“Not Burger King.”
“Of course not Burger King.”
“Well,” I said, not wanting a recap of tonight’s fiasco. “What type of restaurant do you want me to pick? Like, give me a price range.”
“Price range? Price range ...” He sounded as if he was testing those two words in his mouth, as if he wasn’t sure what they meant. Then he let out that low and sinful laugh that made me wish I knew what he looked like, so I could see it for myself. “There is no price range. Just tell me where you want to go.”
“How about Delilah’s?”
“That’s a fancier version of Burger King.” There was a smile in his voice. “How about picking some place you might actually enjoy?”
I mentally flipped through the long list of exclusive and elegant restaurants in Manhattan that I’d always longed to try.
“I’ve always wanted to go to Per Se,” I said. “But I’ve heard it’s pretty hard to get a table there, though.”
“Per Se, it is,” he said “And it won’t be hard for me.”
“Because you’re that important?”
“Something like that. Can you do eight o’clock?”
“Yes. Eight o’clock.”
“Okay, JERSEYGIRL7. I’ll see you at Per Se two Fridays from now at eight o’clock and you can tell me your real name then. Don’t stand me up.”
“I won’t.” I hung up, ready to finally call my roommate and tell her everything, but D-DOCTOR sent me one final message.
D-DOCTOR: I highly suggest you don’t wear any panties the night we meet. You won’t need them ...
THE DOCTOR
New York, New York
Garrett
“Dr. Ashton?” Emily knocked on my door Monday morning. “Dr. Ashton, you have a visitor waiting.”
“I’m not here.”
“We can all see that you’re here through your office blinds, sir.”
“Then close my office blinds.”
She shook her head and stepped back. “Dr. Ashton will see you now, Mr. Baxter.”
Seconds later, Mr. Baxter, a longtime client of mine who had way too much time on his hands, walked into my office. He shut the door behind him and started his usual ritual before addressing me. He walked over to the windows on the other side of the room, glancing down at the streets below. Then he smiled and walked over to the far side of my office, admiring my awards before finally settling onto my black, custom made chaise.
“What brings you in today without an appointment, Mr. Baxter?” I asked, setting down my pen.
“I just wanted to talk about the weather with someone.”
“May I suggest having this conversation with someone who doesn’t charge by the hour?” I say. “Perhaps your wife?”
“That’s the thing. She doesn’t want to talk to me right now because I told her I didn’t want to have sex anymore.”
I sighed and looked up at the clock on my wall. I really needed to raise my prices soon to prevent shit like this from happening.
“Okay, Mr. Baxter,” I said, trying to sound as sympathetic as possible. “Why don’t you want to have sex with your wife anymore?”
“Ah, ah, ah.” He wagged his finger at me. “If I answer that question, you’ll bill me for this session. I’m only here because I was in the neighborhood and I was just stopping by to talk about the weather.”
I stared at him.
“It’s been raining a lot lately, hasn’t it?”
I said nothing.
He smiled at me and stood up from the couch. “Well, thank you for chatting with me about the weather, Doc. I’ll see you for our official session next week.”
The second he walked out of my office, I started to type an email to our doorman —hoping to reaffirm the rules for not letting people come upstairs without actual emergencies or appointments. I was on the fifth paragraph when Emily and every single doctor in the practice simply walked into my office without knocking.
“Am I living in the twilight zone, today?” I looked up at them. “I could’ve sworn the number one personal rule that I have here isn’t that hard. When my door is closed —”
“Leave me the hell alone,” they all said in unison, laughing.
“We know you weren’t coming to the conference room to make the welcome call for our new resident, so we decided to bring it to you.” Emily picked up a Twizzler from my stash without asking and stuffed it into her mouth. Then she dialed a number on my desk phone, while the other doctors all crowded around my desk.
This is definitely the twilight zone ...
The sound of a call ringing came over the speaker phone and a woman answered in the middle of the fifth ring.
“Hello?”
“Hello!” All the doctors said in unison. “This is Park Avenue Wellness Group!”
They rehearsed this?
“Natalie, this is Dr. Laurel speaking,” Our world-class, but never-in-her-office gynecologist said. “We’re very excited to welcome you into our family as a resident and we just wanted to give you a collective call before you started. We know your desired specialty may change over time, but we’re all one big, happy family here, so we’re looking forward to meeting you and working with you.”
“Wow ...” The resident I didn’t vote for or want seemed impressed. “Thank you, so much for the warm welcome. I really appreciate it.” She sounded happy.