He wanted it to mark him. To rub him raw so he would feel Dante even when they weren’t touching anymore.
“I want to give us that night back. The last night. The way it should have been.”
Ben led Dante to his room. They stripped each other out of their clothes. Ben kissed Dante’s collarbone, licked and kissed his neck.
Dante did the same to him.
And then they climbed into Ben’s bed, and wrapped themselves around each other, silent for a long stretch.
“I’m getting my head on straight. It’s a process but I’m getting there. I don’t need you, but I want you.”
Dante groaned the sexiest fucking groan he’d ever heard. “I don’t need you but I want you, too.”
It was important that they had this time, that they learned to be responsible for themselves, rather than making the other responsible for them.
“We get to learn each other, get to know each other in ways we didn’t before,” Dante said, warm breath against Ben’s cheek.
For one of the first times, Ben let himself be vulnerable with Dante. Not from an unhealthy standpoint like it had been before, but real. “What if it’s not the same?” It was something they had to face. Maybe they were different people now. Maybe they wouldn’t be able to give each other what they needed anymore.
“It’ll be better,” Dante assured him, and somehow, someway, he knew Dante was right. Just like he’d felt the connection when they first met. Or how he’d let Dante in without planning it, he put his faith out there, his trust, and Ben believed him.
They wouldn’t have sex tonight. Ben couldn’t. Hell, Dante probably wouldn’t either. Not after where they’d been. It had to come from somewhere else now, their relationship and not on Ben’s need to have it all wiped away with sex.
That would never work.
And more than anything, he wanted them to work.
CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT
Ben and Dante dated. Really dated. It was the first time Ben had had a boyfriend like this.
Dante moved to California. Luckily, he could work from anywhere. They went out to coffee and dinner. They watched Dante’s cheesy horror movies.
Ben took Dante to art galleries. They visited with Tristan, Josiah and Mateo.
They had a life together.
They weren’t having sex, but they had more than that now. Too much had been tied up in sex for them before, and neither of them wanted to risk it again.
Sex couldn’t save Ben. He’d learned that.
He still saw Elliot twice a week. Dante’s parents were planning a visit to California to meet him.
For the first time in his life, Ben felt like he had almost everything.
There was only one piece of his life he wanted back, and three months after Dante moved here, he knew he was ready for it.
Dante opened the door to Ben’s apartment. Though he didn’t live here, he had his own key. Ben sat at the kitchen table, waiting for him.
He didn’t move, continued to sit in the chair as Dante cocked his head at him. He could tell something was different, Ben saw it in Dante’s eyes. His lover walked over to him, and stood in front of Ben.
“I’m in love with you.” Ben held Dante’s eyes as he spoke. “I love you like I’ve never loved anyone. I love you in a way I was too unhealthy to love before.”
Dante dropped down to his knees, kneeling in front of Ben...and smiled. A real smile on his full lips. “I’m in love with you. I love you like I’ve never loved anyone. I love you in a way I was too unhealthy to love before.”
It was true for both of them. They both had other men in their lives who’d meant something to them, but this? This was different. It came from a different place. It was all honesty, strength, and love.
Ben’s eyes diverted to the ground. “Will you make love to me?”
Make love. Not fuck.
And he still asked, asked because even though Ben didn’t use sex the way he did before, he still wanted this part of them to be the same. And that was okay. If it came from a healthy place, it was okay for him to crave Dante’s control over him.
He trusted Dante...and Dante trusted him.
As always, Dante read Ben. He didn’t give a yes or no answer but stood, and took a step backward before ordering, “Lead me to the bedroom.”
That was all it took for Ben’s erection to swell behind his zipper. Dante always got him harder than anyone in his life.
Ben stood and walked to his room. Dante was right behind him. Ben stopped in front of the bed, unsure where Dante would want him to go, or what he would want him to do.