Vanity Fair - Page 278/573

"I will certainly call," said Lady Southdown then, in reply to the

exhortation of her daughter's pretendu, Mr. Pitt Crawley--"Who is Miss

Crawley's medical man?"

Mr. Crawley mentioned the name of Mr. Creamer.

"A most dangerous and ignorant practitioner, my dear Pitt. I have

providentially been the means of removing him from several houses:

though in one or two instances I did not arrive in time. I could not

save poor dear General Glanders, who was dying under the hands of that

ignorant man--dying. He rallied a little under the Podgers' pills

which I administered to him; but alas! it was too late. His death was

delightful, however; and his change was only for the better; Creamer,

my dear Pitt, must leave your aunt."

Pitt expressed his perfect acquiescence. He, too, had been carried

along by the energy of his noble kinswoman, and future mother-in-law.

He had been made to accept Saunders McNitre, Luke Waters, Giles Jowls,

Podgers' Pills, Rodgers' Pills, Pokey's Elixir, every one of her

Ladyship's remedies spiritual or temporal. He never left her house

without carrying respectfully away with him piles of her quack theology

and medicine. O, my dear brethren and fellow-sojourners in Vanity

Fair, which among you does not know and suffer under such benevolent

despots? It is in vain you say to them, "Dear Madam, I took Podgers'

specific at your orders last year, and believe in it. Why, why am I to

recant and accept the Rodgers' articles now?" There is no help for it;

the faithful proselytizer, if she cannot convince by argument, bursts

into tears, and the refusant finds himself, at the end of the contest,

taking down the bolus, and saying, "Well, well, Rodgers' be it."

"And as for her spiritual state," continued the Lady, "that of course

must be looked to immediately: with Creamer about her, she may go off

any day: and in what a condition, my dear Pitt, in what a dreadful

condition! I will send the Reverend Mr. Irons to her instantly. Jane,

write a line to the Reverend Bartholomew Irons, in the third person,

and say that I desire the pleasure of his company this evening at tea

at half-past six. He is an awakening man; he ought to see Miss Crawley

before she rests this night. And Emily, my love, get ready a packet of

books for Miss Crawley. Put up 'A Voice from the Flames,' 'A

Trumpet-warning to Jericho,' and the 'Fleshpots Broken; or, the

Converted Cannibal.'"

"And the 'Washerwoman of Finchley Common,' Mamma," said Lady Emily. "It

is as well to begin soothingly at first."

"Stop, my dear ladies," said Pitt, the diplomatist. "With every

deference to the opinion of my beloved and respected Lady Southdown, I

think it would be quite unadvisable to commence so early upon serious

topics with Miss Crawley. Remember her delicate condition, and how

little, how very little accustomed she has hitherto been to

considerations connected with her immortal welfare."