My attention turned to my sister who was opening one of her presents from Cedric. It was a silver bracelet that had various charms dangling from it. He said he carefully selected ones that represented things that were special to them: a Gemini zodiac symbol, a dollar bill, a butterfly and several others. Allison would not stop gushing about it, and it made me wonder whether Nina would like something like that.
When my sister discarded the box, I discreetly snatched it and memorized the website where you could go online and customize one. While a bracelet might have seemed too personal a gift for someone who wasn’t officially my girlfriend, I still had the urge to make her one even if I had to hold onto it for a while or worse, never had the chance to give it to her.
My nieces were busy playing with their new toys upstairs, and the rest of the family had gone into the dining room for some of Allison’s chocolate pecan pie. I took the opportunity to sneak into the study and flipped open Cedric’s laptop, pulling up the website for the bracelet company. You could drag the charms you wanted onto the virtual silver band for an image of what your finished product would look like. I’d chosen several charms that reminded me of her: a plane, a pair of dice, a little bat. This was seriously the sappiest thing I’d ever done in all of my nearly twenty-five years, though.
The sound of Cedric’s deep intentional cough caused me to jump in the swivel chair.
“Well, well, well. What do we have here?”
Shit.
I said nothing as he leaned over my shoulder, his cologne pungent. I wanted to close out of the screen, but damn it, that would have caused me to lose all the work I’d put into the design.
Sap.
“I’ve been summoned to do some digging to find out whether our suspicions were correct, but you’ve made my job way too easy, brother.”
“Summoned by whom?”
“Your dear sister and mother. They’re convinced there’s a girl in the picture because of the way you’ve been acting. Now, clearly, unless you’ve taken a liking to wearing female jewelry, this proves they were right.”
Having Cedric around was like having an older brother. With my dad being gone, I was really grateful that my sister married a cool guy that I didn’t mind opening up to.
I let out a deep breath, rolled my eyes and conceded. “I’m so screwed, man.”
“Name?”
“Nina.”
“Hot?”
“Scorching.”
“Nice tits?”
“Legendary.”
“Ass?”
“Beyond…”
“Picture?”
I pulled my phone out and scrolled down to the one selfie I’d taken of us during our trip to Chicago. “That’s her.”
“She’s cute.” He leaned against the desk and crossed his arms. “It’s a lot more than that, though, isn’t it?”
“How could you tell?”
“Watching you tonight made me think back to my own lovesick Christmas once. It was the one right after I’d met Allison. You reminded me of how I was that year, the way you were sitting by the fire alone earlier deep in thought, checking your phone constantly, smiling to yourself like a lunatic. You’re so wrapped up in a love fog, you don’t realize that everyone around you can see it plain as day.”
“Damn.”
“Yeah.” He laughed.
My tone turned serious. “This girl…she makes me feel alive. I don’t want to lose this feeling. I’m terrified.”
He realized what I was getting at. “She doesn’t know about Ivy yet...”
“No. I’m telling her after the New Year.”
Cedric nodded in understanding. “You know I was hiding a pretty damn big secret when I met your sister.”
“That’s an understatement.”
“Well…yeah. What our story proves, though, is that love can sustain some pretty fucked up shit. Do you think what you’re feeling is love?”
“I haven’t labeled what I’m feeling. It’s not something I’ve ever experienced before. How do you know exactly?”
“How do you know that it’s love?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s a gut feeling more than anything. But there are a few things that can help you determine if it’s real. For one, how do you feel when she’s not around?”
“Lost. Sick. Aching. Like I can’t breathe.”
“Is there any other person in the world you’d rather be with at any given time?”
“No. Not a single one.”
He rubbed the scruff on his chin. “Oh. Here’s a good one. Does the thought of losing her scare the shit out of you?”
“Hell yes.”
“Yeah. You’re fucked.”
“Thanks.”
“It definitely sounds like love.”
“That last question really put it into perspective. I’ll have to remember that one.”
Losing her did scare the shit out of me.
That was the moment it hit me.
I did love her.
I was in love with Nina, and I couldn’t lose her.
Somehow, I sensed she felt as strongly about me. The fear in her eyes was evident the one time she pleaded with me to open up to her about what I was hiding. Losing me definitely scared her. That might have meant she loved me, too.
“You’ve got some hurdles to get through, but everything will turn out okay if it’s meant to be,” he said.