He hadn’t come. He wouldn’t come. He didn’t want Josiah.
After all this time, a strangled cry still surged up his windpipe. Fat drops fell from his eyes, hitting the paper, that ache that hadn’t left his chest in two years still there.
Josiah’s hair fell in his face, making anger pump through him. That stupid, blond hair that Mateo had loved so much.
Dropping the paper to the floor, he went into the bathroom. Ripped open the cabinet and jerked out an electric razor.
His hand still shook as he plugged it in. Turned it on. Ran it over his head. Watched as the blond strands fell into the sink.
Josiah looked at his red eyes in the mirror. Watched the tick in his jaw. Saw his shaved head, the hair Mateo loved, gone.
It didn’t take that ache away. Didn’t remove the need. The loneliness. Worry. Fear. Regret.
Love.
Mateo sent him away, but Josiah still couldn’t cut him from his heart.
Just like always, he wasn’t as strong as he wanted to be.
Chapter Two
Three years after Mateo
Josiah
“Do you go to school or anything? I’m studying psychology.” Elliot, Josiah thought his name was, smiled at him. He was new to Fisherman’s Roast Coffee House, and today was Josiah’s day to train him. Elliot pushed his dark hair out of his face, making Josiah miss his own. It was stupid to keep his head shaved. Stupid to think something like that would hurt Mateo, who would never know about it, but Josiah had to do something. He couldn’t think of anything else.
“Hello? College? I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. It’s not like I think everyone our age has to go to school or something. What are you? Twenty? Twenty-one?”
Josiah studied him, squinted his eyes a little trying to figure him out. Warning bells played through his head. Charlie had been nice like this. Charlie had run away while two guys tried to rape him.
He turned, running a rag over the table to wipe it clean.
“Oh-kay,” Elliot mumbled.
“Don’t take it personally. Josiah hardly talks to anyone. Always keeps to himself.” Larson pretended Josiah wasn’t even there while he spoke and Josiah let him. “Anyway, I’m out of here. He’ll help when it comes to work. All he cares about is this coffee house.” And then Larson was gone, leaving Josiah alone with Elliot.
“Wow. He’s kind of a dick. So anyway, school?” he asked again. “You look about my age.”
Didn’t he get it? Josiah couldn’t just be friends with someone. Not after everything he lost. That’s all he did was lose. His parents, William and Molly...Mateo. When he’d gone back to William after Mateo sent him away, William had done the same. He’d said it hurt too much after losing Molly.
Josiah ignored the question.
The only time he talked during their six hour shift was to explain something to Elliot or talk to a customer. When it was time to leave, Elliot looked at him and said, “Thanks. I learned more with you today than I did with Larson yesterday.” And then he smiled.
Nice... He seemed really nice. Words bubbled up in his throat and Josiah opened his mouth to let them out. “Thanks. And I’m twenty-one. No, I don’t go to college.”
That was as much as he could give.
Chapter Three
Five and a half years after Mateo
“I’m thinking about staying in tonight.” Josiah swapped the phone from one hand to the other. He kicked his feet up on the antique coffee table he found at a garage sale.
“No, you said you were going to hang out, and you’re going to hang out. I just got my bachelor’s degree. If that’s not a good reason for you to hang out with a friend, I don’t know what is.” Elliot let out a heavy breath.
A few months after Elliot started working at Fisherman’s Roast, Josiah realized he was one of the most determined people he knew. Why the guy wanted to be friends with him so bad, Josiah didn’t know. But he hadn’t given up, kept pushing and talking to Josiah until words just started tumbling out of Josiah’s mouth, too. Until he started asking Elliot questions first and listening to him talk about girls, his family, or whatever else.
Sometimes they’d have lunch together, or Elliot would go to thrift stores with him, and once they even went on a tour of Alcatraz. Growing up here, Elliot had been before, but he didn’t mind going again with Josiah.
It took a while, but he finally realized Elliot wasn’t Charlie. Josiah actually trusted him, and didn’t believe Elliot would ever betray him. In fact, he seemed to really like having Josiah around.
“You’re going back for your Master’s next year.”