“But Jimmy L, he was very cute. And my dad liked him. And he wasn’t a player, like most of the boys in my school. He was loyal. And sweet.”
“So what did you see in him?”
She laughs at that. “You think I like the bad ones?”
“You like JD. He’s as bad as they come.”
“You’re his best friend. So what’s that say about you?”
“I’m so much worse than him, it’s not even fair to compare us.”
She huffs out a breath at that admission. “You’re trying to scare me by talking bad about yourself.”
“Was Jimmy L a good kisser?”
“Yes.” She says this with a smile and I know it’s true. She liked him.
“So why did you break up?”
“We didn’t.”
“What?”
Suddenly her demeanor changes and her smile falters. She turns her back to me. “I’m tired of playing.”
“You didn’t answer all twenty questions, so no playtime.”
“I’m over it.” And then she sits up like she’s gonna get out of the bed.
“Hey,” I say, grabbing her by the arm and pulling her back onto the mattress. “You’re staying here and you’re answering that question.”
She closes her eyes and ignores me.
“I tell you what. I’ll let you off with only seven if you tell me what happened to you and Jimmy.”
“Why do you want to know that?” She turns her head to me, giving me a sideways glance. “So you can make fun of me? So you can use it to control me? Why?”
“So I can begin to figure you out.”
“There’s no mystery to solve, Ark. I’m just…” She lets out a long breath of air. “I’m just…”
She doesn’t finish. And I’m not gonna push. I got a good enough start. “Come here,” I say, slipping my hand under her waist and pulling her up to my chest. “You earned this at least. I’m not gonna smack you around to make you come, but I’ll keep you warm.” She’s quiet and still in my arms. I count the seconds and as they tick off, I begin to regret prying into her past. “Good enough for you?”
“He died.”
Fuck.
“That’s what happened to us. He died of some weird blood disease. I’m not even sure what it was. Something exotic that could be fixed if they caught it in time. But they didn’t. We were on spring break our senior year. We had this public service requirement for graduation, so we were in this small town in Arkansas with no hospital. And by the time they realized he needed a real emergency room, it was too late. He died in the ambulance on the way. I was holding his hand when it happened.”
I wait for her tears, but they don’t come. She’s cried twice when JD’s fucked her. But admitting that her first boyfriend died holding her hand gets me nothing.
Why? I need to know. I need to know what she’s thinking.She tries to get up but I hold her tight and she gives in, settling back against my chest. I count her breaths and they are even and deep.
Was it a lie?
I don’t think so. No, that’s not why she’s calm. That’s not why there are no tears. She’s just turned it off. She’s a good little liar, but it’s not me she’s lying to. It’s herself.
“You can ask me a question,” I whisper. “If you want.”
She’s silent for so long, I take that as disinterest. And I’m just about to close my eyes and try to fall back asleep when it finally comes.
“Who is the person you love most in this world?”
“That’s easy,” I tell her. “JD.”
“Why?” She turns her body so she can look at me. “Why do you love him if he’s a bad guy?”
I shrug. “Because you gotta love someone.”
“And he was just there?”
“Yeah, he was just there.”
“But now he’s more than just there.”
“Now he’s the only person in this world I can trust. He’s the only person in this world worth saving when the shit goes down. He’s the only person in this world who won’t fuck me over.”
“How do you know that, though? How do you know he won’t?”
“Because he loves me.”
“But you’re not gay?”
“Blue, please. It’s not the same kind of love.”
“Maybe so. But you could try.”
“Try what?”
“Try loving us together.”
“Why do you need two men?” I ask. “Why isn’t he enough?”
“I told you. I don’t feel safe unless I’m surrounded.”
I give her a little squeeze. “My arms aren’t enough for you to feel surrounded?”
She says nothing after that. And it’s not so she can think up her answer, it’s just because she’s got no answer. She doesn’t know why she needs us both. JD doesn’t know why he wants me to share her. I don’t know why I’m refusing.
Principle, I guess. She’s mine, anyway. She was mine the moment I saw her.
“I know where JD went yesterday. Where he’s going today, too.”
She doesn’t answer. Maybe she’s asleep.
“And it’s not good, Blue. I’ll share you if that’s what you want. But only because JD will never be able to give you what you need.”