“You loved him enough to let him walk away, knowin’ he was coming to me. I don’t know if I could’ve done it.”
He shook his head at that. He got what Mateo tried to do there. He wanted to give Tristan something in return for what he said, only Tristan didn’t agree. “Maybe it means I didn’t love him enough. Maybe it was the wrong way to show him how I feel.”
“He would have resented you if you hadn’t, and you both would have always wondered why he was with you. If it was just ‘cause he didn’t have a choice.”
Tristan’s head jerked in Mateo’s direction, feeling as though another chain wrapped around the two of them. It was as if Mateo had plucked those words from his head. Before he could reply, not that he knew what he would say, Mateo spoke again. “And he will choose you. I fuckin’ hate it, but I know he will. And I know he should.”
Those words should have made Tristan ecstatic. In a way, they did...but they also hollowed him out. Made that emptiness take over again. “And I also know the decision will kill him. A part of him will always belong to you.”
“I shot that all to hell when I walked away from him. You think it’ll kill him to choose you, but it’ll do the same fuckin’ thing to him if he chose me. I can’t give him the shit you can.”
“Stuff!” Tristan yelled before lowering his voice. “I can give him stuff. I have never told him I love him. I’ve never given...” He shook his head, not able to go there.
“And I’ve come to him with blood on my hands. I’ve left him. I’m an ex-con. I know all that shit, yet I’m still here. I can’t walk away from him again unless he tells me to go.”
Tristan stopped walking, and so did Mateo. They faced each other, different in so many ways. Tristan wore a suit, Mateo low-slung jeans. He had his ear pierced, tattoos, while Tristan had to go to his high-rise office soon, prosecuting people who did many of the things he knew Mateo had done.
But then, they both loved the same man. Both had done things that were very wrong, and against the law. And he respected the hell out of Mateo in some ways because he’d been strong enough to do things Tristan never had. He didn’t need details to know it. Mateo would and probably had manned up to protect what was his, rather than plugging his ears and pretending nothing happened. His mom kept herself locked in her apartment, scared of the outside world because he hadn’t protected her the way he should.
“We’ve both failed him,” he told Mateo.
Mateo nodded and took a step backward, then another, obviously knowing their conversation was over. Before he left, he asked, “What time did he used to come feed the birds?”
“He won’t be here.”
“I know.”
Tristan told him what time and hesitated, but then just let himself speak. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
Mateo nodded before walking away.
Chapter Six
Josiah
Josiah was lost.
He lay on the bed in his dingy room, remembering the time years ago he stayed in the same hotel. Only then, he'd been more than lost. He'd been broken. Which he guessed in a way he still was. He, Mateo, and Tristan were all broken in one way or another. Mateo had mended so many of his pieces all those years ago before shattering them again. Then it had been Tristan who handed him the glue to put himself together. Tristan, who was always there for him, yet had never told Josiah he loved him. Still, he might not use words, but Josiah knew Tristan wouldn’t walk away from him, either.
Josiah stood, walked over to the desk, and looked at his bird and queen, pleaded with them to give him the answers like Tristan and Teo always did.
He scooped them both into his hand.
He couldn’t make sense of anything. Doubted everything, but still had knowledge of the things he doubted cemented inside him. Confusion made it hard to sort through how he felt and what he knew. Mateo and Tristan were both in his life. He loved both of them, and he did know they loved him. He made it all these years without Mateo, but seeing him again fused them back together. But then there was Tristan. Tristan made him feel strong in a way he never had before, and he would always love him for that. He couldn't lose Tristan, either.
Josiah let his queen and his bird roll around in his hand. He made them touch and flip over each other, wishing they could somehow be a part of one another. That his queen could protect the bird. Be strong for it and take care of it. The bird in return nurturing and loving the queen. Or that he could do something for them. What did he do for them besides fall apart? Be the broken piece they’d both had to put together?