She begins laughing again, this time without her usual reserve. I watch, enjoying the way her face glows. I'm glimpsing another side of her, the carefree spirit whose wit and barbs come out occasionally, much to her chagrin. The impulse to know what happened, why she hides herself and tries to hide Todd from the world, is growing stronger. There's a sweet, saucy woman beneath her hardened exterior.
"You're beautiful when you let yourself laugh," I say without thinking, unable to stop the words that come so naturally.
Almost immediately, she stops and stares at me, startled into silence.
"Sorry," I murmur without really knowing why. I've been a bit more direct with her than I intended, and it's unsettling after the discussion with Brianna. I don't want to scare Claudia away. I'd rather be a big brother to Todd than risk her rejection by asking her out. "I'm going to check in with the overly stressed woman coordinating everything. Grab some food and settle in. There's plenty to do."
When I walk away, I'm unhappier than I had been talking to Brianna. I want to stay longer with Claudia, to see if I can make her smile or laugh again. The fact I never feared any mission I went on, but I'm scared to pursue anything besides our tap dancing relationship, doesn't sit well.
Katya is always telling me I deserve to be happy. Maybe I don't think so, and that's another thing stopping me. I can't figure out why I draw back whenever I want to push forward, expect that it's complicated and insanely frustrating. Because I can see something really good with Claudia, if I take the chance. I'm just not sure I can right now.