about things.
“It’s not my fault this town has nothing better to do,” I complain as we move all the cleaned gear to buckets to take back to the hut for the next diving tour.
“It’s true, this place was pretty boring while you were gone,” Bobby admits.
His phone beeps with an incoming text message and he takes it out of the pocket of his cargo shorts, smiling and chuckling at what’s on the screen.
“Who’s that?” I ask, nodding towards the phone.
He looks up guiltily, wipes the smile off of his face and quickly shoves the phone back in his pocket.
“No one, nothing, it’s nothing,” he replies quickly.
“Really? It didn’t look like nothing. You giggled like a little girl,” I joke as we make our way up the beach.
“I do not giggle. I never giggle. Fuck off,” he grumbles, shoving one of the buckets up on the counter of the hut.
I put my own bucket up next to his, turn and face him with my eyebrow raised, waiting for him to spill the beans. It only takes a few seconds for him to crack.
“Fine! It was Ellie. It’s no big deal.”
I stare at him in shock and then toss my head back and laugh. “Ellie? Are you serious? I thought you couldn’t stand her. Why in the hell is she sending you text messages that make you giggle. And don’t try to deny it, you totally fucking giggled.”
He starts unloading the equipment from the buckets and lining it up on the counter so it’s easy for the people in the tour to grab after they’ve received their instruction.
“Look, don’t make a big thing about this. I like her, okay? She’s not as big a bitch as I thought she was. She’s actually kind of sweet,” he says with a shrug.
“You are such a shitty liar,” I laugh again. “You never thought she was a bitch. You’ve been trying to screw her since the first day you met her, and you got pissed when she blew you off.”
“Of course I have. Have you seen that chick? Long, thick black hair, big blue eyes, tits that are more than a handful and an ass I want to sink my teeth into. Who wouldn’t want to screw her?” he asks.
I raise my hand.
“Well, no shit. She’s your ex-wife’s best friend. And she hates you. She’d probably cut off your dick if you got within five feet of her.”