Izzy had barked out a laugh and pulled me into a tight hug.
“That’s just their way, honey. His father was the same way with Dee. Axel the same with me. Greg and Melissa. Maddox and Emmy. Asher and Chelcie. My sweet Dani with Cohen. Heck, even Davey had his moment with Sway. These men, it’s just how they are. When they set their minds to something there is nothing and no one that will hold them back. And sweetheart, before you even let this thought take root in your mind, when they know, they know and they know in a way that sticks forever.”
Of course that did nothing but make me freak out even further, causing Izzy to laugh harder, and Molly to join in while dancing in circles around us. I came down from my freak out . . . until I got my little bird home and while I watched her pick and peck at her snack, my nerves climbed once again.
I should have known better. With Molly, there needed to be no doubt.
Leaning my head back, I settle in for our wait and playback my conversation with Molly.
“Mommy, what did Mrs. Izzy mean? About being sticky forever?”
I turn my head from the counter I had been wiping—the same spot for the last five minutes—while staring off into space. Her brown eyes full of curiosity smile up at me from the table.
“Not sticky forever, little bird. She was talking about a feeling, kind of. She meant it like how I love you will be a feeling that sticks to me like yummy, chewed up bubble gum.”
Her nose crinkles and her lips twist in a way that I know she’s holding in a giggle. “That’s gross, Mommy!” she tells me seconds before peals of laughter come bubbling out of her mouth. “I don’t want to stick to you with chewy bubblegum!”
Smiling, I move from the counter and over to sit next to my sweet, full-of-love, daughter.
“It’s a little different than that, sweets, that’s just the best way to explain it.”
She stops laughing out loud, but those eyes of hers are still burning with amusement. I watch her expressive face as she thinks about what Izzy told me and what I just told her. And then I watch as all of it plugs into the right plugs and the connection is made.
“Who do you want to stick to with chewy bubblegum, Mommy?”
Ah, my smart little bird. She’s always been so wise beyond her five small years.
“I don’t want to stick to anyone with yucky, chewy bubblegum,” I laugh.
Her small hand comes out and falls on top of where I have mine placed on the table. Small thumb rubbing and little pink tipped nails going up and down in a thoughtful wave as she looks at me.
“Yes you do.”
“No, baby. Just you.”
“You’re silly, mommy bird!”
“And you’re sillier, little bird.”
Her fingers continue their light thumping against my skin and I watch her eyes get soft and full of love, all for me.
“You told Mrs. Izzy that Leelee is your boyfriend. Is he the one you want to stick to with chewy bubblegum?”
Ah.
There it is.
My opening to tell her.
And my opening for a spiked up, nerve filled, freak out.
I went over this a million times since Lee left and I picked up Molly. How much to tell her. How to tell her. Is it too soon? How she would feel. Every possible thought of fear, followed by excitement, and then back to fear mixed with worry.
But my little bird is smart. Smart and knowing. And more importantly, I owe it to her to be honest about our future.
A future that I hope to God will be filled with Lee.
“I wouldn’t want to be stuck to him with chewy bubblegum, but yes, sweets, I would very much love to be stuck with him.”
“Like that time my arms got stuck in my swim wings? When you couldn’t get them off?”
My smile grew as some of those nerves let go of their strong hold. “Something like that, little bird.”
“Will Leelee come over for tea parties now?”
“Yeah, baby, I think so.”
“Will Leelee make you smile all the time?”
Oh. My. God.
“You make me smile all the time.”
Her head tilts and she smiles a smile that is so small you almost can’t tell it’s there. It’s a sad smile. One that I know—and hate—that I’ve put on her face.
“Not all the time. You don’t smile all the time.”
“Oh, baby. Come here.”
She makes quick work of pulling out from the table and into my lap. I wrap my arms around her and hold her as tight as she’s holding me.
“Mommy was sad for a long time, little bird. I’m so sorry for that. For not smiling all the time. I missed your daddy a lot and for a long time my missing him was too hard to smile.”