Rook and I stare at each other for a few seconds and then she shakes her head and breaks away. “Shit, Ronnie, we are a couple of whiners, you know that?”
I nod. “I know that. I do. It’s wrong to have so much and be so unappreciative. It’s wrong, I get it. But I can’t help it, Rook, I’m not fulfilled. I’m… unsatisfied.”
“Holy f**k, that’s the perfect word.” Her eyes get wide and she puffs up her cheeks with air. “That’s the perfect way to describe it. Time out from your pity party, I’m throwing one too. So last week when I was spending some time with Ashleigh before we did that—” She stops, like she caught herself saying something she shouldn’t.
And this is when I realize that Rook is part of it. She’s part of that shit the guys do. I let my head sink in my hands, totally defeated.
“Well… I was gonna take care of Kate for a few hours last week, so I went over to their house to meet her properly. She and Ford just got back the day before, so even though I saw her that night for the party—” Rook winces this time, realizing this mistake was even more damaging than the last.
God, that hurts. Because I wasn’t invited to the Welcome Home Ford and Family Party.
“—and I was in their living room, looking around. Apparently that Pam is a whiz, because Ford and Ash’s house looked like it came out of a magazine. Anyway.” Rook shakes herself out of that thought and continues. “I’m sitting there just making chit-chat, right? Just, you know, feeling her out, getting to know her. So she tells me she was in grad school, like she’s just about done with her master’s degree in psychology, right? She’s one research paper away from graduation. She’s done all her studies, wrote like two hundred pages of notes, and it’s some fancy-sounding topic—brainwave patterns of emotionally compromised children or some shit like that. Way, way over my head. So I ask her, ‘You gonna go back and finish? Get that piece of paper?’ And she’s all… just as casually as you can imagine… ‘No, probably not.’”
“Really?” I ask. “Master’s degree—that’s like a shitload of school.”
“Yeah,” Rook replies. “That’s what I said. I’m all, ‘Isn’t it a waste of time and money to not finish when you’re so close?’ and she’s all, ‘Yeah, probably. But I’m satisfied. So I’m not going back.’ And I tell you what, Ronnie Vaughn, I was so filled with jealousy for this woman, I could barely function for like thirty minutes. I mean, she’s not really that pretty. She’s cute, she’s got a curvy body, her hair and skin are beautiful. And she’s got big eyes and full pouty lips. So yeah, she’s easy on the eyes. But she’s not stunning, ya know? Not like the pets I’ve seen Ford with every once in a while before he got rid of them. Ashleigh never wears makeup, and her wardrobe—I’m sorry if this sounds catty, I’m just making an observation—but her wardrobe reminds me of my homeless days.”I laugh, I can’t help it. It’s all true. Ashleigh walks around this town with her mean-ass dogs, pushing a stroller, wearing t-shirts and leggings, with bright pink running shoes on her feet like she owns the f**king place. She could care less what people think about her. Like at all.
“And I’m seriously not saying this to be a bitch, OK? I like her, I love that baby. But she makes me feel so f**king inadequate.”
I’m stunned, because in my mind, Rook—she’s perfect. In just about every way. “Why?”
“Because she has everything I want.”
“Aww,” I say, leaning in to hug her. “I’m sorry, Gidget.” That makes her chuckle but I know she’s crying now. “Finish your thought, Rook, just get it out, bitch.”
Rook sniffs and laughs again. “And it’s not Ford, OK? I do love him as a friend. I still talk to him like four times a week on the phone and we’ve run the Poudre River trail a bunch of times since he’s been back from New Zealand. I’m jealous because she’s on the cusp of everything, ya know? Like, if she wanted to be a career mom, it’s like six months of work, a licensing exam, and bam, she’s a counselor. But she wants to stay home and be a mother instead. And my whole life I’ve watched girls get stuck at home with kids they couldn’t afford and maybe even didn’t want. They got left behind by the men who helped create that situation. So I spent all my teenage years pushing that away. And when I got pregnant with Jon, I was not happy. Not for a long time. But then the idea that I could relax and be a mother sorta grew on me.”
I lean in and rub her back. Because what happened to her sucks. You should not have to lose a child like that when you’re barely eighteen years old.
“And now I’m thinking I was wrong, Ronnie. Because Ash said something else after that. She said, ‘I can go back any time I want. But I’m never gonna be this person again. Every day the baby grows bigger, my love for Ford changes in small subtle ways, my life gets better or worse, or more chaotic or less stressful. Nothing stays the same and I can’t stop that. So I’m gonna enjoy what I have right now and not worry about tomorrow.’”
“Is that why you’re taking your implant out today?”
Rook nods. “Yeah. Because you know what? Ronin rocks my f**king world. He’s everything to me. And I guess it took me seeing it from another perspective to realize it. Because you know, Ford might be weird and a total dick to almost everyone. But he’s a very black-and-white guy. He married Ashleigh and there’s nothing in this world that will tear them apart from his point of view. Nothing but death. Because when Ford goes in, he goes all in.