I went back to my bed and tried not to cry. “My graduation night.” My throat swelled up. “It was a mistake.”
“But you have feelings for him?”
I wrapped my arms around myself. “No. I mean, I did then. I do now, but I don’t at the same time.” That hole. I felt it gnawing at me, wanting to be revealed. It wanted to wreak havoc over my life. I closed it back up. “None of that matters anymore, anyways.”
“Because of Caden?”
I looked at her. She could see through me. She could see my pain, and she understood.
“I guess. I don’t know. We’re just friends. There’s nothing more.”
“But you’d like there to be more?”
I didn’t know why she was asking. “It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t see me like that.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do. He barely talked to me last night after we saw them. He couldn’t wait to get rid of me when he dropped me off.”
“Marcus offered to drive us both home.”
“When?”
“When we went to the parking lot. You were there, but you must not have been listening. Caden said no. He wanted to drive you home.”
I shook my head. “Because he wanted to give you and Marcus time together.”
“Marcus could’ve come to my room last night, if that was the case. He’s been staying here sometimes. I sneak him in and out.” She gave me an impish smile, ducking her head slightly. “Don’t tell anyone.”
“Oh yeah,” I joked. “Like that’s the first thing I’m going to turn you in about.”
She laughed, her eyes brightening. “You never know.”
“I’m sorry about Maggie.”
Her smile dimmed, and she lifted a shoulder to shrug it off, but it didn’t work. “She’s not a good person. I knew that, but it still sucks.” Avery let out a deep breath, grabbing hold of her knees and locking her arms in place. “It’s not really about Maggie. It’s more about the rest of our high school friends. They’ll take her side. That’s how it was in high school too.”
So she hadn’t lost just one friend. She’d lost more than a few. “I’m sorry.”
“It is what it is.” She tried again to shake it off, rolling her eyes. “People usually fade from high school anyway, right?”
“Sometimes.” I thought about my own two high school best friends, May and Clarissa. I hadn’t heard from them since starting college, and I suddenly missed them so much. I hadn’t realized how much. We’d emailed, then called, but lately it had been nothing. I hadn’t thought about them even.
“Do you think you’re going to hear from Kevin?”
“I have no idea.” I was okay with that too. The confrontation would come, but I had no burning desire to meet it head-on. “I think I’m going to go see Caden today.”
“What are you going to say to him?”
There wasn’t anything to say really. “Well, I might apologize for beating him in the Most Gutter Balls competition.”
She laughed, shaking her head. “Only you thought that was an actual competition.”
I scoffed at her. “Says the runner-up by only three gutter balls. If you’d won Most Gutter Balls, you’d be demanding a trophy too. Admit it.”
“Okay.” She kept laughing. “Maybe. I’ll get you a sash to wear.”
My eyes lit up. “And a tiara too.”
I was nervous going to Caden’s.
What did he think of me now? Did he look down on me because of Kevin? Was he disgusted? Did he hate me because I’d lied to him? I hadn’t felt nervous around him in so long, but it slammed back to me now, like a two by four across the chest.
I’d grown used to our evenings. Studying. Sometimes movies. Most of the time beer. I watched the games with him. He liked sports. He watched them more than I think others realized, and he knew information even the commentators didn’t. I never cared; whatever was on television I was happy to watch, and he returned the favor. If I didn’t want to miss an episode of The Walking Dead, he flipped the channel for me, no matter what game he was watching.
When he’d started recording Gilmore Girls for me, everything melted.
I had feelings for Caden. They’d been there, under the surface, constantly being stirred up, but now they were on top—ripe for everyone to see and me to feel. I couldn’t deny them anymore. I wasn’t about to lose his friendship. I couldn’t. I wasn’t going to let that happen, and I couldn’t even summon a joke. That’s how serious I was.
My hand shook as I knocked on the door. Please don’t let Bowling Bar Girl be in there. I prayed internally, and when Caden answered the door, I blurted, “Is that girl here?”
“What?”
I gestured to his arm. “Arm tattoo girl.”
He glanced down. “I didn’t call her.”
Instantly I could breathe easier, and I walked inside. “Why not?”
He shut the door behind me, following me to the living room as I plopped down on one of his couches. “Why didn’t I call that girl?”
“She was gorgeous. She wanted sex. Seemed like a sure thing to me.”
He shook his head. “You completely confuse me sometimes.”
“I’m used to that reaction.” I sat up when he went on to the kitchen, and pulled a pillow onto my lap. “But why didn’t you? Call her, I mean.”