‘And look where that got us,’ he said, a spark of life flooding into him. He took a step towards me. ‘Look what happened yesterday. How much you lost. How much it hurt. Did it help? Do you feel happier now?’
‘It will take time,’ I protested, feeling the lie char my tongue. ‘I want to be in this with you. I want to.’
‘No!’ he said. ‘You don’t want any of this. You’re lying to yourself, Sophie. You’re lying to yourself and you’re lying to me.’
My lip wobbled. I bit down hard on it. ‘Don’t tell me how I feel, Luca.’
He splayed his arms. ‘Sophie, you’re so mired in grief you can’t possibly know what you want, or what’s good for you. You scream in your sleep, did you know that? You have all the signs of post-traumatic stress disorder. Your behaviour is erratic. You lose focus easily. You don’t even smile properly any more. Whenever you find yourself laughing you catch yourself or cover your mouth until it stops. I look at you and see sadness in your eyes. I feel it – this sense of wrongness, and it’s because I brought you here and made you think this was the way forward.’
‘You saved me, Luca. I had nowhere else to go.’
‘I was selfish, Sophie. I wanted you near me, but it’s destroying you, and I can’t justify it any more. I want the light to come back to your eyes. I want you to laugh and not worry about who hears you, to smile because you feel real joy.’ He chewed the inside of his cheek, pausing, and not quite looking at me when he said, ‘I want you to love someone who is worthy of your love.’
‘You are worthy,’ I said.
‘No, I’m not.’ He shook his head. ‘This is not the life for you. I’m only sorry it took me so long to do something about it. My grief made me weak. My love for you made me selfish. And I’m sorry.’
I took a step towards him, but I could never bridge the gap now. It was stretching out like a chasm between us. ‘You wanted us to be together. I want that too.’
He clenched his jaw. ‘No.’
‘Yes,’ I said, pushing myself closer to him. ‘That’s what we both want.’
‘I don’t want that any more. I don’t want you here.’
‘I can do it,’ I said, hearing the desperation in my voice. ‘I can do this.’
‘I can’t!’ Luca said. ‘Don’t you understand that, Sophie? I can’t do this. Not with you.’
I faltered, the words tumbling back into my mouth.
He raked his hands through his hair, pulling the black strands away from his face. His eyes were startlingly blue, his lips twisting as he spoke. ‘I am not strong enough to lose you. Not to this life. Not after Valentino.’ His voice cracked. He kept going, ignoring the tears as they slid down his face. ‘I won’t risk a loss that great again knowing I have the power to prevent it.’ He came towards me and I went to him, until we were right in front of each other, the truth between us. ‘If I lose you Sophie, I’ll lose my heart. There’ll be nothing left. I won’t survive it.’
I surged into him, wrapping my arms around him. He pulled me against him, his lips in my hair as I pressed my cheek against his chest and listened to the erratic rhythm of his heartbeat, knowing it would be the last time I ever heard it.
‘I love you,’ he whispered into my hair. ‘I’ll always love you.’
I pulled back, just enough so I could look up at him. The tears were drying on his face already. ‘Come with me,’ I pleaded.
He caught a breath. ‘You know I can’t do that. I can’t leave the family.’
‘You can,’ I urged, pressing my palms against him. ‘Of course you can.’
‘No.’
‘Come to Colorado. Come to—’
He raised his palm in the air. ‘Don’t tell me where you’re going. Don’t tell anyone.’
‘But—’
‘I don’t need to know. As long as you’re safe, I don’t need to know. It’s easier this way.’
He wouldn’t find me. Not if he survived into the New Year, not if every fibre of him pushed him to look for me, he wouldn’t know where to look. Panic surged inside me.
‘Please come,’ I begged. ‘We’ll make another life.’
‘There is no other life for me, Sophie. There is no other future.’
‘You’ll die, Luca. You’ll die in this place. I can see it in your eyes.’
He didn’t look away; he didn’t deny it.
‘If you go to that yacht on New Year’s Eve, you won’t come back home. Please,’ my voice wobbled, ‘please, just come with me now. We’ll go somewhere else.’
‘Sophie.’ I could see the walls coming down, the careful shift in his expression. He was slipping into commander mode, and I could feel him drifting from me already. ‘I don’t want to fight with you.’
‘We’re fighting because we’re unhappy,’ I said. ‘But not with each other. We’re stuck here in this world where we don’t belong, trying to be something we can’t mould ourselves into.’
‘Exactly,’ he said, nodding now. ‘You don’t belong here.’
‘We don’t belong here!’ I half-shouted. My heart was racing. I took a shuddering breath and stepped away from him. I had one last-ditch attempt to save him, and he was already a million miles away. ‘Luca, you once told me I was ruled by emotions – that I couldn’t walk away from danger if those I loved were involved in it. You told me I was foolish – reckless. Now look.’ I gestured at him, at that hideous Falcone ring on his finger, at the office, and all the planned bloodshed its walls had seen. ‘You’re anchored to this family because you love them, because you can’t imagine walking away from them even though you know staying will kill you. First it will take your soul, and then it will take every shred of your beautiful humanity and burn it away, and after that it will take your body – and you’ll be nothing in the end, Luca. You’ll be nothing but a memory – nothing but the lives you’ve claimed and the hypocrisy you lived.’ I blinked my vision clear so I could see him crumple underneath my words. He needed to hear this – and, more than that, I needed to say it. ‘You don’t want this life. You never did. You know it’s wrong, you know you’re better than it, and yet, here you are, sinking with the others. And you want me to walk away. Without you.’