The worst part is I can’t say one bad thing about her. She is utterly likable in every way. Not only that, but she fits in with Bray. When I tried to fit in, I failed. The look on his face tonight when he saw me was crushing. Not until he could see that I was upset did he try to correct the problem. And I can’t help but think it was just to soothe me so I’d be more docile for the evening.
I tried for him, something I told myself I’d never do, and it still isn’t enough. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Try to be something I’m not. Never once has it worked. We can’t change who we are, it’ll always bleed through. And I don’t want to change how I am. I love who he is, and smudging his straight lines, causing havoc in his world is what makes me love him more.
The morning light starts to flood through the large glass windows, casting light across the room. The remnants of my dress lie destroyed on the floor. Now the dress doesn’t seem so ‘not me’ anymore. He told me hated the thing when he ripped it from me. It also seems he didn’t like me out in public with him. I tried to fit into his world, to be what he wanted, instead of just plain old me. It wasn’t enough and it’s time for me to go.
I feel a light kiss on my neck and Bray slides from the bed. It’s Saturday but I’m sure he’s going to work. He works every day without exception. I’ve tried to bait him to stay home a few times but my efforts are fruitless.
I lie there, pretending to be a sleep while I listen to him do his morning routine. I haven’t spent much of the money he’s given me over the past month. I have over five grand stashed because he’s been paying me in cash. That’s more than enough to hold me over for a while, until I can find myself a job, maybe even a little apartment.
The thought of never seeing Bray again rips at my heart, but if I don’t do this sooner rather than later it will only be worse. It’s better to make a clean break, fast and quick. I’m sure he’ll find someone else to take my place. Now that he has this craving for sex he can’t seem to sate, he’ll also find out that I’m nothing special. A warm body is a warm body, and maybe he can find one that isn’t so embarrassing. One that he can take out with him in public, and that he doesn’t have to hide away in his home.
When I feel his lips press to mine, I open my eyes and deepen the kiss. It’s my last taste of Bray and I want to remember it. Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’ve misread everything and I’m throwing away the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Pulling back I look up at him.
“Stay home with me today,” I plead, showing everything I feel in my eyes. “Maybe we can go out, get some lunch, and go to the park or something. It’s been forever since I went to a museum. I saw the Salvador Dali exhibit is in town. I would love to see it.” He raises his eyebrows as if he’s contemplating it. I silently beg for him to stay. Show me that I mean more, that you aren’t embarrassed to be out with me.
“Not today, Tink. I’m sorry I have—”
“A million things to do. I know,” I say, cutting him off. I don’t try to hide my disappointment.
He just stands and stares at me as if debating something.
“Maybe I’ll stop by and bring you lunch?” I ask, trying to hide the pleading tone in my voice. Now I’m just grasping for a reason to stay. As if that would really show me he wants me here.
“I can’t do that either, I’ll have people coming and going in my office all day.”
“Well, I can wait. Maybe slip in between people or something.” Jesus, I’m pathetic. Begging for an extra crumb of his time.
“I’d rather not have you just sitting outside my office.”
And there it is. He doesn’t want people to know about me. Why did he take me to the event last night? I feel my anger rising and I can’t stop the question from coming out of my mouth, though it doesn’t matter at this point. I’m leaving either way.
“Why did you take me last night?” I snap out.
“Tink,” he says, leaning in and brushing his fingers through my hair like he’s looking for something. “I’m sorry for how last night went, but I promise I won’t take you to another event, so don’t be angry with me.”
I can’t help but let out a little laugh at that. He thinks I don’t want to go because of how people treated me? No, I can deal with snide looks and judgmental attitudes, because they mean nothing to me. It’s his that bothers me. It’s always been his since the moment he stepped into that coffee shop. His judgments and comments rip at my heart. I can tell other people to shove it up their asses, but when the looks come from him, I feel like a chastised child who can’t meet the standards.
“Thanks, Vanilla. I appreciate it,” I say, sliding from the bed. “It’s fine. If you’re busy I’ll just meet up with my brother today.” Making my way to the bathroom, I realize I don’t have much stuff here that’s really mine. I can be out the door in ten minutes.
“You’ll do no such thing,” he growls from behind me. I turn to see his face is hard and he’s gearing up to fight me on this. But what’s the point? I’m leaving either way and he’ll never understand How can I abandon the one person who has always been there for me? When I was hungry would give me that last bite of food, protect me when I needed it. Sam might not being doing that now but now I was capable of doing it for him I had to.