At this moment, I wished I had perished in the pyre, for this feeling right now was worse than any burn on my skin… any scar on my back.
Devastation swept through me and the last shred of hope I had flickered out like a candle. All I had ever been was a temptress.
Do as I say, my little Rapunzel. Lift that head so I can gaze upon your beautiful face, those sparkling eyes…
No! No, no, no, I thought as cold tears came thick and fast.
You have seen the pictures in my coloring book. Prophet David wants us to be closer to each other. And you are so beautiful, Rebekah… so tempting. I want to touch you like the boy touches the girl in the picture.
And my father, my own father…
She has tempted me. I have… I have sinned with her, Brother Luke. I have done things in moments of weakness…
And Ky, my Ky…
Babe, from the minute you crawled outta that cell all those weeks ago, I was gone. Gone for your beautiful fuckin’ face, your killer fuckin’ frame, those eyes, those lips… Shit, I remember seeing you next to Mae all scared and shit, and like a fuckin’ bolt of lightning, I was struck.
It was false… our love, all false…
Fuck, Li, what the hell are you doing to me?
What the hell are you doing to me?
I kept my eyes focused on the ceiling, breathing… just breathing. But it was no good. I must cleanse. My skin was crawling with impurity and sin. I must cleanse… I MUST CLEANSE…
Lifting back the linen that covered me, I placed my feet on the wooden floor, clenching my jaw as I bent. Using the bedside table for balance, I slowly walked to the washroom, flicking on the dull light as I entered.
Wincing as I walked to the shower, I reached the stall and turned the knob for the water, making sure the temperature was scalding… I was so cold…
Stepping into the shower, I relished the feel of the water stinging my stitched lashes, the red, raw cross burned on my stomach. Pain was the only feeling I had left.
Fifteen minutes later, I stepped out of the cleansing water, once again feeling tainted and dirty as the air kissed my skin. Billowing steam fogged the bathroom. Dripping wet from the shower, not caring to cover my naked form, I staggered to the vanity and froze, staring unseeing at the misty mirror.
A numbness enveloped me, paralyzing my every move.
Everything that had happened over the last few months had completely shattered me. It haunted me, made me question my previously unshakeable faith, and revealed me for what I was—a whore, a temptress, a woman unable to ever be at one with God. A woman who, from birth, was a product of the devil, a masterpiece creation, sculpted to perfection by the stained claws of Satan.
Lifting a trembling hand, I frantically wiped the damp mirror until my sinful reflection rippled into view. I stared at the girl in the glass, my lip curled in disgust. She was beautiful: flawless golden skin, long blond hair, cornflower-blue eyes… a most impressive disguise. The creation of utmost evil.
Every strand of platinum hair was laced with sin, each fleck of sapphire in her eyes alight with immorality, and every blush on her cheeks bloomed with ungodliness.
Men flocked to her side whenever she was near, lured by Satan’s elusive trap. They wanted to take her, to join with her in the most carnal fashion, driven insane by the seduction of her curved body, her large breasts, and her sumptuous pink mouth.
All rational thoughts evaporated from their minds with just one look. Only one course remained that drove their lust into action: an insatiable desire to be with her. Like moths to a flame, they basked in her beauty, and all the time the devil rejoiced from within her, collecting one more soul to burn in hell for all eternity.
Prophet David’s prophesied words swirled through my mind, tormenting me, crushing my soul:
“Beware of the Cursed. One look in their soulless eyes and you will be trapped in lust. One touch of their mouths on your flesh and you will thirst for their bodies with an insatiable and sinful carnal need. Their seductive intent will bewitch you, trap you to do their damnable bidding, then drag you down to the brimstone where you shall burn eternally.
“No man can truly love a Cursed woman of Eve. And no woman of Eve will ever have the love of a pure soul.”
As I blinked away tears and tore my gaze from that girl, that Cursed woman of Eve of whom Prophet David preached, the realization struck me. It will always be this way. I would not be saved by the Lord—no matter how hard I tried. I would never reach my goal of salvation. Perhaps the only way to be saved was to face the devil head-on? I would not, could not, be saved until men stopped setting aside their righteousness and had no urge to take me…