I’d done this. And I knew if I just let Reed in earlier, I could have avoided it all. But I’d made a mountain out of my problems and guilt, and rather than deal with it all, I got carried away in stupid fantasies. I liked Gavin, sure. He was smart and handsome, and had that musician thing that made girls get stupid. But he didn’t have my heart.
I dialed Reed’s number on an impulse last night, spilling my guts to him. I was thankful, at first, when I got his voicemail. Voicemail wasn’t intimidating, at least not when you were throwing caution to the wind. I told him everything. I told him how sorry I was that I’d been so cold toward him, how freaked out I was because I was pregnant, but how guilty I felt now because I’d lost the baby. I started crying harder when I admitted that aloud, just saying the words cut through me like a knife and forced me to pause on the phone for a few seconds—choking on words and heartbreak. I told him about what really happened the day I fell from the treadmill, about the heartless doctor who gave me a stack of brochures and a condom, along with my miscarriage diagnosis—and about how my f**ked up head and drinking turned into the worst decision of my life when I kissed Gavin that night. I downright begged for him to forgive me. I laid it all out on the field, nothing left.
And then I waited.
As each hour passed, the fact that Reed wasn’t calling was hitting me harder and harder. I figured he was probably ignoring my call and message at first. I thought about texting him, trying to force him to see my name and face. But each time I grabbed my phone, I chickened out, thought it was better to let him work through what he had heard and seen.
I knew I wouldn’t be able to avoid Sarah and Sienna forever, so I texted them and told them to meet me at the Starbucks for coffee. Sienna, always perceptive, knew something was up almost immediately, texting me back:
You okay?
I was done lying.
No. Not at all.
I managed to take a shower and pull on some sweats and my warm Uggs. It was starting to get chilly at night, and I wasn’t up for driving, so I planned on walking. I was stuffing my keys and some cash in my pocket when my phone buzzed. I was anxious and excited at first, but then I saw it was Becky. Knowing I couldn’t put this off forever either, I answered while I locked up.
“Hey Becks,” I said, knowing what was coming.
“Hey…are you…okay?” She knew. That must mean Sean knew, which meant at least Reed was talking to someone—that made me feel hopeful.
“No, not really,” I sighed. “Becky, I don’t know how it got to this.” Becky didn’t know the full story, and I didn’t think I’d be able to fill her in on everything, including the pregnancy, in the short walk to the coffee shop. I was pretty sure Sean would know about it soon anyhow, though, and by extension, Becky.
“Reed called Sean. I’m sure you know,” she sighed. “Has he called you yet?”
“No…” I lingered. “I keep waiting. Actually, I got a little hopeful when you called.”
“Oh…I’m sorry. I’m sure he’ll call, Noles. Sean said he was pretty tore up, but he got through to him.”
The tears were starting to come again, so I wiped my eyes with the corners of my sleeves. I was passing people on the sidewalk now, so I tried not to give too much away, but I wanted to know everything Becky knew…she was my only connection to Reed.
“What happened, Nolan? Was this guy, like, just hitting on you all the time or something? I mean, do you like him? Do you know him really well?” she was trying to give me the benefit of the doubt.
I just let out a big breath and shrugged, even though she couldn’t see it. “I don’t know. I mean, yes, he’s really good looking…and he’s smart. His name’s Gavin, he’s in a lot of my classes with me. We’ve worked on a lot of projects together, and he’s always been flirty, but that’s it.”
“Did he just blindside you? I mean, how did the kiss happen?” she was trying to understand.
“Becks, I was pretty drunk. I remember it, but sort of like it was a dream. Or more like a nightmare. We were out celebrating, a bunch of us were. And you know me, I never go out…but it just sounded like so much fun. And I was so stressed…you know, from school,” I was vague with that last part. “We were playing pool, and everything was fine. And then there was a band, and we were dancing and then Gavin got close and we were dancing really closely, and he touched me a little, not like that, but still…it was pretty clear what he was suggesting. And then I bolted.”