After our drinks come, Declan takes my hand and pulls me down to the beach with Brooke and Ben. He wraps one arm around me, holding his beer bottle in his free hand, and we sway to the music. I remind myself to stop being an idiot and get my head back on straight. I need to get things back to the way they’re supposed to be.
This thing with Declan needs to stay light and fun and a way to distract myself from my problems, not make new ones that I’ll never be able to fix.
CHAPTER 19
Declan
Resting my arms across the ledge of the Jacuzzi, I sigh in relief as I tip my head back and close my eyes, letting the hot water ease my tired muscles. After a day spent traipsing all over the island, then busting my ass around the ship doing things Eddie didn’t have time to do, I’m exhausted and worn out.
Not only is my body screaming in protest, my head is shouting even louder. I can’t remember the last time I’d been on a date, and I definitely never remembered having as much of a good time as I did today with Mackenzie. Just like always, watching her enjoy herself made me forget it wouldn’t always be like this; she wouldn’t always be here to remind me to have fun and relax. I forgot about the future and her place in my life and opened up to her about my sister and the loss of my parents, something I’ve only ever done with Ben.
I liked that she did the same and told me things about herself, even though I could tell she was holding back and not telling me everything. I wanted to know more. I wanted to know everything about her and it scared the shit out of me. So much so, I made that stupid comment about her finding a guy to settle down with. Just saying those words made my chest hurt like someone took a sledgehammer to it. After only a week with Mackenzie, it made me sick to my stomach thinking about her with anyone else but me, and that’s not something I have any business feeling for a woman who has a life so far removed from my own.
Regardless of whatever problems she has, I realize I’d do anything to fix them, but I know I can’t. Even though her dad extended their vacation by a few days and I have more time with her, I can’t afford to get any more attached than I already am. We live in different worlds, and I need to remember that. Just because I feel bad she’s working a job that doesn’t make her happy, she still has a shit-ton of luxuries and opportunities right at her fingertips. She still has a father with more money than God and can get rid of whatever problem she has with the snap of her finger. It doesn’t matter that I feel like I know her well enough to know she’d never do something like that, it’s the fact that she still can. No matter what kind of similarities we have or the connection we share, we still live polar opposite lives. Daydreaming like a pussy about how I could possibly fit into her world, or explore whatever this is between us, after the ship docks back in St. Thomas is pointless.
I know I need to remember all of the things Captain Michael said to me, and I know that in order to be a good captain I need to let go and have a life. I just need to remember that after this trip is over, the life I have and the things I do to relax won’t include Mackenzie.
It doesn’t help that after getting back to the ship, I had to listen to Ben make all these plans with Brooke for when we leave them in St. Thomas. The man who vowed to never settle down and was perfectly content hopping from one bed to the next, is now talking about flying out to New York to visit Brooke and looking at the calendar on his phone to see when the best times to have her come visit him in Florida would be. I know I shouldn’t be jealous, but I can’t help it. Mackenzie might have opened up to me today and crossed yet another line we promised not to by doing that, but I find myself wondering why she hasn’t said anything about the two of us still keeping in touch. And I’m pissed at myself for wondering why she hasn’t said anything, when I just got done reminding myself all the reasons why we can’t.
I’ve never been so tied up and twisted over anyone before. It’s making me question my own sanity. How in the hell have I become so addicted to a woman I just met? What is it about her that makes me feel like I’m losing my mind?
Obviously, Ben and Brooke are able to find a way to make things work and I need to just be happy for them. Brooke told me her mother is a kindergarten teacher and her dad works in a factory. Ben’s parents both work at a hotel in Florida, his mother as a maid and his father in maintenance. They come from the same background and from the same world. They have more in common than just the loss of parents and a need to find what makes them happy in life. It doesn’t matter that it was a lie I when I told Mackenzie yachting makes me happy and it’s all I need in life. It doesn’t matter I had to stop myself from telling her this past week with her made me happier than yachting has ever made me, and I suddenly want more out of life than traveling the world catering to the rich and famous and going to bed every night alone.
“Is this seat taken?”
As if thinking about the woman made her magically appear, I push back all of my thoughts and worry about right here and right now, instead of what will happen a few days from now.
“I reserved it just for you,” I tell Mackenzie with an easy smile, my dick swelling in my swim trunks as I watch her ease her body into the hot water next to me, reminding me this is all we have. Just sex. Just a couple of days of having fun before we both move on with our lives, even though I’m lying to myself all over again by thinking that.
Instead of the blue bikini she usually wears, she’s traded it for a red one that’s held together with ties on either side of her hips and behind her neck. Her nipples are hard beneath the flimsy material as she sinks down into the water, and I want to do nothing more than untie the strings at the back of her neck and expose her breasts, seeing what they’d look like dripping with water.