‘Thanks.’ I pulled back, surreptitiously looking around. The house was quiet.
‘C’mon.’ Ethan took my hand. ‘I’ve got chips and pizza and instant streaming. I meant it when I said you’re going to relax.’
I followed him to the den. He had the table laid out with food and soda, everything we needed for a quiet evening in. He began scrolling through the movie options on the TV and I took a bite, forcing myself to go another ten seconds before asking. ‘So where’s Oliver?’
‘He went out.’ Ethan didn’t look up.
My heart fell. ‘Oh?’
‘Yeah, he met some friends to go drinking. Said we could have the place to ourselves.’
Disappointment was a bitter itch in my veins. I’d been looking forward to seeing him all day and now I felt like a foolish kid, getting my hopes up for nothing. ‘I didn’t know he had any friends in town,’ I said lightly, concentrating on the cheese strings twisting from my slice.
‘You know Olly.’ Ethan gave me a look. ‘He can make friends with anyone. Mr Popularity.’
‘Right.’
‘I’m glad you guys are getting on better,’ he added. ‘It means a lot to me that you’re trying.’
The pizza turned to cardboard in my mouth.
‘Oh. It’s fine.’ I choked the mouthful down.
‘No, I know you didn’t get off on the best foot,’ Ethan argued, ‘but the hunting trip helped, right? He said you guys had fun.’
Fun wasn’t the word. Not for something so bright and reckless, but Ethan couldn’t understand that if he tried. ‘Sure,’ I agreed quietly. ‘Oliver’s not so bad, I just needed to get to know him, that’s all.’
‘Well, he’ll be out of our hair soon.’ Ethan stretched, reaching for another slice of pizza.
‘What do you mean?’ I felt a tremble of panic. ‘Is he going back to college?’
Ethan shook his head. ‘Some buddy of his says he can fix him with a job out in New York. Some start-up, technology or something. He’s the geek, and he needs someone to schmooze investors and be the face of it. Right up Oliver’s alley, don’t you think?’
I nodded, but my heart was pounding with dread.
He was leaving. Oliver, just like the rest of them. All of this with me was just a momentary distraction for him, a way to kill time amusing himself before he left.
The realization of what I’d been about to do crashed through me. I would have ended things with Ethan for him; torn apart the one good thing in my life for nothing.
I would have been all alone.
Relief came, sharp and swift. I would have destroyed everything, but Ethan didn’t know. He didn’t know anything.
I leaned across and kissed him, taking him by surprise. ‘Thank you,’ I whispered, my heart still pounding in my ears. ‘For doing this tonight, for everything. You’re the best.’
Ethan flushed, smiling. ‘What did I do to deserve you?’
It was the kind of thing he said all the time, but now it made me cringe, knowing how close I’d come to ruining everything. ‘Don’t.’ I shook my head.
‘I know you don’t like all that sappy stuff,’ he insisted, ‘but you have to know, you’re everything to me.’
I stopped.
‘I mean it,’ Ethan said, still serious. ‘I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. Olly probably told you, I never really dated much.’ He looked bashful. ‘But that’s because I was waiting for someone like you. I don’t know what I’d do without you, Chloe, I can’t even imagine it.’
‘Ethan . . . ’ I struggled to find the words, guilt and relief twisting in my stomach. I wanted to stop him, but part of me held back. What was I supposed to say, with him looking at me so adoringly, like he’d do anything for me?
‘I love you.’
My mouth dropped open.
Ethan grinned. ‘You don’t have to say anything, I know you have enough to be dealing with. I just, wanted you to know. You should know you’re loved.’
He pulled something from his pocket, a small box, and for a moment, panic sliced through me.
‘I wanted to give you this.’ He passed it, awkward. ‘It’s a promise ring. To show you how much you mean to me.’
I exhaled in a shaky breath, slowly opening the box. The slim silver ring had a heart etched on the inside of the band. It was sweet, the kind of thing you found in a mall store, with a stuffed teddy-bear and a display of red roses.
Pedestrian. Cliché.
I blocked out Oliver’s whisper in the back of my mind and forced a bright smile. ‘I love it,’ I said loudly, sliding it on to the middle finger of my right hand. ‘Thank you.’
Ethan moved closer to wrap his arms around me. I tucked against his body, fitting just right. He held me there and something welled up inside, an ache of longing. I’d felt so alone, not just since Dad had left, but for years now; it felt like loneliness was my default setting. I’d never fitted in quite right with the girls at school, not even Alisha. Despite the time we spent together, ours was an alliance of convenience. No matter how many afternoon study sessions or lunches we shared, there was a part of me I knew she would never understand. I’d always felt drifting, untethered on the edges of the crowd. They didn’t know me, I wondered sometimes if I would always be alone.
I’d never belonged to anyone, had something all my own.
‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered, hugging him tight, as if I could erase the last few weeks of madness, all the shame of my betrayal.
‘What for?’ Ethan stroked my hair.
‘Just, I don’t deserve you.’
‘Bullshit,’ he said tenderly. ‘You’re the sweetest girl in the world.’
I wasn’t. I was all wrong inside, but for a moment, I just wanted to be that girl he saw, the good one, the best.
The one who was happy here, with her boyfriend, and nothing more.
‘Can we just sit here for a while?’ I asked quietly. ‘No movie or anything.’
‘Whatever you want,’ Ethan murmured. I shifted, so I was sitting with my back against him, in the V space between his legs. I let my head fall back against his chest and watched the fire dance in the grate. We stayed like that for hours, quiet and holding, as if nothing was wrong.
I told myself I was done with Oliver now. I had to be.
For all my promises to myself, I didn’t sleep. Ethan lay, unconscious beside me, his arm flung heavy across my stomach. I’d given up on moving him, he always wound up splayed back across the middle of the bed, reaching for me in his sleep, as if I was his comforter, to tuck against his side.