“If you did stay and he stayed with you,” Jacob went on, not answering my question, and looking very uncomfortable now, “because he’s a prosecutor, he might notice things. Things that could help us. Nobody would really suspect him being in your building, since the two of you are dating. “
“Okay, so that might an advantage for you …”
“And if he were willing to help, unofficially of course, it could ultimately be an advantage to him, although there would be no direct advantage for you.”
“So, if I go into protection I can write full time for a while, but I can’t even talk to the person who I’m romantically involved with or any of my friends for an indefinite amount of time. If I stay and Adam comes and shacks up with me, it could benefit his career, but in the meanwhile, I may not have time to write very much, because of my new career as a prosecutor.”
“Uh yeah, pretty much,” Jacob agreed. “And we would prefer you be assigned with him in court, so you would be spending all of your time together.”
He looked directly at Adam as he said that last part and it occurred to me that I might not even have a choice in the matter. Adam might not be interested in this little plan, potential career advantage or not. He had said he would be willing to stay with me temporarily, but live and work with me indefinitely? I looked at Adam too, desperately wanting him to give me some sign of what he was thinking but he wouldn’t even look at me.
“Can I talk to Adam alone please?”
“Of course,” Jacob answered, getting up. He paused when he got to the door and turned to look at me. I thought he was going to say something else, but he seemed to change his mind and he left, closing the door behind him. I looked at Adam as soon as Jacob was gone, but he still seemed removed and withdrawn.
“Look, Lily, it’s not forever. You’ll be back. We can pick up where we left off,” he said, sounding tense, and staring off into space.
Suddenly, I felt sick. I had been hoping that he would ask me to stay, but he obviously didn’t want to have to work and live with me. I guess I couldn’t blame him, but my stomach still roiled, as a lump formed in my throat, and my eyes started to sting with unshed tears.
“So, you want me to go,” I said miserably, willing myself not to cry.
“What?” he asked, finally looking at me. “I don’t want you to go. I figured you would want to go.” He looked genuinely shocked and upset.
“Well, I don’t want to go, you ass**le,” I said, my voice cracking with emotion.
“Well why not, you nutty broad?”
“Because first of all, I don’t want to let some dickhead bully run me out of town. I have always stood up for myself in the past, and I’m not going to just run away, or be run out of my home either for that matter. But secondly, Adam, I wouldn’t be able to even talk to you, for God knows how long.” To my horror, I felt a single hot tear slowly run down my cheek.
“But you told me your writing was everything.” The way he spit the words out made them sound like an accusation.
“I said that my writing was one of the most important things to me. If you don’t want to spend all your time with me, though, just tell me and I’ll go.”
“No! That’s not what I mean! What I’m asking you is, are you saying that I’m as important to you as your writing?” It looked like he was still trying to process that information.
“Why is that so hard for an egomaniac like you to believe?” My voice was rising in pitch so much I was starting to sound like a little girl.
“Oh I don’t know. Maybe because you’ve never given me any indication that you’ve had anything but contempt for me?” He sounded angry and confused but also stunned.
“Contempt?! Adam, I went on a date with you. I kissed you. I let you f**k me! Many times! What did you think that was?”
“Okay, you’re attracted to me, but you love writing!” Now, it sounded almost like he was issuing a challenge, his voice so strained with tension and emotion that he sounded hoarse.
“Yes, I love writing!” I myself was starting to sound hysterical, my vision was now getting blurry with tears.
“If you went you could write full time, and you love writing,” he repeated, emphasizing that word again. “So if you care about me as much …” Oh God. He wasn’t going to make me admit…
“Yes, Adam I love writing,” I broke in. “And I want to stay anyway. With you,” I said, praying that the very deep intense look that I was giving him would be enough. I was so freaking overwhelmed. It was something I had never even admitted to myself, let alone to anyone else, let alone to him, but I knew that it was true. I was in love with Adam. I was totally f**ked.
“Good! Because I want you to stay, even though I know it’s not going to be easy spending all our time together. I’ve always loved my freedom, Lily, really loved it, but I want you to stay anyway, because I care about you as much. Do you understand?” He looked back at me just as intently. It was like we were willing each other to hear what we couldn’t say.
Before I could even respond, he came around the table, yanked me into his arms and kissed me hard. I slid my arms around his neck and kissed him back for all I was worth. The tears flowed down my cheeks, getting both of us wet as we desperately tried to express with our frantic kisses what we couldn’t yet with our words. After a couple of minutes of ardent tongue tangling, I pulled back breathlessly.
“But you could be in danger. What if something happens to you?”
“Nothing is going to happen. I’ll be careful. I promise.”
“How long do you think we’ve …?”
“Since I licked your Fruit Roll-Up.”
“I hate Shari Edelstein,” I said emotionally, and slowly, the two of us started laughing. “And I think I just cast my lot with a guy who once put a fungus from the bio lab in my lunch bag,” I gasped and we laughed even harder.
Chapter Nineteen
Because of my sorry state of dress, Adam took me to Gabrielle and Braden’s apartment, which was less than five minutes away. Gab crushed me into a rib-bruising hug until I almost couldn’t breathe, while her Chihuahua, Bruno, sniffed me suspiciously. I didn’t blame him. I would be suspicious too.
After making me promise her that I was okay, she finally let go and I saw her look over at her husband. Braden and Adam seemed to be sharing some unspoken communication. Braden patted Adam on the back and, as if by signal, Gab immediately rushed me into her bathroom. She left and came back a minute later, bringing me clothes to change into. Luckily, she and I were about the same size.