If I was free from vices such as these, however, I had vices of my
own, which were only less odious as they were less obvious. That
vexing, self-tormenting spirit of which I have spoken as the evil
genius that dogged my footsteps--that moral perverseness which
I have described as the "blind heart"--still afflicted me, though
in a far less degree now than when I was the inmate of my uncle's
dwelling, and exposed to all the caprices of himself, his wife
and servants. I kept on good terms with my employers, for the very
natural reason that they saw me attend to my business and theirs,
with a hearty cheerfulness that went to work promptly in whatever
was to be done, and executed its tasks with steady fortitude,
neatness, and rapidity. But, even with them, I had my sulks--my
humors--my stubborn fits of sullenness, that seemed anxious to provoke
opposition, and awaken wrath. These, however, they considerately
forgave in consideration of my real usefulness: and as they perceived
that whatever might have been the unpleasantness occasioned by
these specimens of spleen, they were never suffered to interfere
with or retard the operations of business. "It's an ugly way he's
got," was, probably, the utmost extent of what either of the partners
said, and of what is commonly said on such occasions by most persons,
who do not care to trouble themselves with a too close inquiry.
Well, at twenty-one, William Edgerton and myself were admitted
to the practice of the law, and that too with considerable credit
to ourselves. I had long since been carried by my friend into his
family circle; and Mr. Edgerton, his father, had been pleased to
distinguish me with sundry attentions, which were only grateful to
me in consequence of the unusual deference with which his manner
evinced his regard. His gentle inquiries and persuasive suggestions
beguiled me into more freedom of speech than I had ever before been
accustomed to; and his judicious management of my troubled spirit,
for a time, stifled its contradictions, and suppressed its habitual
tendencies. But it was with some jealousy, and an erectness of manner
which was surely ungracious, though, perhaps, not offensive, that
I endured and replied to his inquiries into my personal condition,
my resources, and the nature of that dependence which I bore to the
family of my uncle. When he learned--which he did not from me--in
what manner I had pursued my studies--after what toils of the day,
and at what late hours of the night--when he found from a close
private examination, which he had given me, before my admission,
that my knowledge of the law was quite as good as the greater
number of those who apply for admission--he was pleased to express
his astonishment at my perseverance, and delight at my success.
When, too, in addition to this, he discovered, upon a minute inquiry
from my employers and others, that I was abstemious, and indulged
in no excesses of any kind, his interest in me increased, as
I thought, who had been accustomed to nothing of the sort, beyond
all reasonable measure-and I soon had occasion to perceive that it
was no idle curiosity that prompted his consideration and inquiry.