“You talked to Pia about IVF,” she began.
“I did. She made it sound both great and awful.”
Dakota wrinkled her nose. “Aren’t there hormone shots involved? I would hate that. I’m a true baby when it comes to needles.”
“I don’t love them, either, but if it’s for a good cause, I could deal.”
Dakota drew in a breath. “I don’t want you to take this wrong. I’m saying it with love.”
“You’re avoiding saying it with love.”
“You’re right. It’s just…” She reached a hand across the small table and touched Charlie’s arm. “I think you’re doing this in the wrong order. You want to have a family and I completely respect that. And you. The decision to be a single parent isn’t an easy one. Many single parents have the situation thrust upon them. They don’t get to choose and you do.”
Which all sounded great, Charlie thought. “But?”
“But in my opinion, you’re making that choice for the wrong reason.” She met Charlie’s gaze. “What happened to you is awful. And that you were unable to get any kind of justice only makes it worse. No one should go through that. There’s no excuse for what that man did to you. You’ve suffered for a long time. Now you’re coming out of your pain and thinking about having a family. Which is great, but what you’re not dealing with are the rest of the consequences.”
Charlie didn’t want to hear any of this. She wanted to get up, toss her coffee cup into the trash and stalk out. Which would make excellent TV, but this was her life. Dakota was a friend. She was also a trained psychologist. Charlie should probably listen to her. Even if every word made her uncomfortable, like being trapped in a small, dark box.
“Go on,” she said softly.
“If you didn’t want to be with a man because you’d given relationships several tries and they weren’t for you, then fine. But you’re avoiding men because you’re afraid. Afraid of trust, afraid of intimacy, both physical and emotional. You keep people you fear at bay by intimidating them. You’re one of the strongest women I know, Charlie, and one of the weakest. To simply cut off a piece of yourself out of fear isn’t who you are.”
Charlie curled her hands into fists. She told herself to keep breathing, that she would get through this conversation and then she could smash something.
“You need to get this fixed before you bring a child into your life,” Dakota told her. “That doesn’t mean you have to have a man around. I think you’d be a great single mom. But you do have to heal the wound. Otherwise, you won’t be able to teach a baby all the lessons you need to. Being a parent is hard enough. We’re all flawed. But you want to start from the best position you can and right now you’re not there.”
Dakota’s gaze never left hers. “I want the best for you. I want you to beat this.”
“I don’t like it,” Charlie told her, fighting faint nausea and more than a little shame. “I don’t like it a lot.”
Dakota waited.
Charlie rubbed her face then nodded once. “Okay. Maybe you’re right. Maybe this is a problem. The guy thing.”
Dakota’s mouth curved into a smile. “Just maybe? Do you know how many degrees I have?”
Charlie grinned. “Yeah, yeah, book smart. I know.” Her humor faded and she leaned forward. “I don’t know how to fix it. I’m not a therapy kind of person. I’m too impatient. I don’t want to talk about my feelings.”
“There are different kinds of therapy. Not all of them require you to talk about your childhood. I could help you find a trauma specialist who would only focus on the rape itself. When it happened, no one believed you. So you not only have to process the damage done by the physical act, but also the betrayal of those you should have been able to trust.”
Charlie wasn’t in the mood to process anything. “Can I just have sex with a guy and call it a day?”
“Would that make you feel healed?”
“Since I haven’t wanted to since, then yeah. That wouldn’t hurt.” Honestly, she couldn’t imagine trusting anyone enough to do that. Nor could she picture herself wanting to.
“Then sex is a great place to start. Any candidates?”
“No. Men aren’t my thing.”
“It doesn’t have to be a man.”
Charlie stared at her. “Ah, no. I didn’t mean it that way. Given the choice, I’ll go with a man.”
Dakota looked amused. “Just checking. Because whatever works.”
“You’re incredibly weird. You know that, right.”
“I can live with my idiosyncrasies.”
“And I should learn to live with mine,” Charlie said. “I’ll admit I don’t like what you’re saying, but in my gut, it feels right. So I’ll listen.”
“Let me know if you want my help in finding a therapist. I know a few who specialize in trauma. You’d have to go to Sacramento for sessions, but it shouldn’t take very many.”
“I’m not sure which would be worse. Therapy or sex.”
Dakota grinned. “Which is part of the problem. For most people, sex with a great guy would be the preference.”
“I guess.” She looked at her friend. “Thanks for being brave enough to take me on.”
“I’m here for you. I can also help you find a guy, if you’d like.”
“Ah, no, thanks. Great offer, but I think I should humiliate myself in private.”
Dakota tilted her head. “Why would there be humiliation?”
Charlie shook her head. “Now you’re going all therapist on me. Change of topic. How are the kids?”
“You’re trying to distract me.”
“Yes, and you’re going to let it work, because you love me.”
Dakota laughed. “You’re going to be the best mom. Seriously. Get this fixed, Charlie, because you have babies just waiting to come into your life.”
Charlie hoped she was right. The road to healing wasn’t going to be much fun, though. Therapy or a man? Honest to God, she couldn’t figure which road offered the least pain. With a man, she wouldn’t have to haul her ass to another town. With therapy she wouldn’t have to have sex. Of course it was possible her therapist would tell her to start dating, which meant the worst of both worlds.
She would get it figured out, she promised herself. Because she was ready to be part of a family.
* * *
ANNABELLE LEANED AGAINST Khatar. “For us to take our relationship to the next level, you’re going to have to be supportive of reality TV. There’s no other way around it.”
The horse rubbed the side of his face against her arm, as if nodding.
