“Jake, what’s going on with you?” she asked.
I forged a fake smile. “I don’t think you really want to know.”
“Why would you say that?”
“Because it has to do with Nina.”
“What about her?”
Was I really about to go into this with her?
“I told you we broke up. Well, last week, I saw her with another guy. It’s made me a little crazy.”
Understatement of the year.
Opening up to Desiree, of all people, about Nina made no sense, but it hurt so damn much, I needed to get it off my chest.
“I don’t know what happened between you two, but she’s a fool for letting you go.”
I didn’t have the energy to rehash everything. So, I just said, “Thanks.”
Then, Desiree stopped talking; she never really was one for words anyway. She came around behind me and started to massage my shoulders. I closed my eyes and just focused on the feeling, trying to relax and meditate away the pain.
I wasn’t stupid. I knew why she wanted to come up here, and a part of me wanted to let it happen, anything to numb the longing and sadness.
She lifted off my shirt and began to rub her hands harder into my back as I kept my eyes closed. As she continued to massage me, my emotions transformed from sadness to anger over the fact that Nina left me over a lie. The reason for my pain was so senseless. The angrier I got, the more I wanted to erase my thoughts. So, when Desiree took off her shirt pressing her br**sts up against my back as she rubbed me, I did nothing to stop her.
Nothing mattered anymore.
Rage continued to build inside me. Desiree stopped massaging and climbed on top of me, wrapping her legs around my waist. I closed my eyes and lowered my mouth, flicking my tongue over her breast. It was mechanical at best, as I continued to obsess over Nina. I sucked on her hard, frustrated at my inability to become lost in Desiree.
She licked my lips, pushing my mouth open with her tongue. We were kissing, and suddenly, anger turned to guilt, because this felt more intimate and despite all that had happened, my body still thought it belonged to Nina. Fighting that feeling, I kissed her harder, moving my tongue roughly against hers. I nearly took her mouth off.
Then, she tugged at my lip ring with her teeth, what Nina used to love to do. I pulled back, panting. It wasn’t working. This wasn’t doing anything to erase the pain. It was making it worse.
I needed to either tell her to leave or get this over with. An image of Nina smiling at her new boyfriend flashed in my head. Guilt turned to anger again. Desiree was oblivious to the internal battle I was fighting.
She took off her panties and began grinding over my jeans. I was somewhat hard, half-mast at best, the mediocre result of my mind and body being out of synch.
“I can’t wait to feel you inside of me again,” she said. “Fuck me…now.”
Her eyes were closed as she moved over me. I looked up at her face. She was in ecstasy; I was in despair.
Fuck it.
I’d close my eyes, give her what she wanted, and maybe being inside of another woman would help me get these thoughts out of my head.
I moved her off of me and stood up, opening the bedside table for a condom. My stomach was upset, and my hand was shaky as I ripped one off of the strip and it fell to the ground.
What was I doing?
When I bent over to pick up the condom, I noticed a piece of metal glistening on my rug.
My hand shook even more as I picked it up.
It was Nina’s charm bracelet.
I froze with it in my palm and sat down on the edge of the bed, staring at it, like it were a live piece of her. I moved my fingers over the charms, as an immense sadness came over me, surpassing all the other emotions. Over the guilt, over the anger…sadness had won out. It was all that was left.
Desiree was breathing heavily and looked frustrated when I glanced over at her na**d body. “Desiree…I can’t do this. I am sorry. This was a mistake. I’m just not…ready, I guess.”
I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.
She sighed. “Are you sure?”
I nodded silently my eyes still fixed on the bracelet.
I am so sure.
“Okay, suit yourself,” she said putting her shirt back on.
I didn’t even look at her when I said, “Thank you for understanding and for the food.”
“Anytime, Jake. You know where to find me when you are ready. I’ll be here for you, unlike someone else.”
Desiree put on her clothes and quietly left my room, leaving me alone in the same spot where I stayed for the next half hour. As I rubbed my finger over the charms again, something dawned on me. I specifically remembered Nina wearing this the night she walked in and saw Lexie. The charms jingled as she shook her hand in anger at me. It was a miserable memory but an awesome revelation. If this bracelet were in my room now…that meant…Nina had been here since that night.
She had been sleeping in my bed again.
It wasn’t over.
I didn’t know when she had been here, and it didn’t matter. This was what I needed—proof from her—that maybe she still loved me, that there was hope. I knew now without a shadow of a doubt, that Mister Rogers had a fight on his hands.
***
My mind was racing as I paced the room with the bracelet—hope in the palm of my hand. Suddenly, my earlier rage had turned into vast amounts of invigorating energy…clarity. How could I have been so weak to give up that easily? I came to the conclusion that the ups and downs and guilt I experienced over the past year had broken me down, somehow making me feel undeserving of the happiness she brought to me, undeserving of her innocence. Despite the roller coaster of emotions, the one constant had always been my love for her.
It was getting late. I couldn’t go to her tonight, because what I had planned was going to take time. Tomorrow would be a new day, one that wouldn’t end until I had tried with everything I had to get her back.
Nights like this, I wished my father were around to give me advice. He’d probably smack me in the head for doubting my worthiness and for not realizing sooner that love was something to fight for.
A brisk wind blew into my window, and as I got up to close it, chills ran down my body when I recognized the melody that was coming from a Jeep parked at the traffic light outside. It was Crimson and Clover—my father’s favorite song. I looked up at the dark night sky and there was also a full moon.
I decided to keep the window open…let Dad in a little. Closing my eyes, I relished the breeze with the confidence that he had my back tomorrow.
I had fallen asleep and woke up covered in sweat about midnight. My heart was beating fast, and a strange feeling came over me. It wasn’t physically painful, but it hurt in a different way. It was just a bad feeling that something was wrong.
