Man, this doctor is the shit. He’s managed to verify Olivia’s fears but put it in terms that are relatable and positive. Olivia even lets out a gust of breath over her lips that I recognize as a relieved sigh. I lean over and put my arm around her shoulders, pulling her over to me so I can kiss her temple.
“You got this, baby. I just know it.”
Olivia nods and whispers, “Yeah…I got this.”
Chapter 26
Olivia
I unlock the back door of Fleurish and walk in, hanging the delivery van keys on the wall hook just below the alarm panel. Our delivery guy is out sick today, so I made the midday runs for Stevie, leaving him and Garrett at the shop to continue their incessant talking about my cancer.
After my appointment with Dr. Yoffman, Garrett tagged along with me to work, knowing that Stevie wouldn’t care, because he’s enamored with Garrett. Which was fine. It’s never a hardship to have Garrett around me.
But when we got to the shop, Stevie wanted the lowdown on how the appointment went, and Garrett jumped right in with a dissertation on everything Dr. Yoffman said. Then they started in on speculating and postulating, making plans on who would cover my next treatment cycle and arguing over who would go with me to the next bone-marrow biopsy. Garrett even suggested they duke it out with rock, paper, scissors, and I knew that was my cue to leave.
It was enough to drive any woman insane, so I gladly grabbed the delivery van keys and hauled my ass out of there.
I can hear them both in the back area, talking quietly, and I pray they’ve moved on to something more interesting than my cancer. As I walk down the hallway, I get a peek into the design room and see Garrett sitting next to Stevie while he works on an arrangement. Garrett is leaning one hip on a stool, his elbow resting on the worktable. He looks so damn gorgeous, he steals my breath away. I suppress a giggle as I watch him reach out, pushing a piece of greenery down into the foam base, and Stevie slaps at his hand.
“Lay off my masterpiece,” Stevie snarls.
“It looked odd, sticking out too far,” Garrett smoothly replies.
“Whatever! You know nothing about this stuff.”I stop my progress and just watch them for a bit. They’ve become good friends these last few months, bonding over their concern for me. I know Stevie has a bit of a crush on Garrett and shamelessly flirts with him. This used to embarrass Garrett at first, but now he gives it back as good as he gets sometimes, causing Stevie’s cheeks to pinken on rare occasions.
“So how do you think Olivia’s truly doing with all of this?” Stevie asks quietly as he pokes some lavender roses down into the arrangement.
“She’s a trouper,” Garrett says proudly. “She’s handled all of this with such grace…strength. She’s an amazing woman, and I’m lucky to have her.”
My heart swells on hearing that, and I decide to eavesdrop a little more. Hearing Garrett tell me this morning that he loves me has caused quite a stirring of emotions deep within me. The minute the words were out of his mouth, a feeling of both peace and elation swirled through my blood. It wasn’t the first time those words had been handed to me by a human being, but it was the first time that they physically caused a reaction in my body.
I opened my mouth to give the words right back to him, because without a doubt I love him as well. How could I not when he has fulfilled every fantasy about what love should look like? But they wouldn’t come, because a part of me was just a little uneasy over all this, because my life is in such disarray. I still have feelings of guilt that Garrett would commit his life to me like this, when I can’t offer anything but the here and now. The future is too unknown for me to imagine what a permanent relationship with this wonderful man would look like.
“And how are you holding up?” Stevie asks, his voice sympathetic and warm. “Everyone concentrates on Olivia, but I know this is hard for you as well.”
I fully expect Garrett to trivialize his feelings, because while he thinks I’m strong, he’s the one who has been an absolute rock through all this. But to my surprise, his shoulders sag a little and he turns to rest both arms on the table, blowing out a breath of anxiety.
“It’s complicated, Stevie. Every day with her is amazing…discovery without end…” Garrett’s words trail off, leaving something unsaid.
Stevie picks up on it and prompts, “But…?”
“But…it’s terrifying. Knowing that I could lose her to this. Wondering if I’ll lose her to this.”
Stevie’s hands become still and he turns to face Garrett. I can see the sympathy lining his face in profile, and he puts a reassuring hand on Garrett’s shoulder. “I know. It eats at me too.”
“You know the worst part?” Garrett asks Stevie, his face looking miserable. “I’m already envisioning what it would be like if she…if she…died. It’s been plaguing me a lot since Gina’s funeral…watching how destroyed Zack is. If it happens…I know it will destroy me.”
A sharp pain of despair wells up inside me, punches through my chest and turns the blood in my veins to ice. My heart throbs painfully…stabs of guilt pinging ruthlessly. Garrett’s never voiced these fears to me, but how could he? He spends all his time making me feel strong…making sure I stay positive. He’s not about to ever weigh me down with his own doubts.
Love is grand and warm and secure. But love is painful, and my worst fears are confirmed. Garrett’s love for me is causing him hurt…torture…insecurity. And he can’t even share that with me, because he doesn’t want to burden me. He’s carrying it all on his shoulders, along with my illness. I have to wonder, how can he even find anything good in this? How can this be a relationship that will bring him the happiness that a man such as he deserves?