I shook my head, remembering the years I sat on the cellar’s dirt floor, the darkness, the knife, and him as he pushed inside me. And then that night, the screaming… the night my touch hurt my brother, when the evil came out.
Maddie’s hand landed on my cheek causing me to jump back. “No, Flame. Do not go there in your head. Come with me instead. Trust me.” She pressed my hand to her heart. “I am not hurt. Your touch has not hurt me.”
I stared over her shoulder in the direction of the bedroom, and with a clenched jaw, nodded my head. Maddie exhaled a long breath. We got to our feet, then walked to the bedroom door and she pulled me through.
Her hands were shaking as she climbed on the small bed. Maddie shuffled backward until her back pressed against the wall. I followed her to the mattress. Lying on my side, I held Maddie’s stare, chasing down the fucking discomfort at being in this bed.
“Flame,” Maddie called. “Focus on my hand in yours,” she continued, and she linked her fingers through mine. I stared at our hands, when a finger on her free hand lifted and ran over the raised scar on my stomach. “What is this from?” she asked.
I clamped my eyes shut, feeling the rattler’s fangs sinking into my flesh; Pastor Hughes declaring that I was a sinner, that evil ran in my veins because I was slow. Because of how I behaved.
“Flame?” Maddie pushed. I opened my eyes on a gasp.
“The snake,” I croaked, “the snake they put on me at church. The snake that told me I was a sinner. That I had hellfire in my blood.”
“I cannot begin to imagine…” Maddie shook her head.
“And people would scream. They would fall to their knees around me, praying for my soul. Because I was evil. Because I had evil in my blood.”
Maddie shook her head. “They were wrong.”
Maddie inched closer, and with her fingers running up and down my cheek, she stated, “That was why you came to my church that day? You feared they were hurting me, as you have been hurt?”
My eyebrows pulled down. I didn’t understand. “They don’t do that at your church?” I searched Maddie’s eyes for lies.
“No,” she said quietly, “at this church they do not touch me. Only at…” she took a deep breath, “only at The Order did they cause me pain. But this church is better. I sit at a statue and listen to music coming from the choir. I am not harmed. I am left alone.”
I shook my head, every muscle tensing at her words. “I don’t understand. Church is where you get hurt.”
Maddie shook her head. “No, Flame. I believe that your church, and the commune, were different. They hurt us. But most do not.” My eyebrows pulled down when Maddie laughed a humorless laugh. “Truth is, Flame, I do not even believe in God anymore. At least, I do not think I do. Too much has happened to me in my life for me to believe that an all-powerful being is out there watching over me, protecting me. I have lost my faith. But I went to church as a reprieve to the suffocating solitude of my room at Mae’s house.” Her big green eyes held mine, and she admitted, “You were gone for weeks. Gone from below my bedroom window and I could not cope. You had become the center of my world. You were my day and night as you paced beneath my room. But then you got shot and disappeared from my life. I did not know what to do. So I joined Lilah and Mae at church. I tried to pray for your return, but every day I lost faith when I came home to find you were not watching over me. So I kept going. I went there to listen to the music. To sit and watch people living their lives, while I simply existed in the shadows.”
Maddie pulled my hand to her face and she tucked it under her warm cheek. “Until the day I heard you shouting my name from outside. And you were back. My sun, my light. You were back.” Maddie’s lip hooked up in the corner. “And here we are now. Touching. Together.”
My heart felt like it was filling my chest. Then she said, “But I must go to church tomorrow, for Sarai,” and it fucking smashed.
“No,” I bit out, ice ripping through my veins. “You’re not going back there. I can’t go in those fucking places. I can’t protect you.”
“There is nothing to protect me from, Flame. I am accompanying Mae and Lilah, to show Sarai there is more to faith than what we knew at The Order. I understand what she is feeling. She is so young and fearful. And she is most like me in disposition—quiet and withdrawn. I feel I must go.”
Maddie’s finger lifted to circle the flame tattoos on my chest and she said, “I promise you that I will not be hurt. I will only be there for a few hours, then I will return home.” She paused and then whispered, “I will return home to… you… to this cabin… and I shall never return to that place. Because you have returned. You are my faith awakened.”