I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t shake it. About an hour later, my phone rang. It was Ryan.
Why wasn’t he here sleeping and why was he calling me at this hour?
I answered. “What do you want Ryan?”
“Jake?”
“Yeah…who else…what’s up?”
“I’m at New York Methodist Hospital. You need to get here as soon as you can. It’s Nina.”
CHAPTER 29
Ryan wouldn’t tell me much about Nina’s condition. He said he had just gotten there himself after her roommate called him and that he didn’t know details yet but that she was alive and stable. I let out the longest sigh of relief of my entire life.
Thank God.
He just told me to hurry and then hung up.
My entire body was shaking and I scrambled to find a shirt. As I flew out the door, I didn’t even know if I shut it behind me. I just started running and dialed a cab company on my phone in case I couldn’t hail one.
Thankfully, a red cab came around the corner a few minutes later and took me to the hospital. Nina’s eyes were all I could see as I rested my head back on the seat and prayed for her to be okay. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if anything ever happened to her, especially since there was so much left unsaid.
When we arrived, I threw a fifty-dollar bill at the cabbie and told him to keep the change as I ran across the street and nearly got hit by a departing ambulance. I blew through the front doors of the emergency entrance. The room was spinning with the sounds of intercoms, kids whining and stretchers being wheeled in. Dammit, I just needed to get to her.
Out of breath, I told the woman at the front desk, “I’m looking for Nina Kennedy. She was brought here about an hour ago.”
“And you are?”
I couldn’t even think straight and hesitated, not sure how to answer. “I’m her…friend…Jake Green.”
She lifted her phone and dialed it. “Where did they take Nina Kennedy?” she asked someone on the other end.
My chest pounded in nervous anticipation as panic set in.
She hung up the phone. “She’s in a room now on the ninth floor. Go down that hallway and take a right. You’ll see the elevators. The nurses will be able to direct you.”
I started running before she even finished her sentence and nearly knocked over an old man behind me.
When I got to the floor Nina was on, my heart sank when I noticed Mister Rogers getting out of another elevator.
What the f**k was he doing here?
I was too scared to be pissed. We walked side by side over to where Tarah, Ryan and Daria were standing.
“Where’s Nina?”
“A doctor is examining her right now. We were asked to wait out here,” Tarah said.
“What happened?”
Ryan looked at Tarah. Tarah looked at Daria. Daria looked at Mister Rogers. Mister Rogers looked at me.
What the hell was he looking at? And why weren’t they telling me what was going on?
The look on Ryan’s face was especially suspicious.
Daria’s voice was shaky as she put her hand on my shoulder. “She was losing blood. We don’t know what’s happening, but she’s been conscious the whole time. She’s going to be okay. I am sure of it. The doctor is just examining her.”
“I guess we’ll know something soon,” Ryan said looking over at me.
Something wasn’t right. I didn’t buy that they knew nothing.
I glared at Mister Rogers. “Who are you?”
“I’m her friend, Roger. Daria called me.”
Roger. You have got to be kidding me…
“Friend, huh? That’s bullshit. I saw you two last week holding hands and kissing outside of her apartment. You didn’t look like friends to me.”
He shook his head. “We’re just friends, Jake.”
“How do you know my name?” I seethed.
“She talks about you all the time. How could I not know who you were?”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how we bonded actually, over our break ups. I am a friend of Daria’s. I am at their house a lot. Nina and I have become close over the past month.”
“Let me get this straight. She’s been talking about me while she’s kissing you?”
Daria and Roger looked at each other smiling, when he said, “I don’t know what you think you saw…but that was no kiss, maybe a peck on the cheek. Jake…I’d rather kiss you…okay? I’m gay.”
“I know what I—” I stopped talking realizing what he just confessed. “Did you just say you’re gay?”
“Yes.”
“Gay…”
“Last time I checked.”
My body relaxed. I felt stupid but relieved. Euphoric. She hadn’t moved on from me. I was so happy I could have kissed him…and he would have loved it.
Roger was gay. It was a beautiful f**king day in the neighborhood.
Now, I just needed Nina to be okay. God, please make everything be okay. The doctor was taking forever. I paced the hallway, stopping at one point to look over at Roger. “I’m sorry for overreacting, man.”
“No problem. We’re all just here because we care about Nina, and believe me when I say she still cares about you…a lot.” My chest tightened when he said it.
She still cared about me.
Ten agonizing minutes later, the door finally opened. My heart was beating out of my chest because I could now see her through the crack of the door. She was sitting up in bed wearing a hospital gown, her hair tied into a messy side ponytail. She looked scared. It was overwhelming, and I almost rushed the room when the doctor said, “Who’s Jake?”
Practically leaping forward, I raised my hand and said, “I am.”
“Nina would like to see you.”
I pushed past him in a split second, my eyes glued to her as I entered the room closing the door behind me.
My angel. She asked for me.
She started crying immediately upon seeing me and then opened her arms, an invitation to hold her. I knocked over the plastic water jug at her bedside in my rush to get to her. She held my head to her chest, and I wrapped my arms around her, grateful that she was okay. But she was upset, so the news couldn’t be all good. I was terrified.
“What’s going on? Tell me what happened to you,” I whispered into her.
She gasped for breath through her tears.
I held her tighter. “Shh…take it easy, baby. It’s okay. I’m here now.”
“It’s not okay, Jake,” she said, pulling away from me.
I lifted my head to look at her and sat down at her bedside. “What do you mean?”
She closed her eyes and struggled for the words. “I failed you.”
“What? What are you talking about?”
She gave me her hand to hold for support, and a tear fell down her cheek. “Can you ever forgive me?”