The truth was, he was scared to death. Not because of who Trevor was or their differences. Those were just easy excuses to use. “I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about him.” There was a brief flash of pain in her eyes, and he realized maybe that wasn’t the best thing to say to his ex-wife. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. Go on.”
“He’s...Christ, he’s strong. He’s been through more than you realize, and he doesn’t give up. He’s suffered through more than I have, and we both know I easily gave up. I care about him deeply, and now being here... I just keep thinking, what if this works? What if this is my miracle and I can operate again? If that’s the case, I belong here, and then what happens with Trevor?” Simon hadn’t realized he had all of those fears until he voiced them.
“Then you’ll figure it out.” Heather placed a hand on his arm. “That’s what you do when you love someone—you figure it out. You don’t give up. You make sacrifices for each other.” None of which Simon was very good at. None of which he’d done for her. “Just don’t block him out, Simon. You’re good at leaving the other person alone to try and figure out what’s going on by themself. Tell him how you feel, or he’s going to think he’s doing something wrong. I speak from experience when I say that’s not a fun place to be.”
No, he couldn’t imagine it would be. He hated that he’d put Heather there. He never wanted to do that with Trevor.
Simon grabbed Heather’s hand, kissed it, and then gave it a squeeze. “I’m so sorry for everything. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
She gave him a sad smile. “I guess we’re much better at being friends than anything else.”
He nodded and gave her another squeeze. “Yeah...yeah, I guess so.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Trevor sat next to Simon at the table as they got ready to eat. Alan had gone back out to his car; Trevor wasn’t sure why until he came back in.
“I forgot the wine. I have both red and white. Which do you prefer?” Trevor’s insides froze. That quickly, just by it being offered, the desire hit. He deserved it, right? After the strangeness of the day. Just a glass of wine with dinner. Most people did that. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with that. He should be able to have a fucking glass of wine or a beer with dinner.
“No. We don’t want any. Thank you,” Simon answered for him, voice tight. “Actually, I’d prefer it if you didn’t drink at all.”
“It’s fine.” Trevor grit his teeth. He should be able to do this. He could do this. It wasn’t as though he’d never been out to a restaurant where people were drinking. Sitting at the table with them while they shared a glass of wine wasn’t a big deal.
Simon started, “I—” but then Trevor cut him off.
“It’s fine.” He really fucking needed this to be fine. He was already so different than Simon in too many ways. He didn’t want to be the guy who couldn’t go out to dinner with people who were close to Simon because they might have a drink. He didn’t want to be the man who held Simon back from that, either.
The room was thick with confusion. This whole trip was full of it, and they still had to get through Simon’s surgery.
He noticed that even though Alan and Heather poured themselves small glasses of wine, neither of them drank it. They realized what was going on. It had to be obvious. There was no reason for Simon to have acted the way he did when Alan brought out the wine. They knew he was in recovery. It wasn’t something he should feel ashamed about. Most days he was proud as hell about it, but today, he couldn’t find it in himself to feel good.
Dinner went well. Alan and Heather were both polite to Trevor. He liked them, felt more comfortable around them than he had anyone else they met today. He could tell they both cared about Simon, which made them care about Trevor. That was an important quality to have.
Still, after dinner, Trevor knew that if he didn’t get out of the house for a few minutes he was going to go bat-shit crazy.
He wanted the wine. Wanted something to help take the edge off of their day. He needed something, anything, to help calm him down.
“I’ll go with you.” Simon started to stand when Trevor said he was going out for some fresh air, but sat again when Trevor shook his head.
“Nah, I’m good. Spend time with your friends. I’ll be right back.” He squeezed Simon’s shoulder, trying to play it off that he felt calmer than he really did.