“It’s not that I want to push you away! I don’t even have a real fucking place to stay.”
“So? You can handle it but I can’t?”
“No, it’s not that you can’t. You shouldn’t have to.”
Josiah pulled his hand away. “Don’t do this. You said. The first day of school, you told Molly not to baby me. Don’t you do it, either. I don’t deserve anything more than you do. I can handle it if you can.”
Mateo closed his eyes, letting out a deep breath. Josiah wracked his brain, trying to think of anything he could say or do to change Mateo’s mind. Panic burned through him. He couldn’t do this. Couldn’t lose Mateo. He’d do whatever it took to make that happen.
“You promised. You said you’d take care of me. I can’t do this without you. If you really want to protect me, to take care of me, I need to be with you, Teo.” The words, though true, were like acid on his tongue. No matter what, it felt wrong to manipulate Mateo like this.
Mateo reached for him. “Jay, don’t do this. Don’t let me drag you down. It’s not right. They’ll let you go back. It’ll kill me if somethin’ happens to you.”
“You won’t let it. I trust you. We’ll be okay, as long as we’re together.”
“Josiah.” He ran his hand through Josiah’s hair and cupped the back of his head before letting it fall. Mateo dropped his forehead to Josiah’s.
“I need you.”
“Do you know what you’re saying? You’re a runaway. We’ll be on the streets, Jay. I’ve been selling drugs for a month just to have money. That’ll be our life.”
He shook his head, panic shoving words out of his mouth. “Not forever. Just for six months. When I turn eighteen, we won’t have to hide anymore. We can do this. We’ll do it together.”
“Then you can go back to Yorktown for six months. We’ll see each other when we can, and then when you graduate next year, we can go to California. Maybe you could go to school out there or something. I’ll save money for us until then.”
Josiah’s stomach dropped out. This wasn’t going to work. Mateo was going to leave him. He had this voice in his head, this piece of knowledge that he didn’t know the origin of, that told him it wouldn’t work. That if they weren’t together, Mateo wouldn’t be able to deal.
How could he go back and stay in a nice house every night and sleep in his comfortable bed while Mateo was on the streets? Or living in some crap place selling drugs to eat? He couldn’t do that.
“Together. We’re in this together, Teo. I won’t be without you. If you go, I go. I won’t go back without you, even if I have to stay here alone.” That was the truth. “I’ve never stood up for myself in my life, not really, but I’m doing it now. You...you mean too much to me not to. I love you, Teo.”
Josiah’s heart started beating again when Mateo’s lips pressed to his. “Fuck, I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing by you.” But then he grabbed the bags from Josiah’s hands and said, “Come on. Let’s get the fuck outta here.”
***
Mateo said they had to stay out of Brooklyn. That he’d been staying out of that borough, so hopefully he wouldn’t see anyone he knew. He wore his beanie all the time, trying to blend in with everyone.
They slept on the streets. Well, he did, at least. Mateo hardly ever slept, always trying to keep an eye on him.
He bought a knife off some guy that he kept in his pocket all the time. Josiah held onto the queen that Mateo had carved for him. But no matter how hard it was, how much he shook from nerves or how fast his heart beat when they saw a cop or when noises woke him up at night, this was right. Being with Mateo was right.
About two weeks after they got into New York City, Mateo brought him to a different park. “Here.” He slipped his hand into Josiah’s pocket. He didn’t have to feel it to know it was the knife.
“What? No. I don’t want that.”
“And I’m not leaving you without it. You keep that fucking thing in your hand, and if anyone gives you shit, you use it, Jay. You hear me?” He scanned their surroundings.
Josiah’s nails dug into Teo’s arm he held him so tightly. “What? Where are you going?”
“I’m gonna figure some shit out for us today, okay? It’s not good for you to be with me. We’re in a safe area, so you’ll be fine. Pretend you’re a tourist or some shit. I’ll be back before dark. I promise.”