It was no use.
They flowed thick and strong, melding with the pelting rain.
My bones ached with coldness, but regardless, I reached into my jacket and pulled out the small notebook and pen. Sheltering against the wall, with the blanket over my head to protect the paper from getting wet, I opened the page and let my words spill forth.
These words were all I had.
They were my peace.
They were my voice.
As the dark clouds rolled above, hiding the rising moonshine, I pressed pen to paper and let my thoughts pour:
Light devoid, no silver-hued moon,
Shadows claim my soul too soon.
With silence strong, I’m left alone,
With aching bones and heart forlorn.
The cold seeps in, an evil embrace,
My only warmth: her face.
Her face.
Chapter Three
Levi
I pressed ‘save’ on the Word document just as a knock rapped on my pool house door. A smile pulled on my lips when I knew who it would be.
“Come in!” I called out.
In seconds the door opened and Axel walked in. My older brother was dressed all in black—black shirt, jeans and boots—his long dark hair was pulled back in the topknot he always wore and his tattoos covered every inch of his skin. He’d only been gone for nine months but, having only had him back in my life for a short time before that, it felt like I hadn’t seen him in a lifetime.
As soon as Axel laid eyes on me, his lip hooked into a smirk and he flicked his chin. “Get the fuck here, kid.”
Rushing across the room, I smashed myself into his broad chest. Axel’s arms wrapped around my back and he kissed the top of my head.
“Fucking missed you, kid,” Axel rasped out.
“I missed you too, Axe.”
Axel pushed me back, his eyes checking me over. “You doing good?” His eyes drifted to the desk I was always at. I saw a wash of pride fill his face. “You still sticking in at school?”Ducking my head, I put my hands in my pocket. “Yeah.”
“Still top of your class?”
I could feel my face heat, but I nodded my head and quietly replied, “Yeah.”
Axel’s smile under his dark bearded face was blinding. He hooked his arm around my neck and kissed my head again. “Proud of you, kid. So fucking proud.”
Warmth filled my chest, and I stepped back. “How was the tour?”
Axel shrugged like the world tour of his sculpture exhibition was nothing of importance. “Bene.” Axel’s eyes dropped and he stared at the floor. Clearing his throat, he managed to say, “Went to Florence last week, it was the end of the exhibition. Got to go to the Ponte Vecchio, kid. Got to see where Mamma’s ashes were scattered.” His voice caught, but he pushed out, “Got to finally say goodbye.”
My throat burned as I listened to my brother speak, but I couldn’t say anything in response. Our silence became deafening, until I heard myself soothe, “Then she’ll finally be at rest, Axe. She’ll know you’ve changed your life and done her—done all of us—proud.”
Lifting my eyes, I saw Austin had walked in to my pool house and he had his arm slung over Axel’s shoulders, keeping him close. Axel discreetly wiped at his eyes and Austin reached out and grabbed my shirt. Pulling me in, he wrapped his arm around me too and said, “The fucking Carillos back together again!”
I felt Axel’s hand cup the nape of my neck. It was the first time since Axel had left to go on tour that I felt almost complete.
Almost. There was always the hole that gaped open in my heart. The one I had no damn idea how to seal.
We stayed that way for a couple of seconds, then Austin stepped back. “You ready to eat?”
“Yeah,” Axel replied, and keeping his hand on my neck, he guided us to the outdoor covered terrace where the heaters underneath were burning bright.
“Levi!” A female voice excitedly called my name, and I heard Axel laugh beside me.
“Watch out, kid. She’s fucking missed you something fierce and y’all about to know it.”
Ally Prince came running over the lawn, all smiles, her long brown hair blowing in the wind. I lifted my hand and waved, but as soon as Ally reached me, she threw her arms around me and squeezed me tight. “Levi,” she breathed. “We’ve missed you, darlin’.”
I squeezed her back and couldn’t help but smile. “I’ve missed you too, Al.”
“Mia luce, leave the kid alone and get your ass here,” Axel shouted from his seat.
Ally rolled her eyes. “Always rough around the edges.” But she walked over to my brother and sat on his lap regardless. Axel’s thick tattooed arms immediately wrapped around her waist. Austin sat next to Lexi, taking Dante from her hands to hold him in his arms. Molly and Rome were sat on their own couch, hands intertwined with their daughter, Taylor, on Rome’s knee.
Rome nodded his head at me, and motioned for me to sit on the single chair beside them. Molly was all smiles as I approached, and when I sat down, she leaned over to kiss me on my cheek.
“So Axe, Ally, it’s fucking good to have y’all back,” Austin said and Ally squeezed Axel tighter. Rome handed me a beer, and screwing the top off, I sat back and listened to Ally start to tell us about the tour. I listened and drank my beer. I ate the steak that Austin had grilled while the conversation continued, but I never spoke.
A hand hit my leg, and when I looked up from staring in a daze at the floor, Austin, Axel and Rome were sitting around me. The women and babies of our family had clearly gone inside. Axel’s hand squeezed my knee as he sat back in his chair.
He didn’t say anything, just watched me. I knew he was concerned. Axel and Austin were always concerned about me. I knew it was because I was real quiet, that I wasn’t like them, but I couldn’t be any other way. This was me. I just didn’t speak much. I think it unnerved them how different I was.
Dropping my gaze again, I began tearing at the label of my beer, when Rome asked, “No parties tonight, Lev? It’s Saturday night; you telling me Washington ain’t like every other school in the country?”
I met Rome’s eyes and he was smiling at me. Rome nudged Austin and said, “Don’t think there was a Saturday we didn’t have one of our frat brothers throwing something at our house, hey, eighty-three? Any fucking excuse for beer and pussy.”