“But then I saw your face. Watched you flinch when the whip met skin. You weren’t in tune with him at all. You were detached, not just to your partner but to the world. I should have walked away then because I know that look. I am that look. I don’t have it in me to try to save you, so no, I don’t want to tell your future and I wasn’t waiting for you. I should have just walked away. It was my mistake.”
Ben’s hands shook. His jaw hurt from biting down so tightly. He didn’t want to be saved. Didn’t need to be saved.
“I should have known better.” Dante reached out and ran a finger down the side of Ben’s face—forehead to chin, tracing the line of his jaw. “You’re a beautiful man, and I was distracted by that. Or maybe I thought it would help—finding someone who looked the way I feel but it won’t. Just the way I told you that you’re looking to self-destruct, together, we would do the same.”
Ben jerked his head backward and Dante stood. He was a good inch taller than Ben when not many people were.
“It’s a shame. I think I would have liked to show you how much you’d enjoy being fucked.”
Ben didn’t turn, didn’t watch as Dante walked out of the diner.
CHAPTER NINE
Ben sat in the diner, drinking coffee all night. From there he went home to change before going to the gym.
His body was dead. His brain turned off but the ache in his muscles helped him forget everything else. Helped to dull the voices in his screaming brain. The more his body hurt, the better. He let himself hurt for Bonnie. For Tristan. Maybe even for his family.
Four months. It had been four months since Javier. A month since he’d spoken to Tristan and he worked out harder, letting himself hurt for wanting to call him.
Tristan was happy, in love with two men, and yet Ben couldn’t fucking let him go. It was one of the many reasons he hated himself.
He wiped the sweat from his forehead with a towel before pushing off the bench press. The noise of the city rivaled that in his head, as Ben stepped into the sidewalk.
“Ben?”
He looked up to see Jeremiah, a fellow attorney he was friendly with.
“Hey, Ben. How are you doing?”
Ben heard it, the concern in Jeremiah’s voice. Did he not look like himself? He wouldn’t be surprised. He didn’t feel like himself. All he could manage to say was, “Hey.”
“I haven’t seen you since you started your leave of absence.” Jeremiah’s voice sounded far off and as though it was drifting farther and father away. Ben shook his head to try to clear it.
“Hey, are you okay?” Jeremiah asked. “You look like you’re about to pass out on me.” He reached for Ben’s arm but Ben pulled back, doing his best to school his features.
“Yes. I’m fine. Sorry. I didn’t get much sleep last night and I think it’s catching up with me. Not sure the workout helped the situation.”
“Last night? You look like you haven’t slept in about a week, buddy. My car is here. How about I give you a ride home.”
Ben shook him off. He didn’t need the pity. “I’m fine.”
“It would be okay if you weren’t. We all understand your need for a break. What you went through...”
“I’m fine,” Ben bit out. He wouldn’t let the situation with Javier be his excuse. He didn’t need one.
“Yeah...okay. Whatever you say. How about some food? We can catch up. You can buy me lunch.” Jeremiah was playing him. Ben heard it in each of his words. He didn’t think Ben was fine at all. Hell, maybe he wasn’t but he also didn’t need someone to baby him.
But then...when was the last time he’d eaten?
Ben leaned against the side of the building. “No, thank you. I actually have an appointment soon. I need to get home to get cleaned up first. I’m considering going back to work soon. I miss the fight.”
Dante was right. Ben was a good liar; he wasn’t considering going back. He knew his head was too fucked up for work.
“Yeah? Good for you. You were always one of the best. I’m creeping up on you though. Did you hear I’m partnering with Shepherd and Dunn?” He gave Ben a cocky grin.
Christ, he hadn’t heard that. “I did. You don’t think I’m not paying attention to what’s going on, do you?”
“Not for a second,” Jeremiah laughed. “Not Ben Worthington.”
Ben faked a laugh this time. He didn’t feel it at all. This was a big step for Jeremiah—partnering with Shepherd and Dunn. They’d be a powerhouse. He struggled to decide if that mattered to him or not.