“Really?” she asked. “You wouldn’t mind a Project Runway marathon? Or a night of America’s Next Top Model?”
“Does he ever answer?”
Annabelle looked up and saw Clay standing by the fence. He was still the most incredibly good-looking man she’d ever seen, but she was getting used to having him around. Not that she had any interest in the man. For her the world had been reduced to a single man she couldn’t get off her mind.
“Sometimes,” she said with a grin. “I speak fluent horse.”
“There’s a talent.” Clay eyed the stallion. “I heard he was mean.”“I did, too, but it’s silliness. Khatar is a sweetie.”
“He tried to kill a guy.”
Annabelle rubbed behind his ears. “I refuse to believe that.”
“Maybe Shane started the rumor to get the horse’s price down.”
She laughed. “I doubt he would do that.”
Clay studied her. “So you’re one of those, are you?”
“One of what?”
“A woman who thinks my brother has principles.”
“Are you saying he doesn’t?”
“No. I’m messing with you. Shane’s a good guy.”
Which was an opening to a conversation she’d wanted to have with someone. Maybe Clay would help her out.
She walked toward him. Khatar followed.
“Can I ask you something?”
Clay put one foot on a railing and studied her. “Am I going to like the question?”
“I don’t know.”
He shrugged. “Go ahead.”
“Am I like the infamous Rachel?”
Clay’s perfect mouth twisted. “If you are, you need to get the hell out of my brother’s life.” He swore under his breath. “Has she been around?”
“Not that I know of. I’m sorry to bring her up. It’s just she seems like a constant presence in Shane’s life. He’s judging me by her.” She leaned against Khatar. “The first time Shane saw me, I was dancing on a bar. I wasn’t drunk.” She explained about the dance of the happy virgin. “I guess because of his ex, it made him wary. I want to know what she and I have in common.”
“From what I’ve heard, almost nothing. Rachel…” He rested his forearms against the top railing. “Rachel lived big. She was always going and doing. Pretty enough, I suppose. But she knew how to attract men. All men.” He looked at her. “Rachel wasn’t happy unless every guy in the room wanted her.”
Annabelle swallowed, wondering if maybe she’d started down a path she didn’t want to follow. “I’d heard she cheated on Shane.”
“She didn’t just cheat. If a guy wasn’t paying enough attention to her, she came on to him. She needed to be the center of attention in every situation. She claimed to love Shane, but I don’t think she has a clue what love is.”
Annabelle bit her lower lip. “Did she ever come on to you?”
Clay’s look was hard. “More than once. Rafe, too. We didn’t know what to do. Did we tell him? Did we ignore it? We had no idea if he wanted to know or not. He tried to make the marriage work, but finally figured out it was a lost cause. So he left. She came after him. They got back together. It was a cycle that continued for a few months until he was finally done.”
She thought about her first marriage, about what had gone wrong. Lewis had a lot of culpability, but she’d been looking for more than any husband should have to provide. They were both at fault. It sounded like Shane had been trapped in a situation he would never win.
“Shane’s biggest problem is that he’s a man of his word,” Clay told her. “He wasn’t willing to think the worst of his wife. I would have dumped her the first time she cheated. But he’s loyal and didn’t want to give up on the marriage.”
“He’s a good guy.”
“He is. Which leaves me in the uncomfortable position of wondering if I should ask your intentions.” He grinned. “There’s something I never thought I would say. But he’s family, you know?”
She didn’t know. She’d heard. She’d seen other families. On a personal level, she’d always wanted to belong. She’d wanted it so much, she’d pretended to see characteristics in Lewis that weren’t there.
She looked at Clay. “You sure you want to know?” she asked.
“I can take it.”
She waited for a second, letting the truth wash through her. She’d been avoiding it for a while now, but there was no escaping reality.
“I love him.”
Clay grinned. “That’s putting it on the line. Does he know?”
“I haven’t told him.”
Clay held up both hands. “Don’t think I’m gonna do it.”
“I didn’t. That would be very strange coming from his brother.”
Clay put his hands back on the railing. “He might be a bit of a jackass about the whole thing. Because of Rachel.”
“I’ve already seen hints.”
“Don’t give up on him.”
“I won’t.”
Because she’d finally found where she belonged. Now all she had to do was convince Shane that she was worth a second chance.
* * *
SHANE HEADED TOWARD the house to wash for dinner. He was sorry he hadn’t said he was heading into town. He hadn’t seen Annabelle in a couple of days and found himself wanting to see her and talk to her. He should have asked her out to dinner.
Which he could right now for tomorrow, he thought as he grabbed his cell phone. Just then the alert signal chirped, telling him he had a text message. He pushed the button and read, then grinned.
Miss you. Want to come over tonight?
He quickly texted back, Absolutely. Say when and I’ll be there.
7:30 okay?
Perfect. See you then.
He walked into the house grinning.
Two hours later he parked in front of her house. He’d showered and changed. On a whim, he’d stopped by a florist shop on the main street and picked up a bouquet of roses. Hokey, maybe, but still a classic choice. He’d gone with pink rather than red, to keep things light.
She opened the door before he had a chance to knock. She was wearing one of her strappy summer dresses and no shoes. Which meant she barely came to his shoulders. Her hair was long and loose, all curls. Her toes were a bright pink. She was walking, breathing sex and the second he saw her, he wanted her with the desperation of a man who’d spent the past twenty years alone on a desert island.
“For me?” she asked, smiling up at him. “Thank you. Wow. That’s unexpected. But lovely.”
Barely able to control his need, he handed her the flowers. She took them, breathed in the scent, then drew him inside and shut the door.