I didn’t know how to fully explain my actions. “I was curious to see what the public was being told.” I was so ashamed my words were barely audible. “I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.”
“What else do you need to know? This is our life, right here! It’s happening right now! I am standing in this room with you. I’m not out there in those pictures. I don’t give a damn what the public is being told!”
“What if the situation was reversed and the magazines were printing stories that I’m some whore who’s screwing three different guys at once.
You don’t think that would concern you?” I asked.
“But you’re not! And I certainly am not doing what they accuse me of. I have no control over what trash they print.”
“Yes, you do.” I thought about several ways he could get the point across to the world that he was a one-woman kind of man, that he in fact was currently involved with just one woman, but he’d have to make that move on his own.
“How?” Ryan barked.
I chickened out and bit my tongue. “I thought you had a publicist?” I stated calmly.
He scoffed. “If all those Seaside fans want to fantasize that I’m actually living the shit that’s filmed, that me and Suzanne are some star-crossed lovers, what am I supposed to do about it? Put out a public statement that they’re all deluded?” He threw his hands up in the air.
“And that picture of me and that girl from New York, that little picture is going to still pop up years from now. Those trash magazines are going to say that I’m cheating on you with her one day!”
He took a deep breath. “You have to realize that some of that shit is printed specifically to generate public reaction. They will post pictures of me and Suzanne just to keep the public interested in the film. They will print shit just to keep my career controversial and fresh. I may be asked to do stuff that might upset you just to pique public interest. It’s all part of the game.”
He sat down on the bed, facing me. “Honey, our relationship has to be built on trust. That stuff is just going to tear it down.”
I looked down at my hands. He was right; my behavior was incorrigible but I wasn’t alone there.
He took my hand and pressed it to his chest. “This… this is real.”
“So if your PR team asks you to screw some actress to pique public interest, is that what you’re willing do to keep your career controversial? I just want to be clear on how far you’re willing to go.”
His tone was angry and sarcastic. “Yes, Taryn. I’m going to throw away our relationship, forget that I’m in love with you, and screw every woman that throws her legs up in the air. Is that what you want to hear? Is that what you need to believe that I truly am? Just like your ex-fiancé? That I’m no different from every other asshole who has ever cheated on you?”
I looked away and winced from the sting of his words. That was a low blow but in a way I deserved it. Pain cracked in my chest and the tears of shame formed in my eyes.
He stood up from the bed and knelt down on the floor in front of me.
“I’m not them, Tar. I don’t know what else to do to make you have faith in me. Why don’t you trust me?”
“I do trust you,” I muttered, wiping the tear from my cheek. “This whole conversation has nothing to do with trust. There are just so many other influences out there. It’s hard to keep up with it all.” I looked him in the eyes.
“Ryan, your life is public. I want to know what’s being said about you. I want to protect you from all the daggers that are flying in your direction.
Shield you from the lies.” I picked a tissue out of the box on the nightstand and wiped my face.
“You can’t protect me from it - you’re way outnumbered,” he said, defeated.
I took a deep breath. “It’s more than that. The other reason I look is, sometimes I feel like I’m living with two people… the man I’m in love with and some other guy I barely know. The photo shoots, premiers, public appearances, magazine spreads, interviews, all of that is in here too.” I pressed my hand back on his chest. “I look so I can understand it all; so I can be connected and in love with all of you.”
Ryan rubbed his face and sighed. “I didn’t see it that way. I’m sorry I yelled at you,” he whispered, staring solemnly into my eyes.
I sniffed back my tears and acknowledged his apology with a nod.
“I don’t want your mind to get clouded with the lies, Taryn. That’s all.” He picked up my hand, wrapping it in his. “It’s so easy for fabricated stories to appear believable. They even merge pictures and try to pass them off as real.”