Mateo ran both his hands through his hair, letting them rest on the back of his neck. “What does it matter?”
“How long ago?” Josiah said, louder this time.
“Almost five years.”
Josiah shook his head, slowly turning around. “Let me guess, you saw us walking?” After a nod from Mateo, he continued. “We weren’t together then.”
He started to pace the room. “You came for me. All this time I thought you forgot about me, but you came, Teo. You came and I didn’t know. You came when I wasn’t even with Tristan and I don’t even know how in the hell to feel about that!”
His voice got louder and louder as he continued. “I’ve loved you since I was sixteen, but now I love Tristan, too. I can’t wish I didn’t have him, but you came back for me.”
Mateo stood up, walking toward him. “Jay—”
“No. Stay the hell away from me. What happened next? Where did you go next?”
He stopped a few feet away from Josiah, wishing he could tell him to fucking forget about Tristan. That he belonged with Mateo.
But then it was Josiah who stepped toward him. “What happened next, Teo?”
Dios, he hated this part. His throat tried to close so he couldn’t get the words out. So he didn’t have to let Josiah now how big a piece of shit he really was. Mateo grabbed his pants and pulled them on. “Prison.” He crossed his arms as if they were a barrier, a wall between them. “Just a couple years. Not like that fuckin’ matters, but yeah. I was locked up for a couple years. Came here almost as soon as I got out.”
Mateo’s hands fisted but he silently counted backward from ten, trying to calm himself down.
Josiah didn’t turn away. He sighed before asking, “What for?”
“Drugs.” But then, because he couldn’t hold the words back, couldn’t keep himself from reminding Josiah just what a bastard he was, he added, “But you know that’s not the worst thing I’ve done.”
“And I also know you never wanted to do those things.”
Thank you. He shrugged. “But I did.” And since he was a dickhead, he might as well do it thoroughly. “I came here to say goodbye to you for real, mi precioso. I just wanted to make sure you were okay and then I was gonna walk away. Disappear.” Where no one could find me. “I didn’t mean for you to see me but now that you did, fuck, I don’t even know what the hell is gonna happen with me. I can’t fucking walk away from you again. Even if I only get a week with you that’s better than nothin’.”
“And I’m with Tristan.” Josiah spoke low, but with conviction.
Not for the first time today, Josiah carved out his heart. It’s like he’d put it back in, giving Mateo hope, and then sliced it out again. “The suit. He’s good to you?” he asked again.
Josiah paused before replying. “He’s not perfect but I know he loves me. Things haven’t been easy for him, either. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be here right now. He’s the one who found out where you were today.”
Mateo dropped back down to sit on the bed. “Am I supposed to thank him? I can’t do that shit.”
“No, you’re just... I can’t do this. I have to go.” He picked up his shoes and didn’t bother putting them back on. “Give me my queen. I want it back.”
Mateo opened the drawer by the bed, pulled it out and tossed it to him. “You kept it with you, Jay. All these years, and you still carried it with you.” He took out a worn piece of paper next. “All the shit I’ve been through, and I still have the letter, too. Always. I read it a million times while we were apart. I kept you with me, too.”
Josiah didn’t respond. For the second time in a week, Mateo didn’t stop him as he walked away. He hardly made it to the bathroom before he vomited until there was nothing left.
Chapter Five
Tristan
Tristan hadn’t slept in three days. Four if you counted the last night Josiah was here with him. When he knew that he would have to let Josiah go to Mateo.
So he had.
And he hadn’t seen him since.
He’d gone to work and ran on his elliptical for hours on end. Worked, went to visit his mother, yet none of it cured the loneliness spreading throughout him more each day.
He’d never really been lonely before because he never let himself emotionally connect enough. But now he did, and it multiplied inside him like a deadly, fast-moving cancer.
He wasn’t sure how he felt about it. Anger braided together with the loneliness, and through that a strand of love. Yes, he’d known he loved Josiah. He’d told Josiah that he expected him to come home to him. He wanted that, but he also thought that if Josiah chose Mateo, he would be able to let him go.