Thank you, Mum. Again.
I knew complete and total relief, and knew I could stop struggling now…and just sleep a little more, with my girl right beside me.
LITTLE kicks and nudges rumbled against my hand. I loved it. Always made me smile. I knew exactly what I was feeling. Laurel-Thomas was talking to Daddy. You’ve gotten stronger, little one. I rubbed my hand over the baby, trying to imagine which body part was which. Was that a little bum or the crown of a head? More kicks pummeled my palm, and made me laugh. It was the best damn feeling in the whole f**king world. Like a blessing—a gift I didn’t expect—perfectly beautiful.
“Ethan laughed. Did you hear him, Ivan? He’s laughing at the baby kicking.” I knew that voice. That was my Brynne talking to Ivan.
I opened my eyes.
“It worked,” she said in a whisper. “You came back to me.”
Brynne’s face was a mess of tears and worry. She looked exhausted with dark circles under her eyes and her hair all mussed. Her eyes were glassy from crying. But the sight of her against me so close, was the most beautiful sight my pitiful eyes had ever beheld in the whole of my life.
“Brynne…baby—” I smiled, and stared at every inch of her face, soaking in the sight of her for a moment. “—I dreamed of you up on that mountain—to help me to get warm…and find a safe place to go. I just dreamed you, and knew things would be good, and I was happy, not afraid.”
“Oh, Ethan, Ethan, Ethan…” she sobbed, burrowing into my chest and rocking her forehead back and forth. I took stock of where we were and figured it was a hospital bed, and both of us were lying on our sides, facing each other. My girl had crawled up into my hospital bed with me, apparently, so I could smell her. She’d even gone a step further by putting my hand on her belly so I could feel Laurel-Thomas kicking madly away from the inside. Both of them had called me back.
I looked over at my cousin and caught the words, welcome back, mouthed at me.
Thanks, I mouthed in return, grateful to him for helping Brynne while I was out of it. Then he grinned at me, and slipped out the door, jogging his hand to his ear in the universal “ring me” gesture.
“I love you so much,” I whispered, trying to keep my own emotions in check. I brought my hand up to her chin and forced her face up to meet mine. I needed to look into her eyes first. Then, once I’d drowned myself in all their multicoloured glory, I would need to kiss her for a long, long time.
I think she was in a bit of shock because she just kept saying the same thing over and over again.
“You came back to me.”
“I did, my beauty, because you brought me back. You did it…and an angel helped me, too.”
15th January
ETHAN was so very quiet on the ride home from the hospital. We sat in the back seat together while Len drove. He held my hand tightly, gripping so hard it actually felt uncomfortable, but I wasn’t willing to pull away from him. Ethan needed to touch me, even if it was just by our hands.
His dad had called me and asked about having dinner to celebrate his homecoming, but I made an excuse to postpone for the following week. Ethan wasn’t up for socializing, and quite frankly, I wasn’t either. His accident had made me paranoid, and if I allowed myself to think about how close he’d come to dying, I was likely to have a panic attack. I knew that wouldn’t be good for the baby, so I refused the frightening thought’s entrance into my mind. For now, I just wanted him near me, where I could take care of him, and he could heal.
Ethan walked into the flat by himself using the crutches, but on his own power. I closed and locked the door behind him, and followed him into the main room.
He stopped in the middle and just stood there, his eyes on me, a brutal rawness in his expression now that we were alone together.
“Come here,” he said in harsh whisper.
I went to my Ethan.
I was swept into his arms immediately, seized so tightly against his body, I gasped in surprise. His crutches crashed to the floor with a bang when he let go of them to hold onto me. Ethan’s desperation to bring me close, ruled the moment, and I understood why. My man had been traumatized, yet again, by the imminent threat of death. He’d been certain he would die up on the mountain, without ever getting a chance to see me again, or to meet our baby, or tell us he loved us, or say goodbye properly. Memories of me had been his comfort to help him through the experience, and then when he didn’t die, he was thrust back into reality and forced to process that he’d survived. A total and complete mindfuck for him.
“Ethan. I’m here, baby. Let me help you.”
“I need—I need to be with you,” he rasped into my neck, his beard prickling my skin as he pressed in deep.
I pulled back, forcing him to look at me, and focus on my words. “Let’s go to our bed, and forget about everything else for the moment. Just you and me together.” A look of pain spread across his face. “And then, later, we can talk about the things that we needed to say to each other before you left for Switzerland. But right now, the two of us need to be close, and feel that for a while.”
He closed his eyes for a second and then opened them again, a look of total relief in his eyes. “Yes…please.” He looked down at the floor where his crutches lay sprawled. I bent to retrieve them, and handed them to him one at a time. His hardened, wounded expression softened as he took the crutches. “I wish I could tell you how much I love you…but there aren’t enough words to f**king express it.”
“I know.”
He followed me into our bedroom and sat down on the side of the bed. This time, arranging his crutches where he’d be able to reach them when he wanted to get up again. I came to stand between his legs and felt his hands come up immediately to draw me closer. His face buried just below my br**sts, his hands cupped my backside, and his nose inhaled my natural scent.
Ethan was desperately trying to crawl back into me.
I knew what he really needed was a hard and wild f**k from me, but I also knew, just as he did, that I couldn’t give it to him any more than he was capable of giving it to me. We would have to figure out another way.
I stepped back until I was just out of reach, but still close.
I kicked off my flats and kept my eyes on him.
“I want you to remember the first time I was here in this bed with you—the first time we were together.”