“Jesus. I saw you kissing that guy and…what the hell is wrong with me? I had a beautiful woman in my bed and…shit.” Cooper shook his head. Slid both hands through his hair and yanked as though that would somehow change things. “I wanted to kill him.”
I wanted to be him…
Dizziness hit him. All he could do was thank God he was already sitting down. Noah watched him. His eyes intense, looking, searching, always finding things inside Cooper that no one else could see.
They burned Cooper’s skin and were bright with…fuck. He didn’t even want to think of that.
Noah took a step toward him, but when Cooper shook his head, he stopped. He only had on jeans, the button undone and Cooper hated himself for even noticing that. For looking at the cut of his abs, and the long muscles of his arms.
He jerked his head the opposite direction. Still he couldn’t quiet his brain that kept telling him he shouldn’t be thinking the things he was, and everything else that begged him to explore his thoughts.
“Cooper,” Noah started, but Coop squeezed his eyes shut, and Noah stopped talking. Which made no sense considering Noah couldn’t even see his face, but somehow he’d known.
“I’ve never felt jealousy like that in my life.” He spoke so softly, he wondered if Noah could even hear him. Somehow he knew he could, which was good since he didn’t have it in him to speak any louder. He saw Noah’s hands on the other man’s waist as he’d kissed him against the wall. Saw Noah’s nails digging in. Saw how roughly Noah had had practically slammed the other man into the wall. He hadn’t had to be gentle. It had been rough and primal, and it splintered every fucking thing Cooper thought of himself. Hit buttons he didn’t know he had, and sprouted feelings he wanted to forget.
“It’s wrong. Tell me it’s fucking wrong, Noah. That I shouldn’t feel this way. It’s not right.”
He heard Noah come toward him. Knew his friend stood across from him, probably leaning against the back of the couch, but Cooper still couldn’t make himself look at him.
“You think I’m wrong, Coop? The way I live my life? Is that what you’re saying? That I shouldn’t feel or be attracted to men?”
Cooper heard it. The pain, disappointment, and anger in Noah’s voice.
“No.” He finally managed to look at him. He was such a pussy, sitting on the floor like this, but couldn’t make himself move. “If that’s who you are, then there’s nothing wrong with it.” But it was different for Coop. Wrong for Coop. He wasn’t gay. He loved women. He’d had a lot of them. He’d been raised to believe it should be one man and one woman.
“So why does it make it wrong for you to—”
“Wonder what your hands would feel like on me like that?” He hated himself for admitting it, but needed to say it too. Needed the words out because they were the only truth he understood right now. “Wonder what it would be like to touch you? To feel you?”
Noah cursed and for the first time, Cooper couldn’t read him. Had no idea what his friend was thinking. Probably because he didn’t know what he was thinking either.
“What’s wrong with me?” Cooper hated the weakness in his voice; the need to even ask such a question. He knew who he was and what he wanted. He’d never been the type to try and bend to fit someone else, but this? Wanting another man? This was different.
“There’s nothing wrong with you.” Noah’s voice was hard—not angry, but firm, telling Coop he believed what he was saying.
And then he took a step forward. And, another one.
Cooper’s heart stopped. It was like a fist tightened around his chest keeping him from breathing.
Noah hadn’t shaved and he noticed the stubble in his jaw. Why the fuck was he noticing that shit?
Cooper couldn’t move as Noah kept walking toward him. Didn’t know if he wanted to. He should, because he wasn’t gay and shouldn’t crave Noah to keep getting closer, but he did.
Noah stopped in front of him. Looked down at Coop while Coop looked up at his friend. His eyes said so much, but nothing at the same time. All Cooper knew, was they were intense beams pointed right at him.
Noah kneeled in front of Cooper.
“What the fuck are you doing?” he asked, panicked. Forget that Noah hadn’t even done anything yet.
“I don’t know,” Noah replied, the same confusion in his voice that Cooper felt. Noah reached out and touched Coop’s hand that rested on his knee. He looked down to see it was red, swollen from punching the wall.