Chapter Twenty-one
The lights were still on in Ryan's bedroom, the sky dark outside his window, when Vicki woke in his arms a while later. As soon as she shifted, he spoke.
"I wore you out."
He effortlessly maneuvered her so that she was lying flat on her back and he was levered on his right arm looking down at her. He looked so pleased with himself, she couldn't resist smiling at him.
"You did. Three times, actually."
He grinned back at her and for a moment it was as if nothing had changed and they were just two friends who enjoyed each other's company.
Only, that wasn't even the slightest bit true.
Because everything had changed.
Everything.
As the smile fell from her lips, Ryan's expression grew serious, too.
"Don't tell me it was weird again, Vicki. Not when we both know it was anything but."
She hated that she'd hurt him with what she'd so stupidly blurted that morning. "No, it wasn't weird. It was great. Last night was great, too. But - "
He stopped her with a kiss. One that was just as sweet as it was sinful.
"I'm going to let you finish saying what you have to say so that you can get every single one of those buts out of your system." He stared down at her, his eyes dark with intense emotion. "And then you're going to listen to what I have to say. So go ahead. Get it all out."
In the wake of his kiss - and the press of his hard muscles over her - she had to work really, really hard to ignore the fact that she and Ryan were completely na**d in his bed. The problem was, she knew he was right, that if she didn't give voice to all of her worries now, the next time they ended up in bed together, things would only be more confusing between them.
"I know you would never hurt me, Ryan. Not on purpose, anyway. And I would never want to hurt you, either. But - " She paused, hating what came next. " - I just don't see how this can end any way but badly when I'm made for the long term and you're not."
A tic jumped in his jaw as he stared down at her. "How can you say I'm not made for the long term?"
"How long has your longest relationship been?"
"A few months." His gaze softened as he added, "But none of them were you, Vicki."
His sweet words warmed her, of course they did, but she still had to ask, "And how many women have you been with?"
Something flashed in his eyes and it looked a heck of a lot like remorse. "I've already told you that none of them mattered to me. You're the only one who ever has."
The twisting of her stomach at the thought of all those women had her nodding. "You're right, I don't want - or need - to know the number." Besides, if she extrapolated from their one year together in high school, she could make a pretty good guess.
"I don't see what my past has to do with our future."
"Here's what: You've been with lots of women whom you freely admit didn't matter. I've never done that." Vicki lifted her chin and met his gaze squarely. "In my entire life, I've been with two men."
She could read the shock on his face, loud and clear. "Hold on a second. You were a virgin when you met your husband?"
She didn't want to be embarrassed about her choices. Not when they'd felt like the right ones at the time.
"I wasn't a total prude during college. I'd fooled around with a handful of guys, but I couldn't justify sleeping with them when I knew I wouldn't be with them past the next semester."
Besides, none of them had made her insides turn to goo, or made her heart flutter in her chest, the way she'd hoped they would.
Precisely the way Ryan did.
"I can't believe your bastard ex-husband got to be your first."
She could see how jealous he was about it. It shouldn't have made her feel good, but it did.
She gave him a wry smile. "He loved it, of course. I think it made him feel like the conquering hero. You know, going where no man had gone before and all that. And, stupidly, I thought we were going to be together forever. Maybe if I had stayed twenty-two, it would have worked out, but I had to grow up at some point. Everything changed once I wasn't that impressionable, star-struck girl anymore." And still she'd hung on, hoping that they could work things out, hoping that she didn't have to end up a failure at love, too.
"I'm not like that, Vicki. I'm not like him."
"I know." She had to smile at Ryan as she brushed her hand lightly over his stubbly chin. "That's one of the reasons I let myself sleep with you. Not just because my hormones were taking over, but because I trust you.""Then keep trusting me when I say that I've wanted to be with you since we were fifteen. Even before you saved me from that car, I wanted you, Vicki. All those stories I've told these past few days about trying to get you to notice me and losing you to another man were true."
"I love hearing you say all that, so much you wouldn't believe, but even though I've only been with two men, I've seen enough to understand that wanting rarely becomes more than that."
"What about the fact that since you've been back, everything's been better?"
"I guess that's something," she admitted in a cautious voice.
"It's a hell of a lot more than something. Vicki, I want you to give me a chance. I want to be your boyfriend. I want you to be my girlfriend. I want you to stop assuming that I'll be wanting out in a few weeks. I want our relationship to be real."
"It all sounds so good," she said slowly.
"It will be good. I promise."
His confidence was one of the things she'd always loved about him. But life had never come as easily to her as it had to him. Not anywhere near.
So she needed to be realistic...and make sure that what they were doing didn't end up ripping away one of the most important people in her life.
"What if it doesn't work out? What if all we're feeling is the rush of new excitement at finally getting to be more than friends?"
"I've had it bad for you for fifteen years. My feelings have never gone away. They've only grown bigger, stronger with every year we were apart. And every time I look at you, every time I touch you, you're even more beautiful than you were just seconds ago. Now that we've gotten horizontal - and vertical - a couple of times, I'm pretty sure you've wanted it, too. We've waited half our lives for this chance to be together. Do you really think we're going to blow it now?"
She wanted so badly to believe that they wouldn't. But she'd believed that before, had followed her passions, and she'd been wrong.
She had to be pragmatic, for once. Practical. Especially now, when so much was at stake.
"Of course I don't think either of us would go into a relationship planning to screw it up. I just need to know - if dating doesn't work out, will we still be friends? Or will it be too weird, too hard, to see each other all the time?"
Especially if it turned out that she wasn't enough for Ryan after all.
He blew out a hard breath. "You keep saying that I'm not a forever kind of guy, but you're the one who keeps talking about things ending."
She was surprised to realize he was right.
"I'm just scared that we'll make a mistake we can't recover from. Where we are right now, I think we can probably still step back and be okay. But if we go further and it all goes wrong - "
"What if I told you that I see us together forty years from now, with kids and grandkids and you with clay under your fingernails and me coaching the Little League team down the street? And what if I told you that I'm in l - "
Even as she tried to catch her breath at the fairy tale he was painting for her, the very same one she wanted more and more with every passing year, full of kids and grandkids in a close-knit family that loved and laughed and fought as a unit, she jumped to press her fingers against his mouth.
Of course she wanted him to love her back, but she couldn't bear to hear him say it after they'd just had such good sex. Not if she'd always be afraid it was the only reason he'd said it.
"I think this is a good time to remind you that after spending more than a decade on different continents, we've only spent a week together and had sex twice."
He pressed a kiss to her fingertips before sliding his fingers through hers and lowering their hands. "True, but it's been really awesome sex."
His sudden grin reminded her so much of the boy she'd first fallen for so many years ago. She laughed despite the serious tone of their conversation.
And then he put her hand palm-down on his chest and her laughter and his grin both fell completely away.
It was testament to just how well he knew her that he understood that when words were failing, the only surefire path to get to her emotions was through her hands.
"Be with me, Vicki. For real this time. And let me convince you that you'll never need to know the answers to those questions."
Vicki's vows to be cautious had nothing on Ryan's dark eyes or the strong and steady beat of his heart beneath her hands.
"I want to be with you, too," she said softly. "But even though we started out things in reverse, I think we need to take it slow. Just to be sure that we don't accidentally mess everything up."
"Slow, huh?" Her heart dropped when he frowned. "I don't know if I can promise to go slow with you in bed."
Relief flooded her. "Don't be stupid." She grabbed another condom out of the side table, then pushed him down on the bed and straddled him. "Hot, fast, and dirty sex is grandfathered into this discussion."
He grinned at her even as he pulled her mouth down to his. "Then what do you say we have a quickie before I ask you out on our first official date?"
Moments later she was answering him by sinking down onto his hard heat. For the next few minutes she let the sweet press of his mouth against hers, the rough caress of his needy hands over her skin, push away her doubts, her fears...and the sure knowledge that nothing had ever come easy to her before.
Especially not love.