“Come here, kiddo.” He shoved his cell into his pocket as he walked over to her. Jessie wrapped her arms around his neck as he carried her out of Lydia’s dining room. He rubbed the back of her head as she buried her face in his neck and cried.
“I know. I miss her, too.” He took her to the room she slept in when she spent the night, and sat with her on the twin bed. “It’s okay to miss her. You know she never wanted to leave you. You were her favorite person in the world. If she could be with you, she would be.”
The whole time he spoke, the same sentences played in his head: Please let me be saying the right thing. Please let me do right by her.
“When will she come back?”
His heart broke, pain splintering him apart. “She won’t come back, kiddo. Remember we talked about this.”
“Why can’t she come back?” Jessie cried harder.
I don’t know. Sometimes he felt that the more people loved someone, the more guarantee they had of losing them. “Because she can’t.” How the hell did he explain this to her? How did he make her understand? “Remember how we talked about this? That when people die, it’s almost like they’re asleep and can’t wake up?”
Jessie nodded.
“She loved you so much. And we need to remember her all the time. It’s good to think about her and talk about her. Remember how you said you like pie the best? Your mommy did, too.”
Jessie giggled.
“When I was a little boy, she hid a fake spider in my pie once and I cried.”
She laughed even more at that. “You were a little boy?”
“What?” Wes ruffled her hair. “I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.”
He held her for a few more minutes, and when she calmed down, they went back to finish dinner with the family. Jessie talked more, but he could still tell she was sad, confused.
After dinner they played Go Fish and Uno, him and Jessie on the same team. When the kids were tired, they decided to watch TV. “I’m going to clean up some of the mess in the kitchen, Lyd.”
She shushed him. “You don’t need to do that.”
Yes I do. She must have seen it in his eyes because she didn’t say anything else as Wes disappeared into the kitchen, needing to be alone. It didn’t take much time for him to load the dishwasher, but the antsy, heavy feeling taking him over hadn’t subsided at all. He shook his hands out, leaned on the counter with his head in his hands, and took a few deep breaths.
You’d think after all this time he would be used to losing people.
And then he did the strangest thing. It was as if his hand acted on its own, with no command from his brain. He pulled out his cell and texted Braden.
She asked me why her mom can’t come back. How the fuck do I make her understand when I’m so pissed off about it myself?
The second he hit send, he typed out another reply.
Don’t call.
It was a whole hell of a lot easier to type than talk.
I would have called.
I know
It made his stomach uneasy that he knew that.
Death is hard for any of us to understand. All you can do is love her.
It didn’t feel like enough.
Sorry. I’m sure you’re busy with your family.
What the fuck was wrong with him? Why did he text Braden to ruin his Thanksgiving, too?
Don’t be sorry.
Wes didn’t reply, and then another text came from Braden.
I have a black eye.
Wes flipped the phone around in his hand a few times, almost going back into the living room, but he had to ask.
How the hell did you do that?
Got beat up by a two year old ;)
Wes chuckled. The man was fucking crazy.
I put up a good fight, though.
Not good enough, obviously.
For a few more minutes they texted back and forth. Wes wasn’t stupid. He knew Braden just wanted to distract him, and damn it, he wanted that, too. Deciding he’d hid in the kitchen enough, Wes told Braden he had to go. Braden replied to have a good night and that he was staying out with his parents that night.
Happy Thanksgiving, Wes told him, before putting his phone away.
Three hours later he sat on the front porch of his house, looking out at the night, when his cell buzzed again. Without looking, he knew it was Braden. Sure enough, the message on the screen said,
How you doing?
Lonely. Scared. Angry. Okay. Jess stayed at Lydia’s tonight. Thought it would be good for her to be around the kids.
What are you doing?
Sitting on the porch
It was about five minutes before Braden replied.