He was a stranger to me at that moment.
I stood up to match his pissed-off stance. I was so done. “I’m going to ask you one more time to explain things to me, or at least tell me a hint, a tiny morsel of what you’re going through. If not, then…” I shrugged.
He grabbed my arm. “Then what?”
I snatched it away aggressively. “Then we are done, Tudor.”
I saw the horrified expression on his face; I didn't let it stop me in my tirade. “I have been so bloody stupid. People must be having a great laugh at my idiocy! Actually, scratch that – they wouldn’t be, would they? Because nobody knows about us, I’m your dirty little secret! I mean, we got very serious way too quick with a freakin’ raincloud of secrets hanging over us every step of the way. I’ve acted like a hormonally-charged teenager and let my attraction for you outweigh what this relationship should be, you know, an adult one built on honesty and trust. But I have had enough. I knew deep down that I wouldn’t be able to live with not sharing everything with you, or rather you with me, but I tried because of how much you mean to me. I want to give you one last chance to tell me what is going on, to salvage this, us, to put your faith in me once and for all.”
His face was as white as a sheet. He was shaking his head profusely. “You don’t mean it.”
I released an angry breath. “Yes I do, and enough is enough. I’m a good person, I should be in a good relationship. I want total honesty. Now, tell me what’s going. Please.”
He put his hands on the back of his head, squeezing his eyes shut. “I can’t, Sunshine.” And, just like that, my emotional cord to Tudor was severed, setting us both free.
I felt the water spill from my eyes but welcomed it; at least now I knew where I stood. I walked back to the kitchen, placed my empty glass down and then made my way to my bedroom. I brought out the few clothes he had left in my room, his scarf from under the pillow included, and walked slowly back towards him, holding out his possessions for him to take.
“Tash, don’t,” he begged. He pushed the scarf back at me, pleading me with his gaze to stop.
“Goodbye, Tudor. It has to be this way, I can’t keep doing this.”
He shook his head, not accepting the situation, reached for me and smashed his lips down to mine, gripping my hair in his fists, willing me to feel his kiss, his love.
I didn’t respond. Couldn’t respond.
He drew his head back. “Kiss me, Tash.”
He tried again, clutching me tighter. I still didn’t reciprocate the kiss, my lips tight and still against his probing tongue. It was the hardest thing I had ever done.
He staggered and whispered. “Are you serious? Are you really done with me?” Oh God, he sounded so broken.
I let my head fall. “I’m done with the secrets, with hiding our relationship – it makes me feel worthless, like you don't trust me. Just let me in and we can be together, properly, and actually give what we have a chance. I feel like we haven’t even moved from the starting blocks. We take one step forward and two steps back. I’m like friggin’ Paula Abdul, without the tap shoes or cute cartoon cat. At the moment, I’m questioning whether I really know the real you at all.”
He held my face in his large hands. “Sunshine, I can’t tell you. But I don’t want to lose you either. Don’t make me choose. I need you. Please.”
I removed his hands one at a time, my voice cracking with distraught emotion. “You already have.”
I kissed the palm on each of his hands and moved back. “Bye, Tudor,” I whispered.
He swallowed and nodded resolutely, finally accepting my decision. “Goodbye, my Sunshine,” he said breathlessly, choking on his words as he slowly edged towards the door but not before he swerved back. “I wish we could have had a real chance at this, it’s just real f**ked-up timing I guess. For a while there, I thought I had finally found my soul mate. Actually, I still do and I can't believe that I've just f**king lost her.”
And then he left, clicking the door shut. I moved numbly to my bedroom and robotically packed to go home, trying not to trawl through my memory bank of Tudor – my bed, my bath, my heart. I took a scalding shower and, like a zombie, put myself to bed.
Later that night, I heard my bedroom door creek open and my best friend climbed into my bed and held me tight without saying a word. He let me cry on his shoulder until there were no more tears left to be shed.
* * *
'Earlier in the week, we received a photo showing what most believed was Tudor North with his new love, but boy, we couldn’t have been more wrong. Tudor’s people confirmed to us that the girl in question is just a girlfriend of a friend and that his on/off relationship with Raquel Banks is, at the moment, very much on. Raquel spoke to reporter Ted Smith today,