“Thank you.”
“Please don’t. I’ll need a list of everything you’ve done over the past eight months so I can clean it up in advance. And you know, for someone who plans to take his company public within the next two years, I would think that you would try a lot harder to clean up your image and stay out of the press. Otherwise, the only investors you’ll attract will be me and you.”
“Noted.” I poured one last shot of scotch. “Did you get my email about needing a new executive assistant?”
“Another one? This is number seven.”
“Eight. However, I’ve yet to be sent a competent one. Perhaps if you used a different screening agency, or at least let me sit in on some of the interviews—”
“No. I’ll tell you what I will do, though. But only if you do something for me.”
I was silent, so he continued.
“Could you kindly keep your dick in your pants for the next twelve months and try not to fuck anyone?”
Twelve months? “Anyone?”
“ANYONE. ANY-ONE.” He enunciated every syllable. “At least anyone who will definitely draw attention to you and your unfortunate, insatiable ways. And that includes all the women you have lined up for this week. Your assistants may not have known what those small blue dots on your digital calendar mean, but I do. Cancel them all right now. You can sleep with whoever you want again after you successfully go public.”
I hesitated for a long while, but I realized that what he was saying made perfect sense for the sake of the company and my image.
“Fine,” I said at last, begrudgingly sending them all my standard, “Something just came up. I’ll have to reschedule,” message and walked over to my windows.
“I’m not going to use our partner agency to find your new assistant. I’m going to handle this personally. Any requirements on your end?”
“Hiring someone who is capable of reading a book is a good start. I’d also prefer someone ten to fifteen years older than me, married or already engaged, submissive enough to complete tasks without sarcasm, Ivy League education, and someone who knows how to tell the goddamn time.”
“Yeah, okay. Let’s put up the job description in those exact words and see how much of a field day the press has with that one.”
“I’m willing to bend on the Ivy League part if it’s a college with a good reputation. I’m not bending on anything else.”
“We’ll see.” He was definitely rolling his eyes, and I could tell he was about to give me his infamous lecture about hiring laws and blind interviews, so I beat him to it.
“Just get me the best person for the job. I’ll wait however long it takes since this fire today, hire tomorrow approach isn’t working. And actually, just get me someone who impresses you, because if that’s the case I know this person will impress me.”
“Now, you’re finally thinking smart,” he said. “Give me six weeks. I’ll screen the hell out of everyone and make sure the next executive assistant you have is someone who’ll last over a year.
“Thank you, Brad.” I hung up, wanting to feel optimistic, but with my track record, I knew the odds of me employing the same executive assistant for a year were highly unlikely. Just like I knew the chances of me going twelve months without fucking someone were too unbelievable to completely fathom.
I’ll try it though...
THE EMAILS
Mya
Subject: Manhattan Publisher Seeks Executive Assistant
So...I’m pretty sure this job listing is for that “sexy” CEO we sometimes see on all the tabloids!
You should definitely apply for this. You’d be perfect.
Check out the attachment below.
Your bestie,
Amy
—-—Forwarded Message——-
High level executive at Leighton Publishing seeks a highly competent and professional executive assistant. Requirements and salary package attached via pdf below. Send resume(s) and contact information to [email protected]
—Bachelor’s degree from an accredited college institution (master’s preferred)
—A minimum of five (5) years experience working for high level corporate executive
—Passion for literature
—Ability to work under high stress and for at least 50-60 hours a week
—Ability to draft error-free press releases and PR copy at a moment’s notice
Salary&[email protected]
Subject: Re: Manhattan Publisher Seeks Executive Assistant
It can’t be. There’s no way a guy like that would post a job like this on Craigslist, is there? And at that huge of a salary range?!! O.M.G!
Wait. I thought he was the “naughty” CEO? Isn’t that what they call him?
Your bestie,
Mya
PS—I definitely applied. :-)
Subject: Re: Re: Manhattan Publisher Seeks Executive Assistant
“Naughty.” “Sexy.” Same thing. And who knows? Maybe he’s desperate?
According to Page Six and his former EA, he can’t keep an assistant for more than two months at a time. She claims he was “really demanding” and asked her to do “hard labor.”
Then again, I’m sure the real reason no women last around him is because they’re all distracted by how big his cock is.
(If you get hired, please find out how big it is. Do it for me, at least.)
Your bestie,
Amy