“Well, that doesn’t sound so bad. Did he kiss you while you were dancing? I’m sure if you explained this to Reed he’d see…” Becky started to suggest, but I cut her off.
“No, no. It wasn’t while we were dancing,” I said, the tears threatening again. I hung my head in shame and bit my lip a little. “He followed me outside, and after a really intense stare-off, we kissed each other. Becks, I didn’t stop him. Not for a looooong time, at least.”
Starbucks was only another block away. We both hung on the phone in silence for a few seconds, and I was starting to worry that I’d lost Becky, too. Then she finally spoke.
“Nolan, it’s not as bad as it sounds. I think maybe Reed’s mind is making it worse than it is. You just need to explain it to him. It was a kiss. You didn’t sleep with him, and I’m guessing you never plan on kissing him again,” she joked a little.
I just laughed in return. “No, I really don’t. I don’t even like him that way, Becks. I just want to rewind the whole damn thing,” I said, starting to feel a little optimistic.
I hung up with Becky as I walked into Starbucks, where Sarah and Sienna were waiting for me. I went through the entire story again with them, and, after taking my lecture from Sarah, left feeling even more encouraged. They were both proud of me for finally coming clean with everything to Reed, even if it was on his voicemail.
I checked my phone every 15 seconds it seemed during my walk home, feeling phantom vibrations and believing each one was a call or text from Reed. It wasn’t, but I knew he had only gotten off from practice an hour or so ago. I was actually in a place where I was looking forward to my night of laundry and some much overdue lit reading—thinking my mind would actually let me focus for the next hour or two—when I saw Gavin leaning against my door, looking down at his phone while I approached. Seeing him just zapped me of all energy.
“Gavin, what are you doing here,” I said, probably a little harsher than I needed to, but I didn’t want to send any mixed signals.
He looked up and moved over while I pulled out my keys. He shoved his phone back in his pocket, shrugging a little, “I’m not stalking you…I promise,” he said wryly, smirking at me a little.
“I know, I’m sorry. It’s just…I think we, you and I, probably need a little space. I’m trying to work through some things…” I wasn’t making much sense, and his presence just had me flustered.
“I get it,” he said, not making me go on any more than I had to. “I just wanted to make sure we were okay…apologize. Do you have a few minutes? Just to talk,” he raised his shoulders a bit when he spoke, trying to prove his innocent intentions.
I just laid my forehead on my door as I pushed my key in the lock and turned it. Letting out a deep sigh, I twisted my face to look at him, his puppy dog eyes begging me. “Sure, but only for a few minutes. I have a lot to do, and I haven’t really been able to focus lately,” I admitted.
Gavin followed me into my room and pushed the door closed behind him, but not completely, I think not wanting me to feel threatened. I appreciated that. He was twisting his hands together in front of him, a little uncomfortably while he paced around, deciding where he should sit. He finally sat at my desk chair, leaning forward and putting his elbows on his knees. I pulled my things from my pocket and went to work grabbing my laundry and cleaning supplies.
“Look, Nolan. I’m not going to lie. I like you. I like you more than I should. And I know it’s a problem, it creates problems…but I think there’s a part of you that likes me, too. Maybe…just a little,” he was making things worse, mostly because I did like him…but not like he liked me. And I didn’t want to lose that thing we had, whatever it was, before I went and kissed him and made it all complicated. But I also knew I didn’t want to lose Reed. And that was more important than anything.
I stopped stuffing towels and T-shirts in my laundry bin and sat on my bed, across from him. I blew the hairs out of my face, and then rubbed it with my hands, thinking, searching for the right words to say. There weren’t any, so I just started talking.
“I do like you, Gavin…but…” I held up my hand to stop his smile from growing. “I’m in love with Reed. What I feel for you is a close friendship, and I know it’s not what you want to hear, but it’s all I have to give to you. I never should have let it get as far as it did that night. And I’m so sorry that it gave you the wrong idea. But I can’t be with you. I can’t give up what I have, because it means the world to me—and it’s killing me right now, knowing how badly I hurt Reed.”