This meant he’d only fucked one man before he met Trevor. Also, it didn’t escape Trevor’s attention that a relationship just happened with Heather when he didn’t come close to it with any man. He felt his body go tight. He didn’t have an excuse for it. Trevor knew that but it didn’t change how he felt. “So the men were a way to get off until your princess arrived?”
He went to get out of bed but Simon grabbed his wrist. “Hey. Don’t do that. That’s not fair. I’m being honest with you here. Hell, I’m talking to you in a way I don’t with anyone else. Who knows the why of it, Trev? Was it just that I was meant to fall in love with Heather? Maybe it could have been a man had I found the right one, but no, I wasn’t getting off with a man while waiting on a woman. I was attracted to those men the same way I am to you. I knew who I was with when I had them, just as I know who I’m with now. If you’re looking for me to have all the answers, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. It’s you who I want here with me. That’s the only answer I have.”
Fear pumped through him, mixing with his blood, filling his veins. Jesus, Simon meant something to him. Yeah, he’d know that before, but he realized then that Simon meant more to him than he’d let himself believe because he needed to hear that Simon wanted him here, when he’d never needed to hear that from any other lover he’d had.
“Shit.” Trevor ran a hand through his hair before lying back down. “I didn’t have a right to freak out like that.” But he was. Inside he still was because he thought he might want more with Simon than just this. The timing sucked but it didn’t change how Trevor felt.
***
There was a part of Simon that wanted to get out of the bed and walk away before he got himself into trouble. He didn’t know if Trevor wanted answers. Simon only knew he didn’t have them.
“I can’t make you any promises.” It wasn’t because Trevor was a man...he didn’t think. It was because he’d already fucked up spectacularly when it came to being in love, to having a relationship with someone, and that was before his hand got screwed up and he did nothing except feel sorry for himself. If he couldn’t completely give himself to someone then, how could he now?
“I’m not asking for them. I’m not really in a place to give any, either. Hell, I’m still trying to keep myself sober everyday.” Trevor smiled. It was that cocky, know-it-all smile he gave to the world. The one he used to hide the truth. He didn’t want to add to that uncertainty, but he wasn’t sure what else to do, either.
“I can tell you I don’t regret this. I won’t regret it if we do it again, and I can pretty much guarantee I want to. There was never a second that it bothered me you’re a man. There was never a second I wished you weren’t.” That would have to be enough. It was all Simon had to give right now.
“It’s because I’m so sexy. It’s hard for most men to resist me.”
Simon liked that, he realized. How Trevor lightened the mood when it got heavy, or how he made Simon smile. He’d never been the easiest person to make smile. People told him that too many times to count, yet Trevor was good at it.
Trevor lay on his back, Simon still leaning on his hand, his elbow on the bed, when he leaned forward and kissed Trevor’s plump lips. His facial hair was rough against Simon’s. His mouth and tongue demanding as it moved with Simon’s. No, he definitely knew who he was with, and he liked it.
“Since you’re so virginal, I can share something with you, too,” Trevor said when they parted. “This, with you tonight, and the other night on the couch...I can tell you that they were the only sexual encounters I’ve ever had where I hadn’t at least had a few drinks. You used sex as a break for studying while I used it to have fun and party.”
Simon could hear it in Trevor’s voice, the regret and pain. He spoke with it any time he mentioned his past. “You should be proud of yourself.” Simon wondered if anyone had told him that. He wanted to make sure Trevor understood that he should be proud, and that Simon saw it. “It’s not easy, what you’re doing. Be proud. I respect the hell out of you.”
“I’m trying.”
When it came to being a doctor, Simon had a good bedside manner. He knew how to talk to people and what to say. He struggled with it more in his personal life, which was why, despite not knowing if this was something he should ask, he did anyway. “What happened to make you get clean?”
Trevor let out a deep breath, and then sat up. He leaned against the headboard. Simon didn’t move, just lay there watching him.