We talk about the game tonight. I was there, Garrett also having secured me a ticket. Alex was spectacular tonight, and he actually surprises me by telling me how pumped and excited he was before the game. It’s an enthusiasm that’s stronger than any I’ve heard before from him, and it gives me the courage to ask, “What happened to the guy who hated playing hockey?”
I’m not teasing him when I ask that question. He knows I’m being serious.
Taking a finger and running it along my jaw, Alex seems deep in thought while he watches the path he’s making. He trails his finger from my chin, down my throat and to the middle of my chest. Tapping a finger lightly against that area where my heart beats the strongest, he says, “I don’t know. I just know that I see things differently.”
“Why?” I ask, almost afraid of his answer. Because while I think I might be a changing factor in his life, even if he doesn’t acknowledge that change will hurt, I know it will.
His gaze leaves his finger, which is still resting against my heart, and moves up to meet mine. “You’re a force, Sutton. I felt it from the moment I laid eyes on you when I walked into the crisis center. You just radiate this—I don’t know what to call it—but it’s like a confidence I’ve never seen before. You have command of your life. You love life. It’s a little intimidating, but it attracts me all the same.”
“Why is that intimidating?” I ask him breathlessly, impatiently waiting for him to reveal more of his soul to me.
Reaching out, he grips my chin with his hand, holding me in place so I can’t look away.
I wouldn’t…not even if a herd of stampeding animals went by.
“Because you turned your life around. You had a shitty start and yet you conquered your past. You used it to give you strength and resilience, and you in turn give others strength and resilience. You made me look at things differently, and apparently I’ve found some joy for things that I thought were long dead and buried for me.”
“I still don’t get why that is intimidating?” I ask, not exactly getting how it all connects.
“Because,” he says softly, then he leans in to kiss me. His lips touch my mouth softly, sliding back and forth with a hint of whispered breath, then he pulls back. “Because…I had a shitty start too, and I think it destroyed the best parts of me. I let it destroy the best parts of me, and honestly…it sometimes makes me angry that you were able to get past it and I can’t. It sometimes makes me angry at you.”
I blink a few times, unsure of what I just heard. He’s staring at me openly, and he has laid something on me with such brutal honesty, I don’t doubt a word of what he’s just said. But unfortunately, rather than express tender emotions I thought he might have for me, he’s just admitted that there’s a part of me that he apparently doesn’t like.
Because it makes him feel bad about himself.
Gah, that is some f**ked-up thinking.I’m affronted, and I can’t help it. I pull back and he releases the grip on my chin. I stare at him a moment, and he returns my stare, eyes unblinking. I push away and roll out of bed, turning to look at him again now that there is some distance between us.
“You’re mad at me because I’ve made something of my life? Because I’ve moved past the trauma of my past?” I know my voice sounds shrill but I can’t help it.
Alex moves from the bed quickly and then I’m in his arms. “I’m only being honest, but you didn’t let me finish. While I find myself angry and envious and probably a whole slew of other negative emotions, that only makes up a very small part of what I feel when I’m with you. It pales in comparison to the respect I have for you, for the desire I feel. It gets paler every day I spend with you.”
I feel the tension leave my body, unaware of how stiff I had been until I heard those words. Pulling my face back, which he had tucked under his chin, I look at him. “Alex…you don’t have to be trapped by your past. You’ve already busted through so many barricades you had in place.”
“I know,” he says while bringing a hand up to stroke my hair. “I’m trying. I don’t want the bitterness I hold toward my past. I want to let it go.”
My heart aches for the longing in his voice. I plaster myself back against his body, wrapping my arms around his waist tightly. I feel the thump of his heartbeat reverberating against me, and I squeeze even tighter.
I will do whatever it takes to move Alex completely away from that darkness.
Chapter 23
Alex
I pick up my wallet and room key, shoving both in my back pocket. Bending down in the early morning gloom, I kiss Sutton on the forehead and she stirs.
Opening up her eyes slowly, she stretches her arms above her head and gives me a sleepy smile. She then reaches out and takes one of my hands. “Hey, you. Why are you up so early?”
Standing back up straight, I keep a grip on her hand and squeeze it. “I have a breakfast meeting. I’ll be back in a few hours and we can go out for a while and walk around the city. Sound good?”
She nods with a goofy grin on her face and yawns. “Okay.”
Bringing her hand to my mouth, I place a kiss on the inside of her wrist and release it. “Go back to sleep.”
She rolls over at my command, curling her hand up under her chin, then she’s out like a light. I stare at her a moment more, my heart giving that sweetly painful squeeze that comes more often than not when I’m looking at Sutton. She’s precariously close to becoming my everything, a thought that scares the daylights out of me. I’m not sure I’m ready for that responsibility, particularly not when I have so many ghosts that continue to torture